Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Daily Thanks - Day 32 - Dancing

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dancing.

I don't know about most of you, but when I was in high school, if I hadn't been such a mind-blowingly gifted athlete awaiting football and basketball scholarships from Stanford as well as a plethora of ivy league schools, I probably would have pursued dancing.

I don't care if I'm dancing with myself, dancing in the dark, dancing this mess around, dirty dancing, or simply, as you crazy kids say these days, shakin' my milkshake...... chances are I'm having a better time than Polanski at a Pre-school. Life can be stressful, and that stress can sometimes be the culprit of an impending monkey fist in your neck. When this happens, it's time to let that hair down and dance it out, bitch.

Some situations that can lead you to dance may include: being on a lovely date, having ants in your pants, getting wasted at a wedding, getting wasted at a party, getting wasted in a pharmacy, listening to En Vogue while showering, scoring a winning touchdown (no stranger to that!), being a stripper, being friends with Danny Zuko, etc.

So many great songs have lyrics about dancing. Of course, a lot of people may argue that a lot of these songs are actually using dancing as a metaphor for sex.... let's take the song "Let's Pretend We're Married" by "Prince". In this song there are lines such as "I won't stop until the mornin' light. Let's pretend we're married and go all night." Now, it's pretty hard to convince someone that this song is talking only about dancing, but for the sake of radio play and children's ears, this is what people attempted to perceive this as. What you may not remember from the "radio" version of this song is that there is also the line "I sincerely wanna fuck the taste outta your mouth". Good luck trying to redirect the meaning of that one. The point is, the dance floor is a centriole of joy and when you have "libated" yourself enough to partake in this transcending experience, you will be forever thankful.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dancing." Unless you are still feeling a little timid and shy about getting out on that dance floor in which case you must say "Pssh, shit is stupid anyway...... dancing....... doesn't even look like fun............. jesus that girl is really grinding up against that guy's penis region........... is she taking her top off??.......... 2 tequilla shots and a pair of Capezios please!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Daily Thanks - Day 31 - Ninjas

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for Ninjas.

I was struck by quite the moment of hesitance when approaching this as a topic to share my thoughts on. Ninjas, or people who study the art of Ninjutsu, or known to some as the Shinobi, are a group that constantly falls victim to satirical and parodical forms of portrayal, and these days can seem to be a subject matter that has been capitalized on to a point of exhaustion. Even so, the word "Ninja" has been a part of my vocabulary since I was old enough to crawl across a dojo, and I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm not gonna put in my 2 cents.

Stealth; Honor; Discipline; Swordsmanship; Deadly; Awesome; Turtle. These are all words we think of when we hear the word "Ninja". It is a lifestyle that essentially no one has the patience to pursue, yet so many of us wish that we did. However, as much as we certainly do not possess the ideal characteristics of a Ninja, it does not mean that we cannot use some of the lessons that they have taught us. Whether you are crouching behind a car in a dark parking lot in an attempt to vanish, taking a karate stance in a drunken attempt at intimidation, or throwing a drink coaster like it was a Ninja star, you are harnessing the power of the Ninja, and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations in which the art of Ninjutsu may come in handy include: being aggressively surrounded by a group of katana wielding assassins, needing to transfer yourself from one building to another through the use of a grappling hook, being caught with another woman, getting back incorrect change from an incompetent cashier, battling with "girl" issues, having a backflip competition with your friends, playing hide and seek, dealing with the fact that everyone else gets to have a gun and you don't, etc.

In a world where evil doers run rampant, it's good to know that maybe somewhere there is a Ninja doing their exercises in a room where light is only provided by the glow of a thousand candles, and maybe, just maybe, he or she is about to embark on a multi-weaponed Ninja assassination rampage in which there will be many smoke bombs, backflips, neck breaking, Ninja star throwing, nunchuck chucking, and plenty of moonlit rooftop action. For this...... we can only hope. We can also only hope for the fact that said Ninja has a facebook page and is willing to keep us all informed of these missions through the use of photo albums and status updates.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for Ninjas". Unless you are a "bad guy" in which case you must say "Boy I sure am glad that nobody actually has the balls to be a Ninja assassin vigilante these days, but I'm still gonna keep my ass out of the shadows. Not just because of the Ninjas... I also happen to be afraid of leprechauns, killer ginger dolls, gremlins, and the thought of seeing a teletubby in the dark makes my testicles shrivel up like grapes in an industrial dehydrator."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Daily Thanks - Day 30 - Vomiting

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today i am thankful that I am not vomiting.

