The Daily Thankful

Daily Thanks - Day 62 - Mistakes

2010-06-02T10:35:00.001-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for mistakes.

Why do we fall? So we may learn to pick ourselves back up. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If someone tells you no, consider blackmail.

Mistakes are the root of all life lessons and are a huge catalyst in gaining experience. We can try our hardest to not make them, but they are always inevitable which is a good thing. Just imagine a life without mistakes. What would it be like? It would be stale and useless because I believe that if you are not making mistakes then you are not trying hard enough. Just look at Neil Patrick Harris. If he hadn't made the mistake of getting caught up in a life of drugs and prostitution then he never would've been able to humorously mock himself for such a lifestyle which ultimately turned him into a Hollywood icon. It's beautiful.

Some mistakes that you could possibly make in life may include: consuming a bran muffin and coffee while stuck in traffic, telling a bouncer that he looks like Dakota Fanning, owning any video game when your profession is not "video game tester", making drinks with grain alcohol that are super delicious, purchasing installation art when you live in a studio apartment with 2 other people, telling a priest that you don't think there are enough sluts at church, giving a blank check to a kid whose bicycle you ran over. "Juice?", etc.

Chuck Palahniuk once said “Your birth is a mistake you'll spend your whole life trying to correct.” I think what he was trying to convey is that we are always at a constant war with ourselves. People demand so much from their lives and it's very difficult to ever feel content. While I do believe that it is good to be driven and to keep motivated to better ourselves and our lives, it's also good to, as they say, stop and smell the roses. We must do our best to learn from our mistakes rather than dwell on them for they are a very powerful tool.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for mistakes". Unless your name is John Bobbitt in which case you must say "Never. Make. Mistakes!! But if you do... then for the love of god... invest in a chastity belt...... and keep your knives locked in a safe!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 61 - Weekends

2010-06-02T10:29:00.000-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for weekends.

Weekends. The light at the end of the tunnel. The cheese at the end of the maze. The 2 hot girls at the end of the sausage party. It's not always easy to reach these rewards, but if you hang in there and stay positive, good things come to those who wait.

The weekend is something that really really deserves to be appreciated. And not just only when you are imbibing it's nectars, but at all times we should be thankful for these weekly vacations. Weekends keep things from getting overwhelming, and help us to take life in stride. There is nothing quite like the sensation we get when the weekend is in our crosshairs and we know that it's going to be awesome. Can I get a hell yea?

Some things that you can experience on a weekend may include: crashing a birthday party at The Discovery Zone, riding in a boat, playing with a cat, singing disney songs at karaoke, trying to perfect your Happy Gilmore 400 yard drive, taking a shot out of someone's cleavage, dancing while wearing no shirt and sunglasses, doing a handstand, having a ping-pong tournament, writing poetry about James Franco, loitering in front of a corner store with your posse, shotgunning a beer, realizing that not only did you just waste half of your beer, but now you have to go spend another 10 minutes getting a new one, etc.

Every weekend is kind of like a personal competition with yourself. It's like, how great can I make it? We feel an obligation to live it up on these days of freedom like on Monday we're getting the lethal injection, which sometimes you would probably consider. We use the weekends as our escape. Our moment to feel alive. And even though I believe that we should do our best to enjoy and appreciate every day to the fullest, it's just a whole lot easier when you're so blasted that even Michael Bolton songs sound awesome.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for weekends". Unless you are one of these people whose weekend is Monday and Tuesday or something crazy like that in which case you must say "Say what you want, but getting laid on a Monday is way easier than getting laid on the "real" weekend. First of all, way less competition, and have you ever heard of happy hour?? A time where hot 20 something's get off work and attempt to drown their sorrows with half priced double gin martinis with 8 olives that they consider dinner. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. That reminds me... I really need to get tested."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 60 - Villains

2010-05-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for villains.

Sure they may not be the greatest people. They may not be the most kind and generous people. Some may not even be people at all. But where would we be with out them?

The fact of the matter is that you can't have a hero without a villain. And call me crazy but I think that Spider-Man would lose a bit of it's panache if all he did was fly around the city pressure washing sidewalks and helping people with their taxes. Nothing gets our little hearts fluttering like the classic strife between good and evil, and if there has to be some mass murdering and hospital bombing to get us there then hey.... ya know..... you can't have a burger without blowing a cow's head off.

Some situations that you can experience as a villain may include: being very wealthy, having a lot of promiscuous sex, doing a lot of drugs, living a life very similar to that of a rock star, having a device that causes knives or guns to spring out of your sleeve, somehow being able to put up more of a fight than 8 of your biggest and most dangerous goons, having a proclivity to laugh while escaping, having a soft spot for fine art and classical music, seemingly having very deep and passionate feelings for a woman but then maniacally hurling her off of a building/bridge/plane/blimp /cliff/giant eagle in order to hinder the heroes ability to achieve a set out task, etc.

Sometimes we will be watching a story of a ruthless villain unfolding in front of us and we can't help but like him or her. We know that they are doing horrible things, but we like them. The simple explanation is that no matter what, people are naturally driven to have a certain amount of respect and interest in people that are geniuses, or that are completely insane. We are drawn to what we do not understand. There is a certain amount of charm to a person that can outsmart anybody, even if they are using this ability for evil. All we can think is "I wish I could do that". The truth is that if we knew that we could rob banks and get away with it, we would all consider the life of an outlaw. The outlaw with a heart of gold, of course.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for villains". Unless you are, in fact, a superhero and this is making your blood boil in which case I would like to say to you "don't be bitter just because you spend too much time "training" and being pure to go out and get drunk and fondle something every once in a while. I know it looks like the villains are having all the fun, but you made your choice and now you have to live with it. What are you doing reading this anyway? Get out there and save somebody, pretty boy!"

Thanks for reading. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 59 - Weddings

2010-05-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for weddings.

Whether you are in the confines of a grandiose chapel, amongst the flowing blades of grass of a bucolic pasture, or in Vegas betwixt an Elvis impersonator and a bottle of Absinth, a wedding is always a beautiful celebration. So beautiful, in fact, that you may find yourself asking questions like "Can you feel the love tonight?"

Weddings are fantastic not only because it is a most important day for the bride and groom, but also because it's a great excuse to throw one hell of a party. Everyone is joyful because basically what you are doing is gathering all of your friends and family to celebrate one thing. Love. And when you are celebrating love you can't help but have an absolute blast and really appreciate what life has to offer you, and for that I would like to divvy out a portion of my upmost appreciation.

Some things that you can experience while attending a wedding may include: seeing grown men cry, seeing wedding singers disguise rap songs to sound like Herbie Hancock, realizing that dancing with a double martini in one hand and cake in the other is not the best idea, not realizing that the person you are making out with is related to you, explaining to your little sister that what she saw going on in the coat closet was merely 2 people vigorously looking for their frocks, watching an adorably quirky girl give a strange speech through the use of puppetry, etc.

Weddings are the ultimate shebang. It is the joining of 2 fools in love and it is a majestic occasion. Especially if you actually like the couple. If you don't, then all you can hope for is the possibility of an objection and an open bar. Either way you are still bound to have a pretty groovy time. The wedding gods tend to make sure of that.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for weddings". Unless the last wedding you attended was the wedding of your true love and your only part in it was passing out programs in which case you must say "I was going to yell out "I object", but I accidently said "I'm erect" and people have a hard time taking you seriously after an outburst like that."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 58 - The Future

2010-05-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for the future.

