Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 62 - Mistakes



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for mistakes.

Why do we fall? So we may learn to pick ourselves back up. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If someone tells you no, consider blackmail.

Mistakes are the root of all life lessons and are a huge catalyst in gaining experience. We can try our hardest to not make them, but they are always inevitable which is a good thing. Just imagine a life without mistakes. What would it be like? It would be stale and useless because I believe that if you are not making mistakes then you are not trying hard enough. Just look at Neil Patrick Harris. If he hadn't made the mistake of getting caught up in a life of drugs and prostitution then he never would've been able to humorously mock himself for such a lifestyle which ultimately turned him into a Hollywood icon. It's beautiful.

Some mistakes that you could possibly make in life may include: consuming a bran muffin and coffee while stuck in traffic, telling a bouncer that he looks like Dakota Fanning, owning any video game when your profession is not "video game tester", making drinks with grain alcohol that are super delicious, purchasing installation art when you live in a studio apartment with 2 other people, telling a priest that you don't think there are enough sluts at church, giving a blank check to a kid whose bicycle you ran over. "Juice?", etc.

Chuck Palahniuk once said “Your birth is a mistake you'll spend your whole life trying to correct.” I think what he was trying to convey is that we are always at a constant war with ourselves. People demand so much from their lives and it's very difficult to ever feel content. While I do believe that it is good to be driven and to keep motivated to better ourselves and our lives, it's also good to, as they say, stop and smell the roses. We must do our best to learn from our mistakes rather than dwell on them for they are a very powerful tool.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for mistakes". Unless your name is John Bobbitt in which case you must say "Never. Make. Mistakes!! But if you do... then for the love of god... invest in a chastity belt...... and keep your knives locked in a safe!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 61 - Weekends



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for weekends.

Weekends. The light at the end of the tunnel. The cheese at the end of the maze. The 2 hot girls at the end of the sausage party. It's not always easy to reach these rewards, but if you hang in there and stay positive, good things come to those who wait.

The weekend is something that really really deserves to be appreciated. And not just only when you are imbibing it's nectars, but at all times we should be thankful for these weekly vacations. Weekends keep things from getting overwhelming, and help us to take life in stride. There is nothing quite like the sensation we get when the weekend is in our crosshairs and we know that it's going to be awesome. Can I get a hell yea?

Some things that you can experience on a weekend may include: crashing a birthday party at The Discovery Zone, riding in a boat, playing with a cat, singing disney songs at karaoke, trying to perfect your Happy Gilmore 400 yard drive, taking a shot out of someone's cleavage, dancing while wearing no shirt and sunglasses, doing a handstand, having a ping-pong tournament, writing poetry about James Franco, loitering in front of a corner store with your posse, shotgunning a beer, realizing that not only did you just waste half of your beer, but now you have to go spend another 10 minutes getting a new one, etc.

Every weekend is kind of like a personal competition with yourself. It's like, how great can I make it? We feel an obligation to live it up on these days of freedom like on Monday we're getting the lethal injection, which sometimes you would probably consider. We use the weekends as our escape. Our moment to feel alive. And even though I believe that we should do our best to enjoy and appreciate every day to the fullest, it's just a whole lot easier when you're so blasted that even Michael Bolton songs sound awesome.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for weekends". Unless you are one of these people whose weekend is Monday and Tuesday or something crazy like that in which case you must say "Say what you want, but getting laid on a Monday is way easier than getting laid on the "real" weekend. First of all, way less competition, and have you ever heard of happy hour?? A time where hot 20 something's get off work and attempt to drown their sorrows with half priced double gin martinis with 8 olives that they consider dinner. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. That reminds me... I really need to get tested."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 60 - Villains



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for villains.

Sure they may not be the greatest people. They may not be the most kind and generous people. Some may not even be people at all. But where would we be with out them?

The fact of the matter is that you can't have a hero without a villain. And call me crazy but I think that Spider-Man would lose a bit of it's panache if all he did was fly around the city pressure washing sidewalks and helping people with their taxes. Nothing gets our little hearts fluttering like the classic strife between good and evil, and if there has to be some mass murdering and hospital bombing to get us there then hey.... ya know..... you can't have a burger without blowing a cow's head off.

Some situations that you can experience as a villain may include: being very wealthy, having a lot of promiscuous sex, doing a lot of drugs, living a life very similar to that of a rock star, having a device that causes knives or guns to spring out of your sleeve, somehow being able to put up more of a fight than 8 of your biggest and most dangerous goons, having a proclivity to laugh while escaping, having a soft spot for fine art and classical music, seemingly having very deep and passionate feelings for a woman but then maniacally hurling her off of a building/bridge/plane/blimp /cliff/giant eagle in order to hinder the heroes ability to achieve a set out task, etc.

Sometimes we will be watching a story of a ruthless villain unfolding in front of us and we can't help but like him or her. We know that they are doing horrible things, but we like them. The simple explanation is that no matter what, people are naturally driven to have a certain amount of respect and interest in people that are geniuses, or that are completely insane. We are drawn to what we do not understand. There is a certain amount of charm to a person that can outsmart anybody, even if they are using this ability for evil. All we can think is "I wish I could do that". The truth is that if we knew that we could rob banks and get away with it, we would all consider the life of an outlaw. The outlaw with a heart of gold, of course.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for villains". Unless you are, in fact, a superhero and this is making your blood boil in which case I would like to say to you "don't be bitter just because you spend too much time "training" and being pure to go out and get drunk and fondle something every once in a while. I know it looks like the villains are having all the fun, but you made your choice and now you have to live with it. What are you doing reading this anyway? Get out there and save somebody, pretty boy!"

Thanks for reading. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 59 - Weddings



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for weddings.

Whether you are in the confines of a grandiose chapel, amongst the flowing blades of grass of a bucolic pasture, or in Vegas betwixt an Elvis impersonator and a bottle of Absinth, a wedding is always a beautiful celebration. So beautiful, in fact, that you may find yourself asking questions like "Can you feel the love tonight?"

Weddings are fantastic not only because it is a most important day for the bride and groom, but also because it's a great excuse to throw one hell of a party. Everyone is joyful because basically what you are doing is gathering all of your friends and family to celebrate one thing. Love. And when you are celebrating love you can't help but have an absolute blast and really appreciate what life has to offer you, and for that I would like to divvy out a portion of my upmost appreciation.

Some things that you can experience while attending a wedding may include: seeing grown men cry, seeing wedding singers disguise rap songs to sound like Herbie Hancock, realizing that dancing with a double martini in one hand and cake in the other is not the best idea, not realizing that the person you are making out with is related to you, explaining to your little sister that what she saw going on in the coat closet was merely 2 people vigorously looking for their frocks, watching an adorably quirky girl give a strange speech through the use of puppetry, etc.

Weddings are the ultimate shebang. It is the joining of 2 fools in love and it is a majestic occasion. Especially if you actually like the couple. If you don't, then all you can hope for is the possibility of an objection and an open bar. Either way you are still bound to have a pretty groovy time. The wedding gods tend to make sure of that.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for weddings". Unless the last wedding you attended was the wedding of your true love and your only part in it was passing out programs in which case you must say "I was going to yell out "I object", but I accidently said "I'm erect" and people have a hard time taking you seriously after an outburst like that."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 58 - The Future



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for the future.

But how can you be thankful for something which does not yet exist? And how can you start a paragraph with the word "but"? The answer to both of these questions is simple... excessive heroin use. No not really, but I'm not obligated to answer all of your questions. I'm no philosopher. I don't rationalize. I'm just a young man with a cup of coffee and a procrastination problem, and I happen to be quite fascinated with the future.