We all know the feeling. The malaise. The hopelessness. The utter unpleasantness. The miasmal presence of all things unholy and wrong. It truly is a full-on exorcism..... except for the shouting of lines like "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" Actually, who am I to say what you may or may not scream while ejecting your stomach matter? The point is, vomiting sucks something serious and when compared to projectile puking into your porcelain prince, most things seem pretty dandy.

Some situations which may cause you to vomit include: drinking alcohol to excess, drinking milk to excess, drinking anti-freeze in any amount, being told that oysters are an aphrodisiac and getting carried away, watching an 80 year old couple experimenting with kama sutra, putting your finger in your throat, putting a kitten in your throat, being a baby, chewing tobacco while on a carnival ride with your baseball friends in the 60's, etc.

It's amazing that something like the human body, which can be so beautiful on the outside, can be so unbelievably disgusting on the inside. Vomit, urine, poo, blood, bile....... we are all pretty much one big walking, talking collection of offensive constituents. So who wants to make out?

Anyway, back to being thankful....... Life can a be a battle sometimes. Certain days will feel as though they may never end and you may feel like kamikaze bombing your office building. However, I always find it much better to be bored or frustrated than to be vomiting. "Can't find my favorite pair of socks? At least I'm not vomiting." "My VHS tapes are working less and less every year and there's nothing I can do about it? At least I'm not vomiting." "Wait, did I give him the poison one?......... let's see... the poison one was on the left..... and mine..........mine.......... or was.......... Epicac! Where's the fucking Epicac!"

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not vomiting." Unless you are bulimic in which case you must say "God that cake was so fucking good. Seriously, so fucking good. Fuck. I love cake. Now excuse me while I go puke myself back to a size zero."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Daily Thanks - Day 29 - Language

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for language.

Me Jamie. Jamie like talk. Jamie happy about existence of structural verbal communication. I must say that the construction and evolution of human language is more complex than a bipolar woman on her period. Try and dissect that and you run the risk of exhausting your brain to the point of mandatory institutionalization.

My whole life revolves around words. I do not know what I would do without them. I guess I would spend most of my time clunking women over the head with a log and dragging them back to my cave. Language is truly an amazing thing. I can wrap my mind around the development of nouns and stuff like that. Point to a tree and decide..... "tree!". Simple enough. It's when you start trying to understand the creation of prepositions and conjunctions and all that jazz that things start to get a little overwhelming. Sure I could really delve into it and try to understand how it came to be..... or I could just be thankful for it and continue eating my bagel.

Some situations in which the use of language is required may include: ordering a sandwich at a delicatessen, cussing out a little league umpire, telling somebody that they have cream cheese on the side of their face, explaining to a police officer why you are in public with no pants on, describing the beauty of an orchid, yelling things behind a news reporter during a live broadcast, making inappropriate innuendos about "stress relief" to a coworker, etc.

A word. A word. My kingdom for a word. What would I do in thy absence oh fair and treasured language? Never leave me for I would be but a peasant without your presence upon thy breath. There really is nothing quite like a good conversation and we are one fortunate mother freakin' species to be able to experience this phenomenon. The fact that we can simply sit with one another and play mental ping pong for hours is worth more thanks than I know how to give. So, I will just say that I give it...... 287 thank yous.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today i am thankful for language". Unless you are in fact Helen Keller in which case you must say.......... oh......... right....... nothing............. sorry, Helen.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Daily Thanks - Day 28 - Surprises

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for surprises.

Yes yes. I am perfectly aware that you could argue the fact that all surprises are a good thing. Obviously we know that there is a big difference between "and then Dillon surprised me with an engagement ring. We are going to be so happy!" and "I was surprised to learn that my beautiful fiance had a penis. Do NOT be surprised if I accidentally hurl myself off of this cliff." You can certainly find a negative side to everything if you want to comb through the minutia of every topic, but I find life to be much more palatable when you stay on the positive side.