But how can you be thankful for something which does not yet exist? And how can you start a paragraph with the word "but"? The answer to both of these questions is simple... excessive heroin use. No not really, but I'm not obligated to answer all of your questions. I'm no philosopher. I don't rationalize. I'm just a young man with a cup of coffee and a procrastination problem, and I happen to be quite fascinated with the future.

Sure there are a few people who can predict next year's spring fashions, but to most of us the future is a blind journey into the unknown. That's what is so amazing about it. I mean really, what will the world be like? What will it look like? Maybe it will be a breezy, bubbly, crisp and clean haven of modern contempo architecture. Maybe it will be charmingly macabre and gothic with the city streets adorned by gargoyles and classic Romanesque structures, ghastly and erect into a gloomy sky. We may not know the future, but it sure is fun to think about what it may behold.

Some situations that you could possibly experience in the future may include: watching jet-pack racing on Espn, having a kitten teleported to you instantly, realizing that the Mayans were right, evading an army of T1000's, reading about The Wayans Brothers in your grandchild's history book, eating the exact same mexican food, operating everything through voice command, witnessing the return of slap-bracelets, etc.

The amazing thing about the future is that it is impossible to know what is to come. People attempt this all of the time. Look at all of the movies and books that are set in the future or that involve time travel. Occasionally there will be some technological predictions that are somewhat accurate, but other than that they usually get it so painfully wrong. Take, for instance, a movie from 20-30 years ago that's supposed to be based now or maybe within the next decade. It's just ridiculous. The clothing and music are usually just the styles from that era except totally exaggerated and made more absurd. Just goes to show, you never know. One thing I do know is that it is a marvelously captivating topic. It's fun to play with the idea of what it may be like, and people will always continue to take their shot at a forecast of the future.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for the future". Unless you have been to the future, returned safely and realized you were much happier here in which case you must say "Trust me, you don't want to know. What a headache that was. And seriously, how the hell do you use those 3 seashells!?!?!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 57 - Summer

2010-05-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for Summer.

One thing is for sure, I am a huge fan of seasons. They all have their desirable and beneficial traits that give them each their own certain allure. However, you can't deny the fact that summertime is the most tantalizing season of them all. This is, perhaps, eminently based on the fact that during our most caged chapter of life as a growing human, summertime meant freedom, and freedom is something more sought after than nude photos of the Olsen twins.

People look for something in the Summer as if you use this season to reinvent yourself. There is an undeniable seductiveness that comes from this time of the year. Maybe it's because there is the hunger for vacation and the ultimate surrendering to plethoric indulgence. Maybe we should take a look at some WIll Smith lyrics from his song "Summertime". "Guys out hunting and girls doing likewise. Honking at the honey in front of you with the light eyes. She turn around to see what you beepin' at. It's like the summer's a natural aphrodisiac." It certainly is, Will. Thanks for putting it to a soft, subtle mix for us.

Some situations that you can experience during the Summer may include: Grilling some super awesome BBQ chicken, floating in a pool with an ice cold Corona so comfortably cocooned in a Cardinals koozie, designing highly animated sleds out of cardboard boxes and using them to slide down large pine straw covered hills, going to the jersey shore for some serious fist pumping, making chicken salad and having a picnic, making sangria and having a naked pool party, making caramel pound cake and having a stomach ache, getting so sunburnt that you can't even put clothes on so you just sit naked in a dark corner for 3 days with nothing but your own tears and a bottle of Jack Daniels, etc.

So have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find, because summertime is about gathering experiences and memories. Don't be shy. Plan a mint julep party. Take an impromptu vacation to the mountains. Make it count! Who knows, you just might make history. If nothing else, at least you'll have a reason to make a new facebook album on Monday morning.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for Summer". Unless all Summer is to you is a miserable sweat-fest with a bunch of assholes running around bothering you and keeping you up at night with their laughter and loud music in which case you must say "Hmm, yea... the time of year when wasps and spiders come out, it's so hot you can't even breath, we have droughts that cause global panic, and a bunch of douche bags walk around with 40 inch biceps, tribal tattoos and tans faker than Michael Vick's public apology. Yea, real fun, guys."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Luck - Part 2

2010-05-09T06:41:00.000-07:00

This is a follow up on yesterday's Daily Thanks. A very interesting and relevant thing happened to me on the day of the "Luck" writings and I felt compelled to share. The following is a true story that happened to me yesterday.

It was a beautiful, sunny day in Atlanta, Georgia. The kind that makes you want to put on a sundress and eat strawberries in a meadow. After taking care of a few things in the morning and completing my daily thanking, I decided to use this magnificent day to run some errands and enjoy the city air. First stop was the bank to deposit a check for $41.40. Time for a new Rolex. Second stop was Walgreens where I picked up some face lotion and a bag of cashews that were disappointingly salty and dry. It's a good thing that I had a boiling hot bottle of water melting in my back seat. Nothing like a little plastic poisoning to jump start the weekend. Then I was off to a number of stores in search for a reasonably priced, non pleated pair of tuxedo pants to wear at my sisters wedding. I found a pair at one establishment for $29.99, but the fabric was very unpleasant and scratchy with resemblance to a pair of pants that you would get with a cheap halloween costume. I decided that it was not a day for successful pant acquirement and moved on.

Now, on to my last errand. I had recently read an article in a magazine about a delicious springtime libation called the Grey Goose Monaco. It is an invitingly colored, citrusy drink consisting of Grey Goose Vodka, Grand Marnier, lemon, muddled red grape, and a little sugar served in a cocktail or martini glass with a garnish of grapes speared like olives. I decided to have a couple of friends over to my place on this evening where I would grill some BBQ chicken and serve this cocktail. It was the perfect day for this activity. With Grey Goose Vodka being the premier ingredient of this drink, I was off to pick up a bottle. Grey Goose is not cheap, running at about $45.00 a bottle so I was already feeling the sting of it on the way to the liquor store, but I wanted to do the drink right so I was not going to spring for a cheaper potable.

As I am driving, I see what could have been a wallet in the middle of the road. A road with relatively high activity. It was just a split second, but I was quite sure it was a wallet. I looked in my review mirror to the motorists behind me and none of them seemed to catch it which made me think it was maybe just a leaf or some sort of debris. After driving about a half mile down the road I decided to turn back. I slowly crept up on the area of the sighting with a car behind me who's captain was growing impatient. Sure enough, there lay a wallet smack dab in the middle of the road like an ill-fated squirrel. I put my car in park with a vehicle behind me and cars coming rapidly from the other direction as well. I grabbed the wallet quickly but then realized that some of it's innards had been strewn across the road. Like an over zealous child in an easter egg hunt, I scrambled to gather all of the cards while drivers began to honk and squawk at me like a flock of angry geese. Soon enough my mission was accomplished and I jumped back in my car.

I know what you are thinking. What is he up to? Is he going to use this discovery for his own financial benefit? The answer is no. I had already decided when I had turned my car around that this was to be nothing but an act of "good samaritanism". I found the drivers license which belonged to a man of about 50 years with a tongue twister of a last name. I called information and had to spell out the last name to the operator who then thanked me for my spelling and said "I never would've been able to find that". I give her the man's home address and get his home phone number. "Connect me" I say. After a few rings a woman answers the phone. "Hey is this the (crazy long name) residence?" "Yes this is Mrs. (crazy long name)" she replies. "Hi, you don't know me. My name is Jamie Olmstead and I just found your husband's wallet in the middle of the road." "Oh my goodness!" she gasps. There is another minute of exchange between myself and the woman before I say "well I see that you live right near me and I'm in my car right now. Would you like me to bring it to you?" "Oh that would be wonderful. God bless you." she says with deep genuineness.