Sure there are a few people who can predict next year's spring fashions, but to most of us the future is a blind journey into the unknown. That's what is so amazing about it. I mean really, what will the world be like? What will it look like? Maybe it will be a breezy, bubbly, crisp and clean haven of modern contempo architecture. Maybe it will be charmingly macabre and gothic with the city streets adorned by gargoyles and classic Romanesque structures, ghastly and erect into a gloomy sky. We may not know the future, but it sure is fun to think about what it may behold.

Some situations that you could possibly experience in the future may include: watching jet-pack racing on Espn, having a kitten teleported to you instantly, realizing that the Mayans were right, evading an army of T1000's, reading about The Wayans Brothers in your grandchild's history book, eating the exact same mexican food, operating everything through voice command, witnessing the return of slap-bracelets, etc.

The amazing thing about the future is that it is impossible to know what is to come. People attempt this all of the time. Look at all of the movies and books that are set in the future or that involve time travel. Occasionally there will be some technological predictions that are somewhat accurate, but other than that they usually get it so painfully wrong. Take, for instance, a movie from 20-30 years ago that's supposed to be based now or maybe within the next decade. It's just ridiculous. The clothing and music are usually just the styles from that era except totally exaggerated and made more absurd. Just goes to show, you never know. One thing I do know is that it is a marvelously captivating topic. It's fun to play with the idea of what it may be like, and people will always continue to take their shot at a forecast of the future.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for the future". Unless you have been to the future, returned safely and realized you were much happier here in which case you must say "Trust me, you don't want to know. What a headache that was. And seriously, how the hell do you use those 3 seashells!?!?!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 57 - Summer



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for Summer.

One thing is for sure, I am a huge fan of seasons. They all have their desirable and beneficial traits that give them each their own certain allure. However, you can't deny the fact that summertime is the most tantalizing season of them all. This is, perhaps, eminently based on the fact that during our most caged chapter of life as a growing human, summertime meant freedom, and freedom is something more sought after than nude photos of the Olsen twins.

People look for something in the Summer as if you use this season to reinvent yourself. There is an undeniable seductiveness that comes from this time of the year. Maybe it's because there is the hunger for vacation and the ultimate surrendering to plethoric indulgence. Maybe we should take a look at some WIll Smith lyrics from his song "Summertime". "Guys out hunting and girls doing likewise. Honking at the honey in front of you with the light eyes. She turn around to see what you beepin' at. It's like the summer's a natural aphrodisiac." It certainly is, Will. Thanks for putting it to a soft, subtle mix for us.

Some situations that you can experience during the Summer may include: Grilling some super awesome BBQ chicken, floating in a pool with an ice cold Corona so comfortably cocooned in a Cardinals koozie, designing highly animated sleds out of cardboard boxes and using them to slide down large pine straw covered hills, going to the jersey shore for some serious fist pumping, making chicken salad and having a picnic, making sangria and having a naked pool party, making caramel pound cake and having a stomach ache, getting so sunburnt that you can't even put clothes on so you just sit naked in a dark corner for 3 days with nothing but your own tears and a bottle of Jack Daniels, etc.

So have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find, because summertime is about gathering experiences and memories. Don't be shy. Plan a mint julep party. Take an impromptu vacation to the mountains. Make it count! Who knows, you just might make history. If nothing else, at least you'll have a reason to make a new facebook album on Monday morning.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for Summer". Unless all Summer is to you is a miserable sweat-fest with a bunch of assholes running around bothering you and keeping you up at night with their laughter and loud music in which case you must say "Hmm, yea... the time of year when wasps and spiders come out, it's so hot you can't even breath, we have droughts that cause global panic, and a bunch of douche bags walk around with 40 inch biceps, tribal tattoos and tans faker than Michael Vick's public apology. Yea, real fun, guys."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Daily Thanks - Luck - Part 2



This is a follow up on yesterday's Daily Thanks. A very interesting and relevant thing happened to me on the day of the "Luck" writings and I felt compelled to share. The following is a true story that happened to me yesterday.

It was a beautiful, sunny day in Atlanta, Georgia. The kind that makes you want to put on a sundress and eat strawberries in a meadow. After taking care of a few things in the morning and completing my daily thanking, I decided to use this magnificent day to run some errands and enjoy the city air. First stop was the bank to deposit a check for $41.40. Time for a new Rolex. Second stop was Walgreens where I picked up some face lotion and a bag of cashews that were disappointingly salty and dry. It's a good thing that I had a boiling hot bottle of water melting in my back seat. Nothing like a little plastic poisoning to jump start the weekend. Then I was off to a number of stores in search for a reasonably priced, non pleated pair of tuxedo pants to wear at my sisters wedding. I found a pair at one establishment for $29.99, but the fabric was very unpleasant and scratchy with resemblance to a pair of pants that you would get with a cheap halloween costume. I decided that it was not a day for successful pant acquirement and moved on.

Now, on to my last errand. I had recently read an article in a magazine about a delicious springtime libation called the Grey Goose Monaco. It is an invitingly colored, citrusy drink consisting of Grey Goose Vodka, Grand Marnier, lemon, muddled red grape, and a little sugar served in a cocktail or martini glass with a garnish of grapes speared like olives. I decided to have a couple of friends over to my place on this evening where I would grill some BBQ chicken and serve this cocktail. It was the perfect day for this activity. With Grey Goose Vodka being the premier ingredient of this drink, I was off to pick up a bottle. Grey Goose is not cheap, running at about $45.00 a bottle so I was already feeling the sting of it on the way to the liquor store, but I wanted to do the drink right so I was not going to spring for a cheaper potable.

As I am driving, I see what could have been a wallet in the middle of the road. A road with relatively high activity. It was just a split second, but I was quite sure it was a wallet. I looked in my review mirror to the motorists behind me and none of them seemed to catch it which made me think it was maybe just a leaf or some sort of debris. After driving about a half mile down the road I decided to turn back. I slowly crept up on the area of the sighting with a car behind me who's captain was growing impatient. Sure enough, there lay a wallet smack dab in the middle of the road like an ill-fated squirrel. I put my car in park with a vehicle behind me and cars coming rapidly from the other direction as well. I grabbed the wallet quickly but then realized that some of it's innards had been strewn across the road. Like an over zealous child in an easter egg hunt, I scrambled to gather all of the cards while drivers began to honk and squawk at me like a flock of angry geese. Soon enough my mission was accomplished and I jumped back in my car.

I know what you are thinking. What is he up to? Is he going to use this discovery for his own financial benefit? The answer is no. I had already decided when I had turned my car around that this was to be nothing but an act of "good samaritanism". I found the drivers license which belonged to a man of about 50 years with a tongue twister of a last name. I called information and had to spell out the last name to the operator who then thanked me for my spelling and said "I never would've been able to find that". I give her the man's home address and get his home phone number. "Connect me" I say. After a few rings a woman answers the phone. "Hey is this the (crazy long name) residence?" "Yes this is Mrs. (crazy long name)" she replies. "Hi, you don't know me. My name is Jamie Olmstead and I just found your husband's wallet in the middle of the road." "Oh my goodness!" she gasps. There is another minute of exchange between myself and the woman before I say "well I see that you live right near me and I'm in my car right now. Would you like me to bring it to you?" "Oh that would be wonderful. God bless you." she says with deep genuineness.