Surprises are wonderful for the sheer fact that they are unexpected. When you have no preconceived expectations for something then you do not run the risk of being let down. If your friends throw you a surprise party it doesn't matter if the party is awesome or not. Your heart will be so filled with warm nuggets of love that you will say to yourself "Well fuck my cock with a rose stem. There's more love in this room than an ecstasy fueled rave among alternative lifestyle teens. Break out the glow sticks, Jessie!" Surprises are the ultimate crowd pleaser and I'll be damned if I'm not thankful for them.

Some situations that may cause you to be surprised include: getting a promotion, winning the lottery, successfully tossing a banana peel from your car window into a trash can, being told that you have a large penis, seeing Corey Feldman in a current movie, thinking that your are drinking coffee and then being told that it's decaf, finding a bag of cash, grabbing a stripper inappropriately and being kicked out of the club (What?! I thought she liked me!), etc.

"Ding Dong! Who is it? It's UPS, I have a package for you"...... If everyone experienced this exchange every day I think that you would see a perpetual ocean of smiling faces. In fact, just writing about it has inspired me to order more things online. Even things that I could very easily pick up down the street... I'm just going to order them now, and every time the delivery man arrives I will greet him with a high five and a cookie. He would most likely love me, but if not then at least he would be able to tell his friends about the crazy guy that he delivers packages to. He might even start to refer to me with a cool nickname like "high five and cookie guy" or "guy I'm pretty sure wants to rape me." Either way it will still bring me joy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for surprises." Unless you have a weak heart and are susceptible to cardiac arrest in which case you must say "Do not EVER surprise me. What!? Do you want me to DIE?? My ex wife liked to surprise me. I hated it!! how about a heads up woman!! you insensitive bitch! all the time with the surprises! It's enough! ENOUUUUGH!! ENNOUUU.... oh there goes the left arm."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Daily Thanks - Day 27 - Smiles

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for smiles.

If there is anything that is worth more words than a picture, it's a smile. What is it about this effervescent crescent on a human's face that makes us feel as though we could just twist the night away like Sam Cooke? I don't know and I don't care, but once someone flashes you those pearly whites it brings feelings of joy which could never be satiated.

I have a friend that pretty much has a permanent smile tattooed on his face. His nickname, for lack of creativity, is "Smiley". In fact, most people could not tell you his real name even after knowing him for years. Smiley is the kind of guy that you want to be around all the time because of this disposition. He projects jubilation at all times and you can't have a conversation with him without joining him in his world of sugar plum fairies and candy cane forests. The conclusion that we get from this is that smiles make people happy and for that we should be ever so thankful.

Some situations that may lead you to smile include: watching a puppy play with yarn, finding a radical prize in your cereal box, leaping over a large puddle of which success was disputable, getting things for free, playing air hockey with Robin Williams, getting back all test results "negative", eating a transcending foie gras appetizer, successfully singing or rapping all the lyrics to a song with a friend, etc.

Some situations that may NOT lead you to smile include: getting kicked in the face by a horse, thinking that there was one more stair, wanting a coke and getting diet coke, peeing shoulder to shoulder at a troth, not being able to remember an actors name, walking in on an old man powdering his genital region, shaking a hand that is wet for some reason, having an itch but it's like you don't know where it is and you can't successfully scratch it and feel like you are insane, etc.

I recently read about a guy who dedicated his whole life to studying every detail of human facial expressions. I mean serious dedication. There are an astonishing amount of facial expressions and combinations that humans are capable of and this guy has a log and a name for every single one. Such as, dilating the nostrils is called A.U. 38. He spent the majority of his life sitting around with another doctor and learning how to make every expression and documenting them. An interesting discovery that he made was that when sitting around learning and performing facial expressions of grief or anger he would start to feel grief or anger. What this shows us is that just by making the expressions associated with a feeling can actually change our moods. So if you are ever feeling blue, just smile. Fake it 'til you make it my friends.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for smiles". Unless you are one of those people that just simply seems too cool to smile in which case you must say "it's not that I'm too cool to smile.... It's just........ I got this killa up inside of me. I can't talk to my motha so I talk to my diary." oooh rap music.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Daily Thanks - Day 26 - Taking Chances

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for taking chances.