I arrive to the residence which is a stylish, modern stone home with dark wood beams. The kind of house that you expect to see two superbly groomed golden retrievers come running out of with ear to ear grins. The woman comes out into the driveway towards my car as I get out. I give her the wallet and she proceeds to thank me again and again and tells me what a good person I am. I know I wasn't exactly saving the whales here or anything, but she was extremely appreciative and it felt good. We spoke for a moment and I suggested that she may want to go check the street again in case I hadn't found everything. I told her to have a good weekend and I headed back to my car. "Well wait a second" she screams out. I turn back towards her. She continues "Do you by any chance like Grey Goose Vodka?" I was a bit jarred by this statement seeing as I was on the way to purchase a bottle of Grey Goose upon the wallet sighting. I did not know exactly how to respond. "That's so crazy that you are asking me that right now" I pause. "Why do you ask?" She signals for me to follow her "Well, my husband works for Grey Goose and we just got sent a case and I would love to give you a bottle." I was stunned. I explain to her that when I found the wallet I was on the way to the liquor store to obtain a bottle of Grey Goose. I told her about the article about the drink and the grill out and everything. She was amazed. "It was meant to be!" she exclaims. I went into the house where I met her daughter and mother-in-law and then received my prize. We said our goodbyes, wished each other a wonderful weekend and I got back in my car and headed home.

I couldn't help but think not only how crazy and lucky this situation was, but also about the fact that on this morning I had decided to write about "Luck". I was quite astounded, and I was very happy that we had both been able to help each other. It was sort of a magical feeling, and I really liked it.

Daily Thanks - Day 56 - Luck

2010-04-23T09:02:00.001-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for luck.

Luck. It's kind of like the female ejaculation. You don't really believe in it until it's all around you.

Luck is a concept that can be quite frightening to some. Many people don't like the thought of any fate being out of their control. Sure. I can understand that. But we also have to remember that luck favors the prepared, which tells us that even though luck is somewhat supernatural, we sometimes have to make our own. You can't put a leash on fortuity, but you can feed it treats and make it like you, and for that we should be thankful.

Some situations in which a little luck can come in handy may include: taking a shot at the Craps table, sneaking into work late, realizing that the condom broke, not being 100% sure what someone's name is and having to say it, playing "rock, paper, scissors" for shotgun, eating hummus with a questionable expiration, Clint Eastwood staring you down with a 44 magnum...... punk, etc.

A lot of people like to say "don't push your luck". I would have to agree with this. Luck is something that is uncontrollable and without pattern, not something that should be counted on. That is what makes it such a beautiful thing. Unpredictability is a blessing in the sense that when things unexpectedly work out in our favor, or you hit a "lucky streak", it is all the more significant. So do your best to make your own luck, and maybe the stars will be in line for you to give that extra push over the edge, and that will be a wonderful occasion.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for luck". Unless you have absolutely nothing but bad luck in which case you must say "Hi. My name is Brett and I'm a compulsive gambler. I really don't think I need help, though. It's just a hobby.... Ok. Heads I seek treatment. Tails I go hit the slots and then get a hooker.................... Damnit.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 55 - Breakfast

2010-04-15T08:04:00.001-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for breakfast.

When I say "breakfast", I'm not talking about that bowl of oats you devour like a famished hyena on the way out of your apartment. I'm talking about the real experience of breakfast. The kind where you sit down somewhere and get the works - coffee, eggs, grits, bacon, sausage, pancakes, biscuits, fruit, etc.

It is a very special experience filled with beautiful moments, appealing to all of the senses. Watching the cream fill in the coffee like a smoke bomb billowing into a glass chamber. The syrup cascading over a buttery short stack like an erupting volcano of deliciousness. The morning sun caressing your face like a nurturing mother. The aroma of decadent delights so sinfully sweet and savory that infiltrate your nasal passage like a tactfully trained unit. All you can do is sink back into your chair and say "Good freakin' morning!" And when you take that first bite, you kinda feel like river dancin'.

Some situations that you can experience during breakfast may include: realizing that syrup pretty much enhances everything, realizing that SOYsage is actually a pretty tasty alternative, discussing the differences between kids "these days" and the kids from "our days", feeling overly self-righteous about your generation, thinking that maybe this one night stand could actually go somewhere, really wishing that you had not taken your one night stand to breakfast, wishing that you had not chosen to have a one night stand on the night of the "white trash" theme party, not realizing that you forgot to order cheese grits instead of regular grits until someone else at your table gets their cheese grits. Damn you and your more delicious grits than mine. Damn you.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I think that this has multiple layers. One being health-wise and getting your body off to the right start at the commencement of your day, but it also has a mental layer. How you feel directly after breakfast has a large impact on your mood and mind set. If you have a breakfast that includes burnt toast, dry pancakes, a bland scramble and skimpy fruit-cup, you are more likely to stab someone on this particular day. However, if you start every day with moist cakes, savory eggs, and a fruit parfait that would excite royalty, then you have a good chance of living your life virtually stab-free. Can't complain about that!

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for breakfast". Unless you are part of my family and the whole "food" part of breakfast is not really the main incentive in which case you must say "just a bloody mary for me. thanks. and let's not be a pussy with the vodka. I want to be carried out of this place!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 54 - Awards

2010-04-13T08:47:00.001-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for awards.

Awards are another thing that are unique to the human race. There are many other animals that live in a society of rewards, but not awards. The main difference being that a reward is something received in return of a deed done. Such as, picking someone up from the airport, or cleaning another monkey's fur. It's a "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" kind of situation. But awards, aside from highly prestigious ones like the Nobel Prize, are simply a recognition. It's sort of like you've accomplished something so great and unique that there is no way to properly reciprocate other than providing you with significant accolades.

It's interesting that we have such a great interest in awards even when they have nothing to with us. Something like The Academy Awards is a perfect example. We find a great deal of satisfaction when somebody that we really want to win wins. I think the reason for this is that we see this performance or contribution to a film and recognize it as being great and we feel an attachment, and when the Academy also recognizes this then it gives us a sense of value in our own opinion. In some way you feel as if you have won an award simply by accurately choosing who should. Special.

Some things that you could win an award for may include: developing a new theorem, having a high GPA, writing a great song, making a great film, making a terrible film, being an excellent athlete, taking a great picture of something really terrible, being the world's Number 1 Dad, having super long fingernails, falling 9 feet directly to your testicles (Darwin), accurately portraying a disabled person if you are perfectly abled, or a gay person if you're straight, or an old person if you're young, or a boy if you're a girl, or a tall person if you're short, or a happy person if you're sad, or a monkey if you're a deer, or a plate of yams if you're a Romanian interior decorator, etc.

People love to win awards no matter what. Even if it's for something bad. Go ahead and try this theory out. Make a little certificate out of a scrap of paper and give it to a friend as an award for "Shittiest Beard", and they will love it. They will simply feel honored for the fact that they were recognized for a unique quality that somehow made somebody else think about them. Then maybe for the presentation of this award, you will be REwarded with a smile and a hug or high five.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for awards." Unless you're Meryl Streep in which case you must say "Really? 30 years since I've won an oscar? And I've been nominated like 20 freakin times? This is getting ridiculous. Are you trying to hurt me? From now on, stop nominating me unless I'm a shoe-in, which I usually am anyway..... and still manage to lose...... Pssh. Academy...... get a real job."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 53 - Learning

2010-03-30T07:49:00.001-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for learning.

Learning - the cornerstone of human development. What a blessing it is to have a big, spongy ball of matter in our head that soaks up information. Personal development, or advancement, can truly be the most rewarding experience known to our species, and we should be ever so grateful that we are pretty damn good at it.