I arrive to the residence which is a stylish, modern stone home with dark wood beams. The kind of house that you expect to see two superbly groomed golden retrievers come running out of with ear to ear grins. The woman comes out into the driveway towards my car as I get out. I give her the wallet and she proceeds to thank me again and again and tells me what a good person I am. I know I wasn't exactly saving the whales here or anything, but she was extremely appreciative and it felt good. We spoke for a moment and I suggested that she may want to go check the street again in case I hadn't found everything. I told her to have a good weekend and I headed back to my car. "Well wait a second" she screams out. I turn back towards her. She continues "Do you by any chance like Grey Goose Vodka?" I was a bit jarred by this statement seeing as I was on the way to purchase a bottle of Grey Goose upon the wallet sighting. I did not know exactly how to respond. "That's so crazy that you are asking me that right now" I pause. "Why do you ask?" She signals for me to follow her "Well, my husband works for Grey Goose and we just got sent a case and I would love to give you a bottle." I was stunned. I explain to her that when I found the wallet I was on the way to the liquor store to obtain a bottle of Grey Goose. I told her about the article about the drink and the grill out and everything. She was amazed. "It was meant to be!" she exclaims. I went into the house where I met her daughter and mother-in-law and then received my prize. We said our goodbyes, wished each other a wonderful weekend and I got back in my car and headed home.

I couldn't help but think not only how crazy and lucky this situation was, but also about the fact that on this morning I had decided to write about "Luck". I was quite astounded, and I was very happy that we had both been able to help each other. It was sort of a magical feeling, and I really liked it.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 56 - Luck



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for luck.

Luck. It's kind of like the female ejaculation. You don't really believe in it until it's all around you.

Luck is a concept that can be quite frightening to some. Many people don't like the thought of any fate being out of their control. Sure. I can understand that. But we also have to remember that luck favors the prepared, which tells us that even though luck is somewhat supernatural, we sometimes have to make our own. You can't put a leash on fortuity, but you can feed it treats and make it like you, and for that we should be thankful.

Some situations in which a little luck can come in handy may include: taking a shot at the Craps table, sneaking into work late, realizing that the condom broke, not being 100% sure what someone's name is and having to say it, playing "rock, paper, scissors" for shotgun, eating hummus with a questionable expiration, Clint Eastwood staring you down with a 44 magnum...... punk, etc.

A lot of people like to say "don't push your luck". I would have to agree with this. Luck is something that is uncontrollable and without pattern, not something that should be counted on. That is what makes it such a beautiful thing. Unpredictability is a blessing in the sense that when things unexpectedly work out in our favor, or you hit a "lucky streak", it is all the more significant. So do your best to make your own luck, and maybe the stars will be in line for you to give that extra push over the edge, and that will be a wonderful occasion.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for luck". Unless you have absolutely nothing but bad luck in which case you must say "Hi. My name is Brett and I'm a compulsive gambler. I really don't think I need help, though. It's just a hobby.... Ok. Heads I seek treatment. Tails I go hit the slots and then get a hooker.................... Damnit.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 55 - Breakfast



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for breakfast.

When I say "breakfast", I'm not talking about that bowl of oats you devour like a famished hyena on the way out of your apartment. I'm talking about the real experience of breakfast. The kind where you sit down somewhere and get the works - coffee, eggs, grits, bacon, sausage, pancakes, biscuits, fruit, etc.

It is a very special experience filled with beautiful moments, appealing to all of the senses. Watching the cream fill in the coffee like a smoke bomb billowing into a glass chamber. The syrup cascading over a buttery short stack like an erupting volcano of deliciousness. The morning sun caressing your face like a nurturing mother. The aroma of decadent delights so sinfully sweet and savory that infiltrate your nasal passage like a tactfully trained unit. All you can do is sink back into your chair and say "Good freakin' morning!" And when you take that first bite, you kinda feel like river dancin'.

Some situations that you can experience during breakfast may include: realizing that syrup pretty much enhances everything, realizing that SOYsage is actually a pretty tasty alternative, discussing the differences between kids "these days" and the kids from "our days", feeling overly self-righteous about your generation, thinking that maybe this one night stand could actually go somewhere, really wishing that you had not taken your one night stand to breakfast, wishing that you had not chosen to have a one night stand on the night of the "white trash" theme party, not realizing that you forgot to order cheese grits instead of regular grits until someone else at your table gets their cheese grits. Damn you and your more delicious grits than mine. Damn you.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I think that this has multiple layers. One being health-wise and getting your body off to the right start at the commencement of your day, but it also has a mental layer. How you feel directly after breakfast has a large impact on your mood and mind set. If you have a breakfast that includes burnt toast, dry pancakes, a bland scramble and skimpy fruit-cup, you are more likely to stab someone on this particular day. However, if you start every day with moist cakes, savory eggs, and a fruit parfait that would excite royalty, then you have a good chance of living your life virtually stab-free. Can't complain about that!

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for breakfast". Unless you are part of my family and the whole "food" part of breakfast is not really the main incentive in which case you must say "just a bloody mary for me. thanks. and let's not be a pussy with the vodka. I want to be carried out of this place!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 54 - Awards



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for awards.

Awards are another thing that are unique to the human race. There are many other animals that live in a society of rewards, but not awards. The main difference being that a reward is something received in return of a deed done. Such as, picking someone up from the airport, or cleaning another monkey's fur. It's a "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" kind of situation. But awards, aside from highly prestigious ones like the Nobel Prize, are simply a recognition. It's sort of like you've accomplished something so great and unique that there is no way to properly reciprocate other than providing you with significant accolades.

It's interesting that we have such a great interest in awards even when they have nothing to with us. Something like The Academy Awards is a perfect example. We find a great deal of satisfaction when somebody that we really want to win wins. I think the reason for this is that we see this performance or contribution to a film and recognize it as being great and we feel an attachment, and when the Academy also recognizes this then it gives us a sense of value in our own opinion. In some way you feel as if you have won an award simply by accurately choosing who should. Special.

Some things that you could win an award for may include: developing a new theorem, having a high GPA, writing a great song, making a great film, making a terrible film, being an excellent athlete, taking a great picture of something really terrible, being the world's Number 1 Dad, having super long fingernails, falling 9 feet directly to your testicles (Darwin), accurately portraying a disabled person if you are perfectly abled, or a gay person if you're straight, or an old person if you're young, or a boy if you're a girl, or a tall person if you're short, or a happy person if you're sad, or a monkey if you're a deer, or a plate of yams if you're a Romanian interior decorator, etc.

People love to win awards no matter what. Even if it's for something bad. Go ahead and try this theory out. Make a little certificate out of a scrap of paper and give it to a friend as an award for "Shittiest Beard", and they will love it. They will simply feel honored for the fact that they were recognized for a unique quality that somehow made somebody else think about them. Then maybe for the presentation of this award, you will be REwarded with a smile and a hug or high five.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for awards." Unless you're Meryl Streep in which case you must say "Really? 30 years since I've won an oscar? And I've been nominated like 20 freakin times? This is getting ridiculous. Are you trying to hurt me? From now on, stop nominating me unless I'm a shoe-in, which I usually am anyway..... and still manage to lose...... Pssh. Academy...... get a real job."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 53 - Learning



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for learning.

Learning - the cornerstone of human development. What a blessing it is to have a big, spongy ball of matter in our head that soaks up information. Personal development, or advancement, can truly be the most rewarding experience known to our species, and we should be ever so grateful that we are pretty damn good at it.

They say that you learn something new every day, which is true, but misleading. The fact of the matter is that we probably learn hundreds of new things every day. I probably learned 20 new things in the first half hour of my day just by catching a few minutes of the news and by having a brief conversation while getting my coffee. Information is constantly being thrown at us and the amount of time that we spend taking in, storing, and disposing cognitive information is outstanding. By the way, did you know that Bill Murray was bitten twice by the groundhog on the set of "Groundhog Day"?