I'm feeling inspired and when you're feeling inspired you take chances. The chance that I'm taking today is writing about something inspiring...... which is taking chances.

To jump or not to jump. To take that last shot of tequila or listen to Randy and spring for a Dasani. To put on a condom or believe her when she says that she is in fact a virgin who just happens to take the pill. "Something in this room is growing and it's not in my pants. It's on your face." Every day we must face these decisions much like a matador faces a bull. All we can do is stare our predicament in the eyes and hope that we move in the right direction at the right time. But a colossal crimson cloth of guidance we do not behold. A sequined suit of sovereignty we do not sport. We only have our instinct and our gut as our counsel but we should be thankful for the rush we get from drawing that chance card.

Some situations that may lead you to taking a chance include: being a questionable distance from a yellow light, having to move your bowels on a first date, being offered a job located in a place that you can't pronounce, falling in love with a different species, being offered a "happy ending" from Yukiko, dropping a delicious 3 dollar cupcake on the ground in a parking lot, admitting that you do, from time to time, purchase cupcakes with pink frosting and then go have a beer to make you feel like a man again, etc.

If we go our whole lives without taking chances then we might as well deepthroat the barrel of a shotgun because that ain't livin' my friend. I encourage you all, the next time you want to say no, to say yes. You never know what it may lead to. However, if a strange man ever walks up to you on the street with a flask and says "Hey buddy, do me a favor and take a swig of this and tell me if it's whiskey or urine. I can't tell anymore," then in this case you have my blessing to tell him "No, Thank you" and then be gingerly on your way.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for taking chances." Unless you are the type of person that would take a chance, get into trouble because of it, then try and sue me due to my sprightly yet persuasive writing abilities in which case you must say "You know....... you sue ONE guy for seemingly selfish reasons and people treat you like a criminal. Yea I did break into the guy's house to rape his wife but come on.... I could have killed myself on that slippery tile in the entrance hall."

So remember boys and girls, if you don't gamble you can't lose...... but you also can't win much either.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 25 - Gifts

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for gifts.

Gifts. We give them. We receive them. We love them. We sometimes hate them. But no matter what, gifts will always have a special place in everyones heart. It's our little way of saying "I'd like to give you this unopened radio/weather reporter that I found under a pile of chalky tote bags in my attic in hopes that in return you have something much more thoughtful for me like a baby koala, an ivory crossbow, or I can simply accept cash or check."

Gifts are a wonderful thing because the possibilities are endless. You can get creative or play it safe. You can spend a lot or spend a little. You can even spend nothing at all. A little light in the pockets this year? Time to put those origami skills to the test. Don't have any paper? Time to start handing out coupons for sexual favors and massages. Don't worry. You're not technically a prostitute if you're doing it for free.......

Some situations that may lead you to give or receive a gift include: Birthdays, Christmas, Hanukah, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentines Day, Flag Day, Judgement Day, Independence Day, Groundhog Day, Training Day, Day of the Dead, Dog Day Afternoon, The Day After Tomorrow, Die Another Day, Baby's Day Out, The Day the Earth Stood Still.......... what was I talking about?

Sure, sometimes the gifts that you receive don't always strike your fancy and you may think to yourself "this is from someone who may be giving me gifts for the next 40 years. Do I really want them to think that I like XL Denim button-downs? Should I say something? They're just wasting their money." However, what you have to ask yourself at that point is "What is a gift, really?" I say it's simply someone plunking down some odd amount of dollars in order to sufficiently dose themselves with 6 cc's of satisfaction. It makes us feel good to give a gift and it's always a pleasure to receive them even if you have to deal with a couple of lemons.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for gifts". Unless your name is Santa Claus and the only gifts you receive are a couple of stale cookies that make you shake your belly like bowl o' jelly in which case you must say "do me a favor would you and stick with laying out the Snack Wells this year. Only one, please. They may be low in fat but they can also remain high in calories and I don't like to over indulge. Besides, Blitzen is getting a little weak in the knees."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 24 - Switches, Buttons & Levers

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for switches, buttons and levers.