They say that you learn something new every day, which is true, but misleading. The fact of the matter is that we probably learn hundreds of new things every day. I probably learned 20 new things in the first half hour of my day just by catching a few minutes of the news and by having a brief conversation while getting my coffee. Information is constantly being thrown at us and the amount of time that we spend taking in, storing, and disposing cognitive information is outstanding. By the way, did you know that Bill Murray was bitten twice by the groundhog on the set of "Groundhog Day"?

Some situations in which you can learn something may include: paying attention during social studies, reading an article about NYPD tactics, having sex after 12 shots of tequila, tagging along on a heist, trying on clothes of the opposite sex, poking something with a stick, having an in depth conversation with a homeless person, experimenting with muffin recipes, taking a hip-hop dance class with your homies, etc.

Learning is the acquiring of new knowledge, and though it is true that we learn something new every day, it does not mean that we retain all of that information. People have extremely selective memories, which is why some things we remember and some we do not. We may have spent 6 months in school learning about anatomy and still not know a damn thing about digestive enzymes produced by the pancreas even though it was pounded into our heads over and over. Yet, for some reason, we never forget that thing that someone told us once about ninjas at the age of 8. All it took was one time and it's burned into our brain. The point is, it feels good to learn, and even though information will always find you, it doesn't hurt to seek it out every once in a while. So go learn something! You may remember it forever, you may encode it somewhere in your brain for later retrieval, or you may forget it completely, but at least you tried.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for learning." Unless you have a highly underdeveloped brain and retain very little information which also tends to be incredibly selective in which case you must say "I think he was talking about ninjas....."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 52 - Anxiety

2010-03-29T15:09:00.001-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for anxiety.

When experiencing a state of heightened anxiety you may not be thinking "I am thankful for this", but.... maybe you should. Imagine a life in which you never feel anxious. It seems like somewhat of a mundane existence. In many cases, anxiety comes partner to feelings of excitement, which tells us that we should embrace this seemingly unpleasant feeling and appreciate the blessing of it's cause.

Many people would associate anxiety with fear, which they should not do. One of the biggest differences between the two is that fear pertains to the present as anxiety pertains to the future. This is important in the sense that this tells us that fear is something experienced during an uncontrollable situation and anxiety is experienced as a result of something that has not happened yet, meaning that it can be controlled. For instance, you may experience fear when tied to a railroad track while a train is barreling down on you. There's not much you can do in this situation other than start vigorously nibbling at your restraints. On the other side of things, you may feel anxiety when driving your car with someone in your trunk who you intend to tie to a railroad track. Which boat would you rather be in?...... That's what I thought.

Some situations in which you can experience anxiety may include: proposing to your girlfriend, proposing to your friend's girlfriend, picking out a dress for the dance, giving a speech at a "Furries" convention, hearing the music speed up while playing Mario, the first day at a new job, pitching your idea for a reality show about "virgin males who aren't allowed to masturbate while sharing a house with pornstars" to a network, singing a Minnie Riperton song at your parents' wedding vow renewal ceremony, etc.

Anxiety is something that everyone has to deal with on some level. It will never go away so the best thing to do is learn to love it. If you spend your life trying to avoid doing things that cause anxiety then you are restricting your personal growth and hindering your chances for life changing opportunities and experiences. Go forth into the night, my friends.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for anxiety." Unless you suffer from an extreme case of Social Anxiety Disorder in which case you must say "I don't know how I could ever be thankful for anxiety when I can't answer the phone without sweating. The only thing I fear more than human interaction is palindromes. I just don't have the stomach for them" "God, a red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!" Crazy.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

2010-03-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

Daily Thanks - Day 51 - Dates

2010-03-24T08:28:00.002-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dates.

Whether you're sharing an intimate evening with a significant other, feeling out a new candidate for possible courtship, or simply sharing a cheese platter with your platonic friend whom will never abide to your fantasies of carnal pleasure, dates can be a beautiful, deep dish slice of life.

The company. The ambiance. The timeless, warm decor of your favorite smokehouse - all of the accoutrements of a perfect date night. Sure, from time to time we can get a few butterflies in our baskets, but what's life without the occasional line drive at our nerves. Just remember to be polite, be yourself, listen, don't bring up sex toys before appetizers, and don't flirt with your server. At least, not too much.... Follow these guidelines and you've got the bulk of the ingredients needed for a fantastic date, and for that you should be thankful.

Some situations that you can experience while on a date may include: giggling like a schoolgirl, wondering if there is something in your teeth, showing off your juggling skills, wishing that alcohol wasn't so expensive, drinking great amounts of alcohol in an attempt to forget about how expensive it is, watching a scary movie, being super excited about a cuddle initiation, finding out that your date is married, questioning your morals, starting to feel like you've been setup, thinking that becoming a double agent was a risky idea, making cookies, having an amazing time, etc.

When talking about dates there is one thing that always comes to mind. The goodnight kiss. When is it going to happen? Will it happen at all? Is a boob grab inappropriate? The answers are always going to be - Don't know, Don't know, and...... follow your instincts. The best thing to remember is that, chances are, your date is thinking about it as well, and unless the night was a total disaster or if one of you has recently vomited then I would say go ahead and lunge! Then top it off with a smooth line like "mmmm just like your sister."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dates." Unless you feel that dating is for pathetic pea-brains in a hopeless search for love in which case you must say "You people are all just sick masochists. Don't you see what love and relationships do to people? It's a path to self destruction! God I really hate that Hugh Grant."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 50 - Comebacks

2010-03-24T08:28:00.001-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for comebacks.

When I say "comeback", I am not referring to a witty retort to an insult starting with "Yea, well the Jerk Store called....". What I am referring to is the act of a magnificent return or revitalization.

In America we have a sick tendency to almost root for the failure of people at the top. We see a subject of great stature starting a slow downward spiral and we fuel that fire like a group of boiler room workers on the Titanic. However, one thing that we love more than watching someone or somethings demise is watching it's glorious comeback. It gives us joy to root for something, and it makes us feel good when there is hope for a second chance.

Some things that I would like to see make a comeback include: Discos, afros, pogs, Jeremy Piven's receding hairline, PG movies that have a surprising amount of foul language, Kris Kross, $5.00 movie tickets, rollerblading, Sifl & Olly, Pauly Shore, the Wayans Bros, using the word "Not!" penny loafers, my ability to drink without getting hangovers, etc.

Some things that I would NOT like to see make a comeback include: Jnco jeans, The Verve Pipe, Sex and the City (just stop already), parachute pants, "Wassssuuuuup!", Homeboys in Outer Space, Surge, god awful sequels, big hair, my pubescent inability to control my erections, etc.

We may live in a world that is littered with "has beens" and "never will bes", but we also happen to live in a world with a handful of "Kotters" waiting to be told "Welcome back!" When it comes to comebacks it's hard to make predictions, but they are as sure to happen as an M. Night twist. So, keep a look out, because something from your past is preparing to pounce you like a lion in heat.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for comebacks." Unless you have been awaiting your comeback for so long that hope is but a grain of sand on a horizonless beach in which case you must say "Why Keanu?! I don't understand! It was Bill and Ted! Not Ted and Bill! What about ME?!?! What about Bill!!!.... The Matrix is stupid anyway. There's no way that those sunglasses would stay on their faces throughout all of that."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 49 - Wheels

2010-03-16T08:43:00.001-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for wheels.