Some situations in which you can learn something may include: paying attention during social studies, reading an article about NYPD tactics, having sex after 12 shots of tequila, tagging along on a heist, trying on clothes of the opposite sex, poking something with a stick, having an in depth conversation with a homeless person, experimenting with muffin recipes, taking a hip-hop dance class with your homies, etc.

Learning is the acquiring of new knowledge, and though it is true that we learn something new every day, it does not mean that we retain all of that information. People have extremely selective memories, which is why some things we remember and some we do not. We may have spent 6 months in school learning about anatomy and still not know a damn thing about digestive enzymes produced by the pancreas even though it was pounded into our heads over and over. Yet, for some reason, we never forget that thing that someone told us once about ninjas at the age of 8. All it took was one time and it's burned into our brain. The point is, it feels good to learn, and even though information will always find you, it doesn't hurt to seek it out every once in a while. So go learn something! You may remember it forever, you may encode it somewhere in your brain for later retrieval, or you may forget it completely, but at least you tried.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for learning." Unless you have a highly underdeveloped brain and retain very little information which also tends to be incredibly selective in which case you must say "I think he was talking about ninjas....."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 52 - Anxiety



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for anxiety.

When experiencing a state of heightened anxiety you may not be thinking "I am thankful for this", but.... maybe you should. Imagine a life in which you never feel anxious. It seems like somewhat of a mundane existence. In many cases, anxiety comes partner to feelings of excitement, which tells us that we should embrace this seemingly unpleasant feeling and appreciate the blessing of it's cause.

Many people would associate anxiety with fear, which they should not do. One of the biggest differences between the two is that fear pertains to the present as anxiety pertains to the future. This is important in the sense that this tells us that fear is something experienced during an uncontrollable situation and anxiety is experienced as a result of something that has not happened yet, meaning that it can be controlled. For instance, you may experience fear when tied to a railroad track while a train is barreling down on you. There's not much you can do in this situation other than start vigorously nibbling at your restraints. On the other side of things, you may feel anxiety when driving your car with someone in your trunk who you intend to tie to a railroad track. Which boat would you rather be in?...... That's what I thought.

Some situations in which you can experience anxiety may include: proposing to your girlfriend, proposing to your friend's girlfriend, picking out a dress for the dance, giving a speech at a "Furries" convention, hearing the music speed up while playing Mario, the first day at a new job, pitching your idea for a reality show about "virgin males who aren't allowed to masturbate while sharing a house with pornstars" to a network, singing a Minnie Riperton song at your parents' wedding vow renewal ceremony, etc.

Anxiety is something that everyone has to deal with on some level. It will never go away so the best thing to do is learn to love it. If you spend your life trying to avoid doing things that cause anxiety then you are restricting your personal growth and hindering your chances for life changing opportunities and experiences. Go forth into the night, my friends.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for anxiety." Unless you suffer from an extreme case of Social Anxiety Disorder in which case you must say "I don't know how I could ever be thankful for anxiety when I can't answer the phone without sweating. The only thing I fear more than human interaction is palindromes. I just don't have the stomach for them" "God, a red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!" Crazy.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 51 - Dates



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dates.

Whether you're sharing an intimate evening with a significant other, feeling out a new candidate for possible courtship, or simply sharing a cheese platter with your platonic friend whom will never abide to your fantasies of carnal pleasure, dates can be a beautiful, deep dish slice of life.

The company. The ambiance. The timeless, warm decor of your favorite smokehouse - all of the accoutrements of a perfect date night. Sure, from time to time we can get a few butterflies in our baskets, but what's life without the occasional line drive at our nerves. Just remember to be polite, be yourself, listen, don't bring up sex toys before appetizers, and don't flirt with your server. At least, not too much.... Follow these guidelines and you've got the bulk of the ingredients needed for a fantastic date, and for that you should be thankful.

Some situations that you can experience while on a date may include: giggling like a schoolgirl, wondering if there is something in your teeth, showing off your juggling skills, wishing that alcohol wasn't so expensive, drinking great amounts of alcohol in an attempt to forget about how expensive it is, watching a scary movie, being super excited about a cuddle initiation, finding out that your date is married, questioning your morals, starting to feel like you've been setup, thinking that becoming a double agent was a risky idea, making cookies, having an amazing time, etc.

When talking about dates there is one thing that always comes to mind. The goodnight kiss. When is it going to happen? Will it happen at all? Is a boob grab inappropriate? The answers are always going to be - Don't know, Don't know, and...... follow your instincts. The best thing to remember is that, chances are, your date is thinking about it as well, and unless the night was a total disaster or if one of you has recently vomited then I would say go ahead and lunge! Then top it off with a smooth line like "mmmm just like your sister."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dates." Unless you feel that dating is for pathetic pea-brains in a hopeless search for love in which case you must say "You people are all just sick masochists. Don't you see what love and relationships do to people? It's a path to self destruction! God I really hate that Hugh Grant."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 50 - Comebacks



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for comebacks.

When I say "comeback", I am not referring to a witty retort to an insult starting with "Yea, well the Jerk Store called....". What I am referring to is the act of a magnificent return or revitalization.

In America we have a sick tendency to almost root for the failure of people at the top. We see a subject of great stature starting a slow downward spiral and we fuel that fire like a group of boiler room workers on the Titanic. However, one thing that we love more than watching someone or somethings demise is watching it's glorious comeback. It gives us joy to root for something, and it makes us feel good when there is hope for a second chance.

Some things that I would like to see make a comeback include: Discos, afros, pogs, Jeremy Piven's receding hairline, PG movies that have a surprising amount of foul language, Kris Kross, $5.00 movie tickets, rollerblading, Sifl & Olly, Pauly Shore, the Wayans Bros, using the word "Not!" penny loafers, my ability to drink without getting hangovers, etc.

Some things that I would NOT like to see make a comeback include: Jnco jeans, The Verve Pipe, Sex and the City (just stop already), parachute pants, "Wassssuuuuup!", Homeboys in Outer Space, Surge, god awful sequels, big hair, my pubescent inability to control my erections, etc.

We may live in a world that is littered with "has beens" and "never will bes", but we also happen to live in a world with a handful of "Kotters" waiting to be told "Welcome back!" When it comes to comebacks it's hard to make predictions, but they are as sure to happen as an M. Night twist. So, keep a look out, because something from your past is preparing to pounce you like a lion in heat.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for comebacks." Unless you have been awaiting your comeback for so long that hope is but a grain of sand on a horizonless beach in which case you must say "Why Keanu?! I don't understand! It was Bill and Ted! Not Ted and Bill! What about ME?!?! What about Bill!!!.... The Matrix is stupid anyway. There's no way that those sunglasses would stay on their faces throughout all of that."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 49 - Wheels



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for wheels.

For many people, it is easy to simply step over the brilliance of the invention of the wheel much like it was a drunk bum in front of your local Cold Stone Creamery. However, as simple as it may seem, we all know that hindsight is 20/20. The invention of the wheel was like a riddle that someone asks you that has the most simple and obvious answer, yet you dig down to the most cavernous depths of your mind in search of a solution to no avail. Then when you hear the answer you say to yourself "wow I'm stupid".

It was so unobvious, in fact, that human beings roamed the earth for nearly 150,000 years before the wheel came to fruition in any form. Even then it was thousands and thousands of years before the wheel was ever properly developed in the use of transportation. Then there was the undying evolution of the wheel from using stone, to wood, to using axles, the spoked wheel, the use of metals, the steel rim, the tire, etc. It went on and on and to this day we still find new ways to improve these whirling wonders. So while you may feel that the wheel aint no big deal, then riddle me this - I make things float like a butterfly, and I look like a plate. Things are much easier when I begin to gyrate. You can find me on a car. You can find me on a truck. If it wasn't for me I think you'd all be fucked. What am I?