The mind of a child functions in a more simplistic fashion. A naive and innocent system that lies helpless at the alluring beckon of temptation and pines for instant gratification. As a child, and also at times as an adult, there is nothing quite like the temptation of a big fat button. Just peaking into a cockpit has the same effect on ones brain as a top shelf stripper has on a 14 year olds penis. Instant mental erection.

Words such as Execute, Initiate, Start, Stop, Launch, Self Destruct, Blast Off, Begin Sequence, and the ever famous DO NOT PUSH are all words associated with the power of a switch, button or lever and for whatever reason we have an impending impulse to want to feel this power in our finger tips by flicking, pressing and cranking these captivating controls of commencement. Therefore, I shall bow my brow and say "thanks, merci and gracias" for giving us the opportunity to feel this desire.

Some situations that may lead you to having your way with a switch, button or lever include: opening a garage door, being an executioner, detonating a bomb, being a character on Loony Toons, working as a roller-coaster operator, driving a really nice Lexus, being a 00 Agent, attending Space Camp, being an impulsive and undisciplined child, seeing a "Big Red Button" of which has undisclosed purpose, etc.

KISS is an acronym that is taught in the fields of art/design/photography/ advertisement/etc. which stands for "Keep It Simple, Stupid." It is supposed to encourage people to keep things simplistic in the light of "less is more". This can certainly be true, but sometimes I wish that some things were WAY more complicated. There is just no luster in turning a key to start my car anymore. Sometimes I wish that it was a whole process involving metal toggles above my head, switches by me knees and buttons galore. I think that one of the most satisfying spectacles to witness is someone flicking multiple identical switches in a row with each flick illuminating a corresponding light. I want that in my life! Maybe one day my dream will come to fruition, but for now it still brings much joy just to know that these things are out there.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for switches, buttons, and levers." Unless you find this entire topic to be a mundane, incomprehensible and completely ridiculous form of immature self gratification in which case you must say "Do your parents sometimes wish that they would have just adopted?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 23 - Color

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for color.

Color is an amazing thing. Especially when considering the fact that if it weren't for our eyeballs, colors wouldn't even exist. Colors are simply our brain's interpretation of light reflections. If there were no such thing as the human eye, or any other eye that has our advanced rod and cone light receptors, an apple would obviously still exist, but it would be neither red nor green. It would just "be". It's kind of like the whole, "if a tree falls in the woods but there is no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound?" I say yes, because sound is vibration and vibration is movement, but color is, in some sense.... nothing.... and EVERYTHING! Color is like an oscar winning performance from Daniel Day Lewis. A seemingly effortless arrayal of flourished excellence that is layered with fervency and brilliance...... and kind of scary.

Color is something that fascinates humans in so many ways. Starting with infancy we develop these associations to feelings and emotions through color. Such as pink or red reminding us of love, or yellow and gold reminding us of happiness and positivity, or tye dye reminding us of excessive drug use, free sex and instrumental reverberation. Color is a magical thing that provides us with so much more than we take into consideration, and we should be thankful.

Some situations in which the use of color should be appreciated include: decorating your breakfast nook, plating a salmon and vegetable medley dish for your in-laws, identifying a poisonous snake, locating your nearest emergency exit, differentiating between having "flower power" or just "being big", selecting an ipod that "suits you", knowing whether you have been doused in just water or a bucket of pigs blood in which case it is time to kill everybody through the use of telekinesis "They're all gonna laugh at you!!", etc.

We use color as a form a self expression and identification. It is a guide for our field of vision and in certain situations can draw ones eye as compellingly as a buxom blonde in a wet t-shirt. Or for the other side of things, someone resemblant of brad pitt wearing nothing but a sock. In "my eyes", it is a universal and intergalactic language that will continue to provide us with joy for all eternity.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for colors." Unless you are color blind in which case you must say "Where the fuck is Waldo!!??"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.