For many people, it is easy to simply step over the brilliance of the invention of the wheel much like it was a drunk bum in front of your local Cold Stone Creamery. However, as simple as it may seem, we all know that hindsight is 20/20. The invention of the wheel was like a riddle that someone asks you that has the most simple and obvious answer, yet you dig down to the most cavernous depths of your mind in search of a solution to no avail. Then when you hear the answer you say to yourself "wow I'm stupid".

It was so unobvious, in fact, that human beings roamed the earth for nearly 150,000 years before the wheel came to fruition in any form. Even then it was thousands and thousands of years before the wheel was ever properly developed in the use of transportation. Then there was the undying evolution of the wheel from using stone, to wood, to using axles, the spoked wheel, the use of metals, the steel rim, the tire, etc. It went on and on and to this day we still find new ways to improve these whirling wonders. So while you may feel that the wheel aint no big deal, then riddle me this - I make things float like a butterfly, and I look like a plate. Things are much easier when I begin to gyrate. You can find me on a car. You can find me on a truck. If it wasn't for me I think you'd all be fucked. What am I?

Some situations in which the use of wheels is present can include: competing in a pinewood derby, getting a drive-thru chili dog, graciously rolling in your computer chair from one desk to another to grab a file, driving to the hospital after getting too careless with your computer chair maneuvers, rollerblading, skateboarding, unicycling, street luging, steering a boat, buying a vowel, grocery shopping, mowing a lawn, taking a hayride, synchronized segway dancing, etc.

In the words of Paul McCartney, "I can't tell you how I feel. My heart is like a wheel. Let me roll it to you." Let me roll it to you indeed! Paul knows that wheels, even when used metaphorically, make things easier. And if you can't trust a "Beatle", then I don't know who to trust anymore. That's why I bow down and give it up for the blessing of our own perfect circle.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for wheels." Unless continuous circular motion makes you nervous in which case you must say " I don't trust anything that has no end. Circle or not. I don't even like this whole "bottomless coffee" thing. It's just sick. I like coffee just fine, but come on folks let's set a limit."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 48 - Adventures

2010-03-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for adventures.

A great Captain, who had a hook for a hand as a result of a pesky flying boy and a hungry crocodile, once said "Death is the only great adventure I have left." There is sadness and beauty in this expression of the high seas. You may think that these are the woeful words of a withering old swashbuckler, but it's really just a falsely bleak declaration of a man who has seen and done it all - women, travel, top notch education, victory, defeat, hostile takeover, money, murder, danger, success.... Adventure!!

The power and brilliance of adventure comes from it's uncertainty. One of the main laws of adventure seeking is being willing to accept an undetermined outcome. It is a game of risk, and that is what makes it appealing and frightening. Fear, being our most primal emotion, has as much affect on our bodies as it does our minds. In a moment of fear our bodies produce extraordinary amounts of adrenaline and our heart rate rises. This reaction can cause the enhancement of certain senses while dulling others. Maybe we virtually lose our hearing and momentarily develop super sight enabling us to slow down our perception of the world around us and move like a cheetah. It happens... and it happens during adventures.

Some adventures that you may experience in your lifetime, should you choose to do so, may include: searching for buried treasure, seeking revenge on the men who killed your wife and cat, having sex in a movie theater, saving the lost ark from the hands of nazis, taking a stab at the rubik's cube, taking a stab at stabbing someone who's trying to stab you in a stable, walking a tightrope between the twin towers, swimming with sharks, swimming with lions, swimming with Emilio Estevez, starting up a pajama company, building your own go kart, telling someone that you love them...... in the rain...... while you both have guns pointed at each other, etc.

The time to take action is upon us, my friends. It is time to spin in circles in the middle of the road in your quaint fishing town while screaming "What are you waiting for!!!?? What are you waiting fooooorrrr??!!" Yea? So smash open that piggy bank, pack some PB&J's and take that adventure that's been prodding at your mind like a little fat boy with a stick who's just found a dead body in the marsh. It's never too late!..... Unless it's after dark. Then you should probably just sleep on it. It's dangerous out there.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for adventures." Unless you simply can't go on adventures due to your dog, Coatsy, and your cat, Mitten, in which case you should say "Who went poopoo on the card table??!! Was that you Mitten? It must have been! No way Coatsy could get up there. Bad! That's a bad Mitten! Bad Mitten! haha....... Badminton.......... shuttle cock."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 47 - Parties

2010-03-08T04:02:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for parties.

Ooooohhhhh snap dragon. Today we are talking about parties, and unless you are a pusillanimous shut-in with an action figure collection of unmatched proportions, then the chances are that you too are thankful for parties.

When you have an insurmountable hunger for nocturnal exploits, nothing is as metaphorically hearty as a party. It is an experience that we naturally pine for. From playing that newly acquired song in your itunes while getting ready and doing your "mirror poses", to drinking tequila even though you said you wouldn't, to arriving home much too late for your own good, to waking up hungover and breaking for that glass of ice water that may as well have been sent from angels..... everything is a crucial ingredient in properly treating our kicking and screaming party bug. What can I say? I'm a clown, and parties are my rodeo.

Some situations that you can experience while attending a party may include: taking a shot with someone you haven't seen since high school, having a conversation about how awesome Madonna is, being profoundly mesmerized by a jam session consisting of drunk people making instruments out of kitchen appliances, finally realizing what the phrase "a stupid is as stupid does" actually means, looking for a friend who got the hiccups and then disappeared, finding deep appreciation for gatherings with "open bar", saying to someone "we really need to hang out more. I miss you.", getting into an impromptu freestyle battle or beatbox session, drunkenly making out with someone while thinking to yourself "man, I really have to pee, but if I tell them that will it totally ruin the moment? Will they even be here when I get back? Did I just drink a beer that had a cigarette butt in it?", etc.

Going to a party is kind of like going to church. You go to drink, to sing, to listen to stories, it's just as much about social obligation as anything else, and slap me and call me sally if there isn't a legion of people out there that consider beer a religion. I don't want to go too far with these beliefs, but all I'm saying is that in the church of the heavy clam bake..... call me pastor, and this is my sermon.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for parties." Unless you have extreme social anxiety and cannot handle the party scene in which case you must say "and I told bill...be.. because they moved my desk 4 times and I used to be over by the window and I could see the squirrels and they were married....but I kept my stapler, and... and if they take my stapler again then... then I.. I'm gonna set the building on fire."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 46 - Orgasms

2010-02-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for orgasms.

I don't think it's too much of a secret that people are thankful for orgasms. We have all had them, hopefully.... and we all enjoy them. But what do we really know about these sensational soirees of sexual stimulation? If an alien being asked you what an orgasm was would you have an answer? "Uhhh, it's like.... this awesome thing....". That explanation is about as useful as nipples on a man.

The reason that you may have a hard time verbalizing the details of an orgasm is mostly due to the fact that an orgasm is truly a difficult thing to define. We can say that it is a series of pleasurable muscle contractions, but that is merely pertaining to the physiological properties when there are also psychological, endocrinological, and neurological factors that come into play. Especially in women. In a way, an orgasm is beautifully undefinable. It's like a little fairy that flies through our bodies plucking our pleasure strings, and I am expressing gratitude.

Some situations that can lead you to have an orgasm may include: having sex with another human, having sex with a wax sculpture of Sheryl Crow, masturbating in a dark corner, getting a vigorous lap dance, sitting on a washing machine or dryer, having a "nocturnal emission", eating a really good waffle, taking ecstasy and going to a Beck concert, getting a phone call, and........... sneezing...... no lie. It can happen. Google it.