Some situations in which the use of wheels is present can include: competing in a pinewood derby, getting a drive-thru chili dog, graciously rolling in your computer chair from one desk to another to grab a file, driving to the hospital after getting too careless with your computer chair maneuvers, rollerblading, skateboarding, unicycling, street luging, steering a boat, buying a vowel, grocery shopping, mowing a lawn, taking a hayride, synchronized segway dancing, etc.

In the words of Paul McCartney, "I can't tell you how I feel. My heart is like a wheel. Let me roll it to you." Let me roll it to you indeed! Paul knows that wheels, even when used metaphorically, make things easier. And if you can't trust a "Beatle", then I don't know who to trust anymore. That's why I bow down and give it up for the blessing of our own perfect circle.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for wheels." Unless continuous circular motion makes you nervous in which case you must say " I don't trust anything that has no end. Circle or not. I don't even like this whole "bottomless coffee" thing. It's just sick. I like coffee just fine, but come on folks let's set a limit."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 48 - Adventures



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for adventures.

A great Captain, who had a hook for a hand as a result of a pesky flying boy and a hungry crocodile, once said "Death is the only great adventure I have left." There is sadness and beauty in this expression of the high seas. You may think that these are the woeful words of a withering old swashbuckler, but it's really just a falsely bleak declaration of a man who has seen and done it all - women, travel, top notch education, victory, defeat, hostile takeover, money, murder, danger, success.... Adventure!!

The power and brilliance of adventure comes from it's uncertainty. One of the main laws of adventure seeking is being willing to accept an undetermined outcome. It is a game of risk, and that is what makes it appealing and frightening. Fear, being our most primal emotion, has as much affect on our bodies as it does our minds. In a moment of fear our bodies produce extraordinary amounts of adrenaline and our heart rate rises. This reaction can cause the enhancement of certain senses while dulling others. Maybe we virtually lose our hearing and momentarily develop super sight enabling us to slow down our perception of the world around us and move like a cheetah. It happens... and it happens during adventures.

Some adventures that you may experience in your lifetime, should you choose to do so, may include: searching for buried treasure, seeking revenge on the men who killed your wife and cat, having sex in a movie theater, saving the lost ark from the hands of nazis, taking a stab at the rubik's cube, taking a stab at stabbing someone who's trying to stab you in a stable, walking a tightrope between the twin towers, swimming with sharks, swimming with lions, swimming with Emilio Estevez, starting up a pajama company, building your own go kart, telling someone that you love them...... in the rain...... while you both have guns pointed at each other, etc.

The time to take action is upon us, my friends. It is time to spin in circles in the middle of the road in your quaint fishing town while screaming "What are you waiting for!!!?? What are you waiting fooooorrrr??!!" Yea? So smash open that piggy bank, pack some PB&J's and take that adventure that's been prodding at your mind like a little fat boy with a stick who's just found a dead body in the marsh. It's never too late!..... Unless it's after dark. Then you should probably just sleep on it. It's dangerous out there.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for adventures." Unless you simply can't go on adventures due to your dog, Coatsy, and your cat, Mitten, in which case you should say "Who went poopoo on the card table??!! Was that you Mitten? It must have been! No way Coatsy could get up there. Bad! That's a bad Mitten! Bad Mitten! haha....... Badminton.......... shuttle cock."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 47 - Parties



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for parties.

Ooooohhhhh snap dragon. Today we are talking about parties, and unless you are a pusillanimous shut-in with an action figure collection of unmatched proportions, then the chances are that you too are thankful for parties.

When you have an insurmountable hunger for nocturnal exploits, nothing is as metaphorically hearty as a party. It is an experience that we naturally pine for. From playing that newly acquired song in your itunes while getting ready and doing your "mirror poses", to drinking tequila even though you said you wouldn't, to arriving home much too late for your own good, to waking up hungover and breaking for that glass of ice water that may as well have been sent from angels..... everything is a crucial ingredient in properly treating our kicking and screaming party bug. What can I say? I'm a clown, and parties are my rodeo.

Some situations that you can experience while attending a party may include: taking a shot with someone you haven't seen since high school, having a conversation about how awesome Madonna is, being profoundly mesmerized by a jam session consisting of drunk people making instruments out of kitchen appliances, finally realizing what the phrase "a stupid is as stupid does" actually means, looking for a friend who got the hiccups and then disappeared, finding deep appreciation for gatherings with "open bar", saying to someone "we really need to hang out more. I miss you.", getting into an impromptu freestyle battle or beatbox session, drunkenly making out with someone while thinking to yourself "man, I really have to pee, but if I tell them that will it totally ruin the moment? Will they even be here when I get back? Did I just drink a beer that had a cigarette butt in it?", etc.

Going to a party is kind of like going to church. You go to drink, to sing, to listen to stories, it's just as much about social obligation as anything else, and slap me and call me sally if there isn't a legion of people out there that consider beer a religion. I don't want to go too far with these beliefs, but all I'm saying is that in the church of the heavy clam bake..... call me pastor, and this is my sermon.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for parties." Unless you have extreme social anxiety and cannot handle the party scene in which case you must say "and I told bill...be.. because they moved my desk 4 times and I used to be over by the window and I could see the squirrels and they were married....but I kept my stapler, and... and if they take my stapler again then... then I.. I'm gonna set the building on fire."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 46 - Orgasms



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for orgasms.

I don't think it's too much of a secret that people are thankful for orgasms. We have all had them, hopefully.... and we all enjoy them. But what do we really know about these sensational soirees of sexual stimulation? If an alien being asked you what an orgasm was would you have an answer? "Uhhh, it's like.... this awesome thing....". That explanation is about as useful as nipples on a man.

The reason that you may have a hard time verbalizing the details of an orgasm is mostly due to the fact that an orgasm is truly a difficult thing to define. We can say that it is a series of pleasurable muscle contractions, but that is merely pertaining to the physiological properties when there are also psychological, endocrinological, and neurological factors that come into play. Especially in women. In a way, an orgasm is beautifully undefinable. It's like a little fairy that flies through our bodies plucking our pleasure strings, and I am expressing gratitude.

Some situations that can lead you to have an orgasm may include: having sex with another human, having sex with a wax sculpture of Sheryl Crow, masturbating in a dark corner, getting a vigorous lap dance, sitting on a washing machine or dryer, having a "nocturnal emission", eating a really good waffle, taking ecstasy and going to a Beck concert, getting a phone call, and........... sneezing...... no lie. It can happen. Google it.

I find it interesting to think about the time of my life that predated my first orgasm. What was I doing with myself? I think the most exciting things in my life then were ninja weapons and cookie cake. Not to speak badly about either of those things, but compared to orgasmic release they are simply moot. That being said, I encourage you all to go out and have yourself an orgasm. Just don't do it on the bus. That is frowned upon.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for orgasms". Unless you have somehow made it this far in life without achieving climax in which case you must say "I think I've had one...... how do you know? Is it really better than cookie cake?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 45 - Magic



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for magic.

Much like the human race, there are many different kinds of magic. There is White Magic, Black Magic, Magic Mushrooms, Magic Bullet, Magic Johnson, Magic 8-ball, Wicca, Witchcraft, Sorcery, Wizardry, etc. The possibilities are boundless in this art of the arguably sinful society of seance.

