Friday, April 23, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 56 - Luck

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for luck.

Luck. It's kind of like the female ejaculation. You don't really believe in it until it's all around you.

Luck is a concept that can be quite frightening to some. Many people don't like the thought of any fate being out of their control. Sure. I can understand that. But we also have to remember that luck favors the prepared, which tells us that even though luck is somewhat supernatural, we sometimes have to make our own. You can't put a leash on fortuity, but you can feed it treats and make it like you, and for that we should be thankful.

Some situations in which a little luck can come in handy may include: taking a shot at the Craps table, sneaking into work late, realizing that the condom broke, not being 100% sure what someone's name is and having to say it, playing "rock, paper, scissors" for shotgun, eating hummus with a questionable expiration, Clint Eastwood staring you down with a 44 magnum...... punk, etc.

A lot of people like to say "don't push your luck". I would have to agree with this. Luck is something that is uncontrollable and without pattern, not something that should be counted on. That is what makes it such a beautiful thing. Unpredictability is a blessing in the sense that when things unexpectedly work out in our favor, or you hit a "lucky streak", it is all the more significant. So do your best to make your own luck, and maybe the stars will be in line for you to give that extra push over the edge, and that will be a wonderful occasion.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for luck". Unless you have absolutely nothing but bad luck in which case you must say "Hi. My name is Brett and I'm a compulsive gambler. I really don't think I need help, though. It's just a hobby.... Ok. Heads I seek treatment. Tails I go hit the slots and then get a hooker.................... Damnit.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 55 - Breakfast

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for breakfast.

When I say "breakfast", I'm not talking about that bowl of oats you devour like a famished hyena on the way out of your apartment. I'm talking about the real experience of breakfast. The kind where you sit down somewhere and get the works - coffee, eggs, grits, bacon, sausage, pancakes, biscuits, fruit, etc.

It is a very special experience filled with beautiful moments, appealing to all of the senses. Watching the cream fill in the coffee like a smoke bomb billowing into a glass chamber. The syrup cascading over a buttery short stack like an erupting volcano of deliciousness. The morning sun caressing your face like a nurturing mother. The aroma of decadent delights so sinfully sweet and savory that infiltrate your nasal passage like a tactfully trained unit. All you can do is sink back into your chair and say "Good freakin' morning!" And when you take that first bite, you kinda feel like river dancin'.

Some situations that you can experience during breakfast may include: realizing that syrup pretty much enhances everything, realizing that SOYsage is actually a pretty tasty alternative, discussing the differences between kids "these days" and the kids from "our days", feeling overly self-righteous about your generation, thinking that maybe this one night stand could actually go somewhere, really wishing that you had not taken your one night stand to breakfast, wishing that you had not chosen to have a one night stand on the night of the "white trash" theme party, not realizing that you forgot to order cheese grits instead of regular grits until someone else at your table gets their cheese grits. Damn you and your more delicious grits than mine. Damn you.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I think that this has multiple layers. One being health-wise and getting your body off to the right start at the commencement of your day, but it also has a mental layer. How you feel directly after breakfast has a large impact on your mood and mind set. If you have a breakfast that includes burnt toast, dry pancakes, a bland scramble and skimpy fruit-cup, you are more likely to stab someone on this particular day. However, if you start every day with moist cakes, savory eggs, and a fruit parfait that would excite royalty, then you have a good chance of living your life virtually stab-free. Can't complain about that!

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for breakfast". Unless you are part of my family and the whole "food" part of breakfast is not really the main incentive in which case you must say "just a bloody mary for me. thanks. and let's not be a pussy with the vodka. I want to be carried out of this place!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 54 - Awards

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for awards.

Awards are another thing that are unique to the human race. There are many other animals that live in a society of rewards, but not awards. The main difference being that a reward is something received in return of a deed done. Such as, picking someone up from the airport, or cleaning another monkey's fur. It's a "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" kind of situation. But awards, aside from highly prestigious ones like the Nobel Prize, are simply a recognition. It's sort of like you've accomplished something so great and unique that there is no way to properly reciprocate other than providing you with significant accolades.

It's interesting that we have such a great interest in awards even when they have nothing to with us. Something like The Academy Awards is a perfect example. We find a great deal of satisfaction when somebody that we really want to win wins. I think the reason for this is that we see this performance or contribution to a film and recognize it as being great and we feel an attachment, and when the Academy also recognizes this then it gives us a sense of value in our own opinion. In some way you feel as if you have won an award simply by accurately choosing who should. Special.

Some things that you could win an award for may include: developing a new theorem, having a high GPA, writing a great song, making a great film, making a terrible film, being an excellent athlete, taking a great picture of something really terrible, being the world's Number 1 Dad, having super long fingernails, falling 9 feet directly to your testicles (Darwin), accurately portraying a disabled person if you are perfectly abled, or a gay person if you're straight, or an old person if you're young, or a boy if you're a girl, or a tall person if you're short, or a happy person if you're sad, or a monkey if you're a deer, or a plate of yams if you're a Romanian interior decorator, etc.

People love to win awards no matter what. Even if it's for something bad. Go ahead and try this theory out. Make a little certificate out of a scrap of paper and give it to a friend as an award for "Shittiest Beard", and they will love it. They will simply feel honored for the fact that they were recognized for a unique quality that somehow made somebody else think about them. Then maybe for the presentation of this award, you will be REwarded with a smile and a hug or high five.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for awards." Unless you're Meryl Streep in which case you must say "Really? 30 years since I've won an oscar? And I've been nominated like 20 freakin times? This is getting ridiculous. Are you trying to hurt me? From now on, stop nominating me unless I'm a shoe-in, which I usually am anyway..... and still manage to lose...... Pssh. Academy...... get a real job."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.