I find it interesting to think about the time of my life that predated my first orgasm. What was I doing with myself? I think the most exciting things in my life then were ninja weapons and cookie cake. Not to speak badly about either of those things, but compared to orgasmic release they are simply moot. That being said, I encourage you all to go out and have yourself an orgasm. Just don't do it on the bus. That is frowned upon.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for orgasms". Unless you have somehow made it this far in life without achieving climax in which case you must say "I think I've had one...... how do you know? Is it really better than cookie cake?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 45 - Magic

2010-02-26T04:23:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for magic.

Much like the human race, there are many different kinds of magic. There is White Magic, Black Magic, Magic Mushrooms, Magic Bullet, Magic Johnson, Magic 8-ball, Wicca, Witchcraft, Sorcery, Wizardry, etc. The possibilities are boundless in this art of the arguably sinful society of seance.

"But what is it really?", the people ask. Is it evil? Is it dangerous? Can it make your penis larger? As long as this force is around and talked about there will be questions about it and I may not have every answer you are looking for, but what I can do is remove my hat and sunglasses and pay my respect to this whimsical wonder of many shapes and sizes. So back to the question of "But what is it really?" My only answer for you is...... Oh Oh Oh it's magic! Ya knooooooooow.

Some situations in which you may choose to use magic can include: bringing a little girl's dead rabbit back to life, stealing peoples watches, levitating through an aromatics shop, casting spells on your crush, spying on said crush in the shower, making yourself more tan, finding someone's card, impressing children, impressing drunk people, not impressing the guy interviewing you for a job, giving a girl an orgasm, saving fern gully, etc.

In the words of Doris Day... "When we walk hand-in-hand, the world becomes a wonderland. It's magic. How else can I explain, those rainbows when there isn't rain? It's magic." Ahhh Yes. Magic can also be used to describe a feeling, such as a first kiss, or a successful ring toss rewarding you with a giant stuffed sea otter. I like the phrase "There was magic in the air." It gives you hope that sometimes things will happen for a reason and it will pay off in a beautiful way. Magic can be a blessing, but just make sure that you do not abuse the power of magic or else it will get all kinds of Salem Witch Trial up in this bitch.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for magic." Unless you have fallen victim to a crazy witchcraft practicing ex who cast a spell on you causing you to experience graphic tourette's while attending dinner parties in which case you must say "Can someone please pass the COCK! NIPPLES! pass the NIPPLES!....... sorry...... I just really.... If you could just pass the COCK!... on my NIPPLES!.........can I be excused?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 44 - Travel

2010-02-19T09:25:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for travel.

Whether you are whisking away to the tropics in pursuit of straw furnishing cocktails and a little R n' R or simply grabbing that stowed away wad of cash and getting the hell out of dodge, travel is the experience above all experiences.

We use travel as a way of escape. To get away from the daily grind, or to avoid a stab wound from the man who caught you naked with his wife and daughter snorting coke lines off of their loins. It is our ultimate excuse to unwind. To let our guards down. To throw caution to the wind. To LIVE damnit!! It is something that we always want to be memorable, and it usually finds a way to do just that.

Some things that you can experience while traveling may include: watching the sunrise on a beach, watching the sunset upon a mountain top, watching your son set a hotel room on fire, having an educational "plane" conversation about the difference between Japan and China (the robes?), tasting foods that you never knew existed, vomiting up foods that you never knew existed, hitting on someone whom does not speak your language, feeling a strong desire to learn another language, feeling somewhat guilty and belittled by the fact that everyone on the planet seems to know at least a little english, being mistaken for a celebrity and signing an autograph, being drunk and getting way too into a street musical performance, conquering fears, having an all around awesome time!, etc.

Interestingly, the whole concept of "vacation" is a relatively new thing. In the late 19th century vacations were only taken by teachers and students who took time to "vacate" the school premises, and by people of the elite in which cases vacations were most likely to be the result of a medical issue. However, even then, these vacations did not necessarily pertain to the act of traveling. We have been blessed with many things as people of this generation, and recreational travel is one of them. Cupcakes are another.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for travel." Unless you are a sufferer of severe hodophobia (fear of travel) in which case you must say "Nah you guys go ahead, I'm just gonna stay here. You have fun, though. No I really can't.... I gotta get my haircut anyway..... and someone really should stay here....... to uh....... exercise the gaskets so the pipes don't freeze up...... yes I realize that it's April, but we've had some chilly nights. It's just that unpredictable time of year for weather......... (coughs) totally getting sick as well......... No I will not unlock the door....."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in says to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 43 - Pairings

2010-02-16T09:14:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pairings.

In the words of Aimee Mann "One is the loneliest number". Shocking? No.... but profound?....... Also no....... but it certainly is accurate and that's all that matters. When it comes down to it, where would salt be without pepper? Honey without nut? oxford polos without chinos? Sifl without Olly? breasts without nipples? They would all be rendered useless. Some things were meant to be completed by a counterpart and I am thankful for all of these lonesome doves finding their match.

Some common pairings that always seem to find each other include: strawberries and chocolate, peaches and cream, guns and roses, penises and vaginas, naked drunk girls and cameras, marijuana and video games, biscuits and gravy, mike tyson and hookers, tequila and bad decisions, iced over driveways and makeshift cardboard box luges, friends recently released from prison and poorly planned schemes involving an ex girlfriends stepfathers fraudulent investment agency and a supposedly legit wildlife preservation in South America, etc.

In a world filled with so many mysteries and unanswered questions, I'm glad to know that some things just seem to find each other with the greatest of ease. The next time you think that something is wonderful on it's own, I suggest extending your hand to the possibility of a perfect pairing. It could be out there, and when found, it's divine. Just look at what happened when poor Art Garfunkel was no longer part of the duo Simon & Garfunkel. Sure Paul did ok, but it was still not the same, and Art..... jesus. What a disaster. He may have had a couple of decent songs there, but for the most part it was an overly breezy easy listening nightmare that made Kenny G look like Sid Vicious.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pairings". Unless you are a strong believer in the Lone Ranger and think that pairing just shows weakness in which case you must say "The only pair that I need in life is me and my shotgun....... and whisky...... So I guess that's more of a triad..... like I said...... the only pairs I like...... are bartlett."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 42 - Espionage

2010-02-01T06:21:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for espionage.

Timothy Dalton. Sean Connery. Pierce Brosnan. What do they all have in common? believe it or not, not much. Their birth dates span over a 23 year period and they all hail from different countries. Regardless, they are all actors who have managed to portray the same character of "James Bond", and James Bond is awesome.

James Bond, and many other characters alike, have been the vehicles that guide us through the world of espionage or, in other words, being a spy. Over the years, espionage has become something that is synonymous with words like suave, cultured, worldly, badass, awesome, sex, gadget, shaken not stirred, helicopter explosion, etc. It's a lifestyle that sends the message of "I may be a full blown misogynistic alpha male with a sweet tan and a shiny gun who can, from time to time, be known to "slap a bitch", but I do it with class and I also happen to save the world on a daily basis so I pretty much have a free pass through all walks of life." Espionage is a titillating facet of the human experience and we should all sing it's praise.

Some situations you can find yourself in when delving into the realm of espionage may include: firing missiles from a speeding aston martin, wearing a dastardly dapper tailored suit, engaging in sexual activities considered illegal in certain places with multiple partners who may or may not be trying to kill you, repelling down the side of a blimp, strangling a gaggle of large men to death, getting a mani-pedi, flirting with money-penny, eating some manicotti, having a way with words that is only matched by your way with weapons, etc.