"But what is it really?", the people ask. Is it evil? Is it dangerous? Can it make your penis larger? As long as this force is around and talked about there will be questions about it and I may not have every answer you are looking for, but what I can do is remove my hat and sunglasses and pay my respect to this whimsical wonder of many shapes and sizes. So back to the question of "But what is it really?" My only answer for you is...... Oh Oh Oh it's magic! Ya knooooooooow.

Some situations in which you may choose to use magic can include: bringing a little girl's dead rabbit back to life, stealing peoples watches, levitating through an aromatics shop, casting spells on your crush, spying on said crush in the shower, making yourself more tan, finding someone's card, impressing children, impressing drunk people, not impressing the guy interviewing you for a job, giving a girl an orgasm, saving fern gully, etc.

In the words of Doris Day... "When we walk hand-in-hand, the world becomes a wonderland. It's magic. How else can I explain, those rainbows when there isn't rain? It's magic." Ahhh Yes. Magic can also be used to describe a feeling, such as a first kiss, or a successful ring toss rewarding you with a giant stuffed sea otter. I like the phrase "There was magic in the air." It gives you hope that sometimes things will happen for a reason and it will pay off in a beautiful way. Magic can be a blessing, but just make sure that you do not abuse the power of magic or else it will get all kinds of Salem Witch Trial up in this bitch.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for magic." Unless you have fallen victim to a crazy witchcraft practicing ex who cast a spell on you causing you to experience graphic tourette's while attending dinner parties in which case you must say "Can someone please pass the COCK! NIPPLES! pass the NIPPLES!....... sorry...... I just really.... If you could just pass the COCK!... on my NIPPLES!.........can I be excused?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 44 - Travel



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for travel.

Whether you are whisking away to the tropics in pursuit of straw furnishing cocktails and a little R n' R or simply grabbing that stowed away wad of cash and getting the hell out of dodge, travel is the experience above all experiences.

We use travel as a way of escape. To get away from the daily grind, or to avoid a stab wound from the man who caught you naked with his wife and daughter snorting coke lines off of their loins. It is our ultimate excuse to unwind. To let our guards down. To throw caution to the wind. To LIVE damnit!! It is something that we always want to be memorable, and it usually finds a way to do just that.

Some things that you can experience while traveling may include: watching the sunrise on a beach, watching the sunset upon a mountain top, watching your son set a hotel room on fire, having an educational "plane" conversation about the difference between Japan and China (the robes?), tasting foods that you never knew existed, vomiting up foods that you never knew existed, hitting on someone whom does not speak your language, feeling a strong desire to learn another language, feeling somewhat guilty and belittled by the fact that everyone on the planet seems to know at least a little english, being mistaken for a celebrity and signing an autograph, being drunk and getting way too into a street musical performance, conquering fears, having an all around awesome time!, etc.

Interestingly, the whole concept of "vacation" is a relatively new thing. In the late 19th century vacations were only taken by teachers and students who took time to "vacate" the school premises, and by people of the elite in which cases vacations were most likely to be the result of a medical issue. However, even then, these vacations did not necessarily pertain to the act of traveling. We have been blessed with many things as people of this generation, and recreational travel is one of them. Cupcakes are another.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for travel." Unless you are a sufferer of severe hodophobia (fear of travel) in which case you must say "Nah you guys go ahead, I'm just gonna stay here. You have fun, though. No I really can't.... I gotta get my haircut anyway..... and someone really should stay here....... to uh....... exercise the gaskets so the pipes don't freeze up...... yes I realize that it's April, but we've had some chilly nights. It's just that unpredictable time of year for weather......... (coughs) totally getting sick as well......... No I will not unlock the door....."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in says to come.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 43 - Pairings



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pairings.

In the words of Aimee Mann "One is the loneliest number". Shocking? No.... but profound?....... Also no....... but it certainly is accurate and that's all that matters. When it comes down to it, where would salt be without pepper? Honey without nut? oxford polos without chinos? Sifl without Olly? breasts without nipples? They would all be rendered useless. Some things were meant to be completed by a counterpart and I am thankful for all of these lonesome doves finding their match.

Some common pairings that always seem to find each other include: strawberries and chocolate, peaches and cream, guns and roses, penises and vaginas, naked drunk girls and cameras, marijuana and video games, biscuits and gravy, mike tyson and hookers, tequila and bad decisions, iced over driveways and makeshift cardboard box luges, friends recently released from prison and poorly planned schemes involving an ex girlfriends stepfathers fraudulent investment agency and a supposedly legit wildlife preservation in South America, etc.

In a world filled with so many mysteries and unanswered questions, I'm glad to know that some things just seem to find each other with the greatest of ease. The next time you think that something is wonderful on it's own, I suggest extending your hand to the possibility of a perfect pairing. It could be out there, and when found, it's divine. Just look at what happened when poor Art Garfunkel was no longer part of the duo Simon & Garfunkel. Sure Paul did ok, but it was still not the same, and Art..... jesus. What a disaster. He may have had a couple of decent songs there, but for the most part it was an overly breezy easy listening nightmare that made Kenny G look like Sid Vicious.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pairings". Unless you are a strong believer in the Lone Ranger and think that pairing just shows weakness in which case you must say "The only pair that I need in life is me and my shotgun....... and whisky...... So I guess that's more of a triad..... like I said...... the only pairs I like...... are bartlett."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 42 - Espionage



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for espionage.

Timothy Dalton. Sean Connery. Pierce Brosnan. What do they all have in common? believe it or not, not much. Their birth dates span over a 23 year period and they all hail from different countries. Regardless, they are all actors who have managed to portray the same character of "James Bond", and James Bond is awesome.

James Bond, and many other characters alike, have been the vehicles that guide us through the world of espionage or, in other words, being a spy. Over the years, espionage has become something that is synonymous with words like suave, cultured, worldly, badass, awesome, sex, gadget, shaken not stirred, helicopter explosion, etc. It's a lifestyle that sends the message of "I may be a full blown misogynistic alpha male with a sweet tan and a shiny gun who can, from time to time, be known to "slap a bitch", but I do it with class and I also happen to save the world on a daily basis so I pretty much have a free pass through all walks of life." Espionage is a titillating facet of the human experience and we should all sing it's praise.

Some situations you can find yourself in when delving into the realm of espionage may include: firing missiles from a speeding aston martin, wearing a dastardly dapper tailored suit, engaging in sexual activities considered illegal in certain places with multiple partners who may or may not be trying to kill you, repelling down the side of a blimp, strangling a gaggle of large men to death, getting a mani-pedi, flirting with money-penny, eating some manicotti, having a way with words that is only matched by your way with weapons, etc.

Being a spy is a job held clandestinely for the coolest, most cunning cats on the corner. If we all could, then maybe we would, but for the most part we just don't have what it takes. This is the reason that we enjoy it so much. We can enjoy it from the confines of our own home through a book, film, tv show, or elaborate porno flick alongside our favorite lager and a piece of meat. If we really want to, we can go down to the local spy store and blow our latest pay check on some kick ass gear that we can use to spy on the hotties across the hall. If you get caught, just tell them that they are in danger, offer them a drink, dim the lights, and make sweet love to yourself after they leave.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for espionage". Unless the thrill of adventure frightens you in which case you must say "You wanna talk about adventure? Last Tuesday I wore one black sock and one blue. I was so scared that someone would see. Talk about a rush...... Ok Ally McBeal is starting."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 41 - Drug Deal



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not participating in a drug deal.

As much as I enjoy having my life threatened by the act of chainsaw mutilation, I just assume not hitch my wagon to that star. Of course, we all know that buying drugs can sometimes be as easy as "Hey Steve, I fancy a bag of pot. Groovy. See you at the disco tonight", but these are not the kinds of exchanges that I care to address today.