Being a spy is a job held clandestinely for the coolest, most cunning cats on the corner. If we all could, then maybe we would, but for the most part we just don't have what it takes. This is the reason that we enjoy it so much. We can enjoy it from the confines of our own home through a book, film, tv show, or elaborate porno flick alongside our favorite lager and a piece of meat. If we really want to, we can go down to the local spy store and blow our latest pay check on some kick ass gear that we can use to spy on the hotties across the hall. If you get caught, just tell them that they are in danger, offer them a drink, dim the lights, and make sweet love to yourself after they leave.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for espionage". Unless the thrill of adventure frightens you in which case you must say "You wanna talk about adventure? Last Tuesday I wore one black sock and one blue. I was so scared that someone would see. Talk about a rush...... Ok Ally McBeal is starting."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 41 - Drug Deal

2010-01-31T08:00:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not participating in a drug deal.

As much as I enjoy having my life threatened by the act of chainsaw mutilation, I just assume not hitch my wagon to that star. Of course, we all know that buying drugs can sometimes be as easy as "Hey Steve, I fancy a bag of pot. Groovy. See you at the disco tonight", but these are not the kinds of exchanges that I care to address today.

I can get a little anxious when a waitress is standing over me and I haven't decided what to order yet. I can't imagine the tidal wave of panic I would endure when combing through a million dollars worth of blow while some scofflaw named Esteban tickles my ear with the barrel of an assault rifle. This is a path in life that I have chosen not to follow. I enjoy a good caper as much as anyone else, but I am thankful that I don't face the chance of death and imprisonment on a daily basis. At least, I don't consciously FURTHER my chances...

Some situations can lead you into participating in a high profile drug deal may include: being a high profile drug dealer, stocking up for a weekend getaway in vegas, proving yourself to the "capo", being an undercover cop, being a corrupt cop, being a schizophrenic retired cop, being courtney love's personal assistant, looking to make your one big score then skip town with your new peach flavored hooker girlfriend named Alabama, etc.

Drug deals are more "sketch" filled than a trash bin in a Life Drawing class. I don't care what the circumstances are, there is always a chance that something will go awry and when that happens.... people get angry and grown men get neutered. I don't know about you, but if I can get through my life without jeopardizing the safety and intactness of my testicles then as far as I'm concerned.. life is peachy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not participating in a drug deal". Unless you are, in fact, participating in a drug deal in which case you must say "Before I give you the money who want's to see a magic trick? You're gonna love this. Ok I'm gonna need a volunteer...... who here has a briefcase full of cocaine?...... Don't worry about what I'm gonna do with it."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 40 - Competition

2010-01-30T09:47:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for competition.

Bathed in the delicate flicker of candlelight, Daniel Plainview delivers the line "I have a competition in me..... I want no one else to succeed...... I hate most people." This is what I bellow into the skies each morning as I sacrifice a goat and wallow in it's blood. It helps me keep my wits about everything and assures that I remain driven. Win or go home, gentlemen!

Ok so maybe winning isn't everything, but it's definitely something. If we weren't living in a society filled with people who strive to be better than the next, then we would just be a bunch of inbreds burning witches and performing surgery with large rocks. I, for one, have not burned a witch in years. At least not for religious reasons....... and for this blessing I say take 2 doses of thanks and call me in the morning.

Some situations that can lead you into the heat of competition may include: a pick up game of touch football, dying easter eggs, discussing film trivia, going after the same girl, going after the same guy, name dropping, balancing on a chain, chicken fighting, comparing fingernail cleanliness and upkeep, saving your ski resort from a greedy developer, being told that you play ball like a GIRL!, etc.

Competitiveness forces us to keep our minds and bodies limber, and we don't always have to be competing against someone else. We can compete with ourselves. Ever play yourself in basketball? It's great. You always win. Yet... you also always lose. It's bittersweet. Kind of like banging a celebrity on a public bathroom floor.... but one thing will always remain true. Competition is a requisite in life, it is essential to human progression, and if we stick together then we will someday overtake all of these witches that damn our harvest.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for competition". Unless you are the type of person who is going to be a big sore loser if you don't win in which case you must say "Doesn't count! The timer was up! You change that fucking card or I will kill your mother and sodomize your father! TEST ME!" Jesus, Barry. You're playing Scattergories against a 7 year old.... put down the cleaver you baboon.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 39 - Pranks

2010-01-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pranks.

There are moments we tend to feel that our lives can be a long dull path into an imminent stalemate. When will this day end? When will they call back? When will this rash dwindle? When these feelings are upon us it is sometimes appropriate to seek enjoyment and excitement at the expense of others. That's right. Pranks. High jinks. Shenanigans.... But if you are to partake in the world of pranking just remember 3 things.

1. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.
2. Do them out of jest and playfulness.
3. Rape is not a prank.

Some classic pranks that you can perform may include: the taped down sink sprayer, the cup of water over the doorway, the flour in the hair dryer, the saran wrap over the toilet seat, the embezzlement of your boss's money, the adultery, the tying one's shoelaces together while they're sitting, the removing of a subject's chair from behind them as they stand, and who can forget the trusty ol' "roofie in the drink". The girls love that one.

The desire for mischievousness is just a part of being a human. Who are we to fight our natural urges? So get out there and have some fun with a prank or two, but try not to let it get too out of hand. If it does... just remember that the best way to clean blood is hydrogen peroxide and COLD water. Do not use any warm water on tainted surfaces until all blood has been sufficiently diluted.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pranks". Unless you have recently fallen victim to a horrible prank leaving your body and/or soul in a state of dilapidation in which case you must say "Although I am covered in burn scars and have a crushed larynx, I must say.... you got me, man. You got me. If I could.... I would laugh...... and then stab you."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 38 - Reality Television

2010-01-27T09:43:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for reality television.

Humans are truly an interesting species. Who would've thought that after coming so far and progressing so much in the art of entertainment, all we really wanted to do was watch ourselves. If Freud was alive today I think that he would be a reality television producer. The whole experience to him would be like a free rein theme park of psychoanalysis. The "id" working at it's highest potential! For the participants and the viewer.....

Being an avid film lover, I have always been one to turn my nose up at reality television. However, as I got older I learned to separate these shows from any category of creative expression. I also learned to avoid calling it mindless entertainment that would contribute to an inevitable decline in the human brain developmental process. I now find it to be sincerely educational. Who would've thought that putting a neurotic cowboy, a rapper, and a gay filipino dancer in a space ship with 3 sluts, a case of rum and a brick of cocaine would be a recipe for conflict and situational humor. I sure didn't.... but thanks for showing me the light.

Some situations that you can witness on a reality television show may include: drunken hot tub makeout sessions, drunken brawling, drunken sex while completely hidden under the covers in some sort of attempt at being inconspicuous while muttering "I can't believe I'm doing this", people crushing on each other, people hating on each other, some extremely haggard "morning after" faces, too many strategically placed commercial breaks, seeing yourself fall into a depressing catatonic state of obsession with the lives of others, etc.

Reality television is like the losing of your virginity. It's messy, rudimentary, and can leave you feeling ashamed, but you usually come out of it having learned something. If there is one thing that I have learned from recent mega-hit reality show "Jersey Shore", it's that the only thing better than filling a house with a handful of people that are all completely different, it's filling a house with a handful of people that are all exactly the same. I have also learned quite a bit about hair and tan maintenance and the art of "fist pumping". Thanks guys.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for reality television". Unless you have had your life ruined as a result of being on a reality show in which case you must say "fuck the guy that convinced me that being on reality tv would give me a prosperous future. Jesus, and I blew him...... I knew I should've stayed in nursing school. At least I've got my new edgy love ballad album coming out entitled "You think you know me, bitch?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 37 - Revenge

2010-01-26T10:29:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for Revenge.