I can get a little anxious when a waitress is standing over me and I haven't decided what to order yet. I can't imagine the tidal wave of panic I would endure when combing through a million dollars worth of blow while some scofflaw named Esteban tickles my ear with the barrel of an assault rifle. This is a path in life that I have chosen not to follow. I enjoy a good caper as much as anyone else, but I am thankful that I don't face the chance of death and imprisonment on a daily basis. At least, I don't consciously FURTHER my chances...

Some situations can lead you into participating in a high profile drug deal may include: being a high profile drug dealer, stocking up for a weekend getaway in vegas, proving yourself to the "capo", being an undercover cop, being a corrupt cop, being a schizophrenic retired cop, being courtney love's personal assistant, looking to make your one big score then skip town with your new peach flavored hooker girlfriend named Alabama, etc.

Drug deals are more "sketch" filled than a trash bin in a Life Drawing class. I don't care what the circumstances are, there is always a chance that something will go awry and when that happens.... people get angry and grown men get neutered. I don't know about you, but if I can get through my life without jeopardizing the safety and intactness of my testicles then as far as I'm concerned.. life is peachy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not participating in a drug deal". Unless you are, in fact, participating in a drug deal in which case you must say "Before I give you the money who want's to see a magic trick? You're gonna love this. Ok I'm gonna need a volunteer...... who here has a briefcase full of cocaine?...... Don't worry about what I'm gonna do with it."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 40 - Competition



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for competition.

Bathed in the delicate flicker of candlelight, Daniel Plainview delivers the line "I have a competition in me..... I want no one else to succeed...... I hate most people." This is what I bellow into the skies each morning as I sacrifice a goat and wallow in it's blood. It helps me keep my wits about everything and assures that I remain driven. Win or go home, gentlemen!

Ok so maybe winning isn't everything, but it's definitely something. If we weren't living in a society filled with people who strive to be better than the next, then we would just be a bunch of inbreds burning witches and performing surgery with large rocks. I, for one, have not burned a witch in years. At least not for religious reasons....... and for this blessing I say take 2 doses of thanks and call me in the morning.

Some situations that can lead you into the heat of competition may include: a pick up game of touch football, dying easter eggs, discussing film trivia, going after the same girl, going after the same guy, name dropping, balancing on a chain, chicken fighting, comparing fingernail cleanliness and upkeep, saving your ski resort from a greedy developer, being told that you play ball like a GIRL!, etc.

Competitiveness forces us to keep our minds and bodies limber, and we don't always have to be competing against someone else. We can compete with ourselves. Ever play yourself in basketball? It's great. You always win. Yet... you also always lose. It's bittersweet. Kind of like banging a celebrity on a public bathroom floor.... but one thing will always remain true. Competition is a requisite in life, it is essential to human progression, and if we stick together then we will someday overtake all of these witches that damn our harvest.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for competition". Unless you are the type of person who is going to be a big sore loser if you don't win in which case you must say "Doesn't count! The timer was up! You change that fucking card or I will kill your mother and sodomize your father! TEST ME!" Jesus, Barry. You're playing Scattergories against a 7 year old.... put down the cleaver you baboon.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 39 - Pranks



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pranks.

There are moments we tend to feel that our lives can be a long dull path into an imminent stalemate. When will this day end? When will they call back? When will this rash dwindle? When these feelings are upon us it is sometimes appropriate to seek enjoyment and excitement at the expense of others. That's right. Pranks. High jinks. Shenanigans.... But if you are to partake in the world of pranking just remember 3 things.

1. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.
2. Do them out of jest and playfulness.
3. Rape is not a prank.

Some classic pranks that you can perform may include: the taped down sink sprayer, the cup of water over the doorway, the flour in the hair dryer, the saran wrap over the toilet seat, the embezzlement of your boss's money, the adultery, the tying one's shoelaces together while they're sitting, the removing of a subject's chair from behind them as they stand, and who can forget the trusty ol' "roofie in the drink". The girls love that one.

The desire for mischievousness is just a part of being a human. Who are we to fight our natural urges? So get out there and have some fun with a prank or two, but try not to let it get too out of hand. If it does... just remember that the best way to clean blood is hydrogen peroxide and COLD water. Do not use any warm water on tainted surfaces until all blood has been sufficiently diluted.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pranks". Unless you have recently fallen victim to a horrible prank leaving your body and/or soul in a state of dilapidation in which case you must say "Although I am covered in burn scars and have a crushed larynx, I must say.... you got me, man. You got me. If I could.... I would laugh...... and then stab you."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 38 - Reality Television



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for reality television.

Humans are truly an interesting species. Who would've thought that after coming so far and progressing so much in the art of entertainment, all we really wanted to do was watch ourselves. If Freud was alive today I think that he would be a reality television producer. The whole experience to him would be like a free rein theme park of psychoanalysis. The "id" working at it's highest potential! For the participants and the viewer.....

Being an avid film lover, I have always been one to turn my nose up at reality television. However, as I got older I learned to separate these shows from any category of creative expression. I also learned to avoid calling it mindless entertainment that would contribute to an inevitable decline in the human brain developmental process. I now find it to be sincerely educational. Who would've thought that putting a neurotic cowboy, a rapper, and a gay filipino dancer in a space ship with 3 sluts, a case of rum and a brick of cocaine would be a recipe for conflict and situational humor. I sure didn't.... but thanks for showing me the light.

Some situations that you can witness on a reality television show may include: drunken hot tub makeout sessions, drunken brawling, drunken sex while completely hidden under the covers in some sort of attempt at being inconspicuous while muttering "I can't believe I'm doing this", people crushing on each other, people hating on each other, some extremely haggard "morning after" faces, too many strategically placed commercial breaks, seeing yourself fall into a depressing catatonic state of obsession with the lives of others, etc.

Reality television is like the losing of your virginity. It's messy, rudimentary, and can leave you feeling ashamed, but you usually come out of it having learned something. If there is one thing that I have learned from recent mega-hit reality show "Jersey Shore", it's that the only thing better than filling a house with a handful of people that are all completely different, it's filling a house with a handful of people that are all exactly the same. I have also learned quite a bit about hair and tan maintenance and the art of "fist pumping". Thanks guys.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for reality television". Unless you have had your life ruined as a result of being on a reality show in which case you must say "fuck the guy that convinced me that being on reality tv would give me a prosperous future. Jesus, and I blew him...... I knew I should've stayed in nursing school. At least I've got my new edgy love ballad album coming out entitled "You think you know me, bitch?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 37 - Revenge



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for Revenge.

Revenge. The most powerful motive and a common root to some of the greatest stories ever told. Even though the need to seek out revenge is most likely the result of a numbingly tragic event, we tend to thoroughly enjoy the temporary or permanent insanity that the revenge inflictor endures. We respect their passion, fearlessness, and overall lack of concern for their own life.

Of course, I tend to get a little ahead of myself. Not all tales of revenge have to be of epic proportion and life threatening. Some can be more on a level of what I like to call "playful retaliation". Example: A roommate happens to take your sandwich without asking. That's a low blow, snacky joe. As a result I may seek vengeance by hiring a male prostitute to bust into his work and cause a scene while screaming "You gave me herpes you slut!" That tends to get the message across fairly well. Revenge can be a beautiful thing if carried out with grace and dignity, and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations that can cause you to seek revenge may include: Being cut in front of in a line, having your family brutally murdered by a ruthless villain, falling victim to identity theft, being deliberately "cock-blocked", having your modest yet charming and loved business threatened by an evil conglomerate, being told that the movie "Be Cool" is "worth a watch", having a stripper refuse to give you change for a dollar, etc.

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. I have always liked that saying. The message that it is trying to give is that as a victim of wrong doing you are temporarily given the permission to break down societal barriers, cast your morals aside and lash out in a ruthless whirlwind. But think about this... What are some of the common dishes that are served cold? ice cream, potato soup, yogurt parfait, cereal, jello..... what do they all have in common? They are all eaten with a spoon, which means that the recipient of the dish is at their most helpless state of defense. Ah hah! From this I conclude that if you are to seek revenge, maybe it doesn't mean that serving it cold means to serve it ruthlessly and carelessly. Maybe it means to serve it strategically in a way that the target of revenge is at their weakest position and face an inevitable peril. Wuah ha haha hahahaha!

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for revenge". Unless right now you are expecting to have revenge taken upon you in which case you must say "I'll have the toughest piece of meat you got. Steaming hot! with a side of.... clay pigeons. Yeeeeaaa." Think about it.......

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 36 - Showers



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for showers.

Taking a shower is one activity that is clearly unmatched. I sometimes feel that I absolutely live for these glorious geysers of rejuvenation. Every time you bless your body with a shower it is like a new beginning. A clean slate. It doesn't matter what happened beforehand for a shower is total reaffirmation.

I remember as a child I would sometimes complain about having to take a shower. I can't, for the life of me, remember why. I think it is very interesting that kids tend to complain about having to shower, eat and go to sleep, but as adults these become our favorite activities. "It's like raaayyyeeeaaaiiin on your wedding day!" Reference gotten? good. No matter how bad things get we will always have showers to wash our worries away like an angelic avalanche surging from our own personal portal, and for this we shall rejoice.

Some situations that can lead you to take a shower may include: playing flag football, committing a bloody murder, having sex, continuing having sex, losing an egg toss, procrastinating, simply wanting to warm up, using a gas station bathroom, watching 2 girls 1 cup, looking for a place to cry in a gripping drama on the Lifetime channel, getting beaned by a giant ball of oil la la la, etc.

What is it about warm falling water that soothes us like a puppy at its mothers nipple? Sometimes I actually laugh in psychotic happiness when I get in the shower. It's just so good..... I don't understand how someone can go a day without showering. That does not compute with me. I need at least 1 shower a day to function. There is a magical power that comes from a shower, and I'm drawn to it like a bee to a flower. I'd like to take one every hour. Oh shower.... my dear shower.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for showers". Unless you are somewhat of a dirty hippie and like to avoid showering in which case you must say "I may not take showers..... but I uhh..... I fuckin...... ummm...haha.... what?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 35 - Lost Wallet



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that my wallet is not lost.

Nothing brings on that overwhelming feeling of sudden hysteria quite like the moment in which you realize you may have lost your wallet. It is like someone has briskly removed your aorta and hidden it from you as you scramble around feeling your body slip into lifelessness. Your drivers license, your credit cards, your cash, your "one hole punch away from a free sandwich" deli card, your treasured locks of hair from the girl you have been stalking.... All gone!! It is a helpless and soul strangling experience and I feel that, today, food will taste better and air will feel fresher knowing that my wallet is perfectly safe and sound as a pound.

Some situations that can cause you to lose your wallet may include: being a tourist in Europe, being a sufferer of narcolepsy, getting into a spontaneous wrestling match in the woods at night, jumping on trampolines, having one night stands, keg stands, hand stands, sitting in the stands, having a dance off, essentially anything involving excessive alcohol consumption, etc.

Our wallets are something that we tend to take for granted until they are gone, and if you happen to find that missing wallet you will become bestrewn with a feeling somewhat comparable to orgasmic release. You suddenly feel the need for a cigarette, a glass of water, and a nap. It is a feeling that is so great that it's almost worth the losing of the wallet just to experience the moment that you find it. However, I say we just give our thanks, appreciate what we have, and promise that we'll never let go. I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that my wallet is not lost". Unless you have in fact lost your wallet in which case you must say "The first number I pull off of a girl in months and I put it in my wallet and then lose it.... Why would she even write it down on paper in the first place when clearly we both have cellphones? Who does that anymore? What is it the 1800's? It doesn't make sense! Why don't we just wear top hats and monocles and listen to a fucking gramophone while we're at it!" Actually, that sounds like a lot of fun. Where does one get a gramophone these days?

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 34 - Torture



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured.

"God this meeting is torture." "This blind date is torture." "Every day at this job is absolute fucking torture!" Bullshit! I don't think anything less than torture itself can be compared to torture. We all have our problems, and yes there are times where I have said "I would rather take a steel mallet to the mouth than have to deal with this any longer", and I most likely meant it, but a quick devastating blow certainly does not, literally, "pack the same punch" as being tortured. Therefore, I'm gonna go ahead and sing a snippet of zippity-do-da in celebration of currently being an unrestrained free human with no jumper cables hooked up to my testicles. Beautiful.

Some situations that may cause you to be tortured include: being a prisoner of war, being a prisoner of Gwar, being an evil child's pet hamster, sharing a Hostel room with slutty Eastern-European women, being "stuck in the middle with" Mr. Blonde, taking a wrong turn when going camping, being savagely siphoned for information regarding Calvin Klein's upcoming spring collection, etc.

Sure our lives can be grueling. Long days and sleepless nights.... but I urge you to take solace in the fact that, at the end of the day, the only person taking tools of torture to us is our kinky friend, Ivanka, who makes you squeal for an absolute steal. Especially on 2 for 1 Wednesdays.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured." Unless you are a masochist and derive great sexual pleasure from ruthless torture in which case you must say "No please don't stop writing! Just reading this has got my nipples buzzing like a bumble bee on a sunflower."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 33 - Pretending



Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pretending.

Where would we be without the wondrous and magical kingdom of pretend? Can you imagine? No Werewolves........ no Santa Claus........ no Jesus.... It seems to me like it would be a cold, dark chasm of catatonia, and I am graced with a little bit of pleasure for good measure knowing that at any time during my day I can pick up my pen and pretend that it is a magical spear with the power of 11 strong ponies. I mean, who is going to stop me... maybe the evil, fire breathing koala gnome of Kalgoria, a.k.a Brad from H.R? Never!

Pretending is an important part in shaping the human brain and helping us to interpret the world as we see fit. It is an outlet for creativity and exploration and it should be utilized more commonly by the average adult. So, have a little fun today. Be a Jedi, build a fort, hunt and attack your burrito before you eat it... When it comes to pretending, the possibilities are truly endless and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations in which you may use the art of pretending include: fighting off demons with your nephew, getting through a given area without touching the ground because the ground is "lava", faking an orgasm, fighting off ninja warriors, acting sad when being told that your shitty boss died, using bunk beds as a pirate ship, an elaborate role play with your lover in which you arrange a meeting at a bowling alley and pretend that you don't know each other then going to get a hotel room for wild sex, etc.

I did so much pretending as a child that I had a hard time distinguishing between reality and fantasy. This was mostly due to the fact that I thought my name was "Pretend". My sister was constantly wanting to pretend and would do things like hand me a stick and say to me "Pretend this is a sword", and I would be a little confused because I was like "I think it's a stick, but ok." It got kind of scary sometimes...."Pretend you are dying". "I'm what?!?!?". Eventually we cleared up all the muck and I was able to embrace the world of pretend with much enthusiasm. After that I couldn't get from my bedroom to the bathroom without dodging explosives and slaying dragons.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pretending". Unless you are one of these people that thinks that they can make millions by reading a book called "Get Rich in 30 Days" in which case you must say "I clearly am already living in a fantasy world."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.