Revenge. The most powerful motive and a common root to some of the greatest stories ever told. Even though the need to seek out revenge is most likely the result of a numbingly tragic event, we tend to thoroughly enjoy the temporary or permanent insanity that the revenge inflictor endures. We respect their passion, fearlessness, and overall lack of concern for their own life.

Of course, I tend to get a little ahead of myself. Not all tales of revenge have to be of epic proportion and life threatening. Some can be more on a level of what I like to call "playful retaliation". Example: A roommate happens to take your sandwich without asking. That's a low blow, snacky joe. As a result I may seek vengeance by hiring a male prostitute to bust into his work and cause a scene while screaming "You gave me herpes you slut!" That tends to get the message across fairly well. Revenge can be a beautiful thing if carried out with grace and dignity, and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations that can cause you to seek revenge may include: Being cut in front of in a line, having your family brutally murdered by a ruthless villain, falling victim to identity theft, being deliberately "cock-blocked", having your modest yet charming and loved business threatened by an evil conglomerate, being told that the movie "Be Cool" is "worth a watch", having a stripper refuse to give you change for a dollar, etc.

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. I have always liked that saying. The message that it is trying to give is that as a victim of wrong doing you are temporarily given the permission to break down societal barriers, cast your morals aside and lash out in a ruthless whirlwind. But think about this... What are some of the common dishes that are served cold? ice cream, potato soup, yogurt parfait, cereal, jello..... what do they all have in common? They are all eaten with a spoon, which means that the recipient of the dish is at their most helpless state of defense. Ah hah! From this I conclude that if you are to seek revenge, maybe it doesn't mean that serving it cold means to serve it ruthlessly and carelessly. Maybe it means to serve it strategically in a way that the target of revenge is at their weakest position and face an inevitable peril. Wuah ha haha hahahaha!

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for revenge". Unless right now you are expecting to have revenge taken upon you in which case you must say "I'll have the toughest piece of meat you got. Steaming hot! with a side of.... clay pigeons. Yeeeeaaa." Think about it.......

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 36 - Showers

2010-01-25T07:48:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for showers.

Taking a shower is one activity that is clearly unmatched. I sometimes feel that I absolutely live for these glorious geysers of rejuvenation. Every time you bless your body with a shower it is like a new beginning. A clean slate. It doesn't matter what happened beforehand for a shower is total reaffirmation.

I remember as a child I would sometimes complain about having to take a shower. I can't, for the life of me, remember why. I think it is very interesting that kids tend to complain about having to shower, eat and go to sleep, but as adults these become our favorite activities. "It's like raaayyyeeeaaaiiin on your wedding day!" Reference gotten? good. No matter how bad things get we will always have showers to wash our worries away like an angelic avalanche surging from our own personal portal, and for this we shall rejoice.

Some situations that can lead you to take a shower may include: playing flag football, committing a bloody murder, having sex, continuing having sex, losing an egg toss, procrastinating, simply wanting to warm up, using a gas station bathroom, watching 2 girls 1 cup, looking for a place to cry in a gripping drama on the Lifetime channel, getting beaned by a giant ball of oil la la la, etc.

What is it about warm falling water that soothes us like a puppy at its mothers nipple? Sometimes I actually laugh in psychotic happiness when I get in the shower. It's just so good..... I don't understand how someone can go a day without showering. That does not compute with me. I need at least 1 shower a day to function. There is a magical power that comes from a shower, and I'm drawn to it like a bee to a flower. I'd like to take one every hour. Oh shower.... my dear shower.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for showers". Unless you are somewhat of a dirty hippie and like to avoid showering in which case you must say "I may not take showers..... but I uhh..... I fuckin...... ummm...haha.... what?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 35 - Lost Wallet

2010-01-23T17:33:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that my wallet is not lost.

Nothing brings on that overwhelming feeling of sudden hysteria quite like the moment in which you realize you may have lost your wallet. It is like someone has briskly removed your aorta and hidden it from you as you scramble around feeling your body slip into lifelessness. Your drivers license, your credit cards, your cash, your "one hole punch away from a free sandwich" deli card, your treasured locks of hair from the girl you have been stalking.... All gone!! It is a helpless and soul strangling experience and I feel that, today, food will taste better and air will feel fresher knowing that my wallet is perfectly safe and sound as a pound.

Some situations that can cause you to lose your wallet may include: being a tourist in Europe, being a sufferer of narcolepsy, getting into a spontaneous wrestling match in the woods at night, jumping on trampolines, having one night stands, keg stands, hand stands, sitting in the stands, having a dance off, essentially anything involving excessive alcohol consumption, etc.

Our wallets are something that we tend to take for granted until they are gone, and if you happen to find that missing wallet you will become bestrewn with a feeling somewhat comparable to orgasmic release. You suddenly feel the need for a cigarette, a glass of water, and a nap. It is a feeling that is so great that it's almost worth the losing of the wallet just to experience the moment that you find it. However, I say we just give our thanks, appreciate what we have, and promise that we'll never let go. I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that my wallet is not lost". Unless you have in fact lost your wallet in which case you must say "The first number I pull off of a girl in months and I put it in my wallet and then lose it.... Why would she even write it down on paper in the first place when clearly we both have cellphones? Who does that anymore? What is it the 1800's? It doesn't make sense! Why don't we just wear top hats and monocles and listen to a fucking gramophone while we're at it!" Actually, that sounds like a lot of fun. Where does one get a gramophone these days?

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 34 - Torture

2010-01-23T17:32:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured.

"God this meeting is torture." "This blind date is torture." "Every day at this job is absolute fucking torture!" Bullshit! I don't think anything less than torture itself can be compared to torture. We all have our problems, and yes there are times where I have said "I would rather take a steel mallet to the mouth than have to deal with this any longer", and I most likely meant it, but a quick devastating blow certainly does not, literally, "pack the same punch" as being tortured. Therefore, I'm gonna go ahead and sing a snippet of zippity-do-da in celebration of currently being an unrestrained free human with no jumper cables hooked up to my testicles. Beautiful.

Some situations that may cause you to be tortured include: being a prisoner of war, being a prisoner of Gwar, being an evil child's pet hamster, sharing a Hostel room with slutty Eastern-European women, being "stuck in the middle with" Mr. Blonde, taking a wrong turn when going camping, being savagely siphoned for information regarding Calvin Klein's upcoming spring collection, etc.

Sure our lives can be grueling. Long days and sleepless nights.... but I urge you to take solace in the fact that, at the end of the day, the only person taking tools of torture to us is our kinky friend, Ivanka, who makes you squeal for an absolute steal. Especially on 2 for 1 Wednesdays.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured." Unless you are a masochist and derive great sexual pleasure from ruthless torture in which case you must say "No please don't stop writing! Just reading this has got my nipples buzzing like a bumble bee on a sunflower."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 33 - Pretending

2010-01-05T10:50:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pretending.

Where would we be without the wondrous and magical kingdom of pretend? Can you imagine? No Werewolves........ no Santa Claus........ no Jesus.... It seems to me like it would be a cold, dark chasm of catatonia, and I am graced with a little bit of pleasure for good measure knowing that at any time during my day I can pick up my pen and pretend that it is a magical spear with the power of 11 strong ponies. I mean, who is going to stop me... maybe the evil, fire breathing koala gnome of Kalgoria, a.k.a Brad from H.R? Never!

Pretending is an important part in shaping the human brain and helping us to interpret the world as we see fit. It is an outlet for creativity and exploration and it should be utilized more commonly by the average adult. So, have a little fun today. Be a Jedi, build a fort, hunt and attack your burrito before you eat it... When it comes to pretending, the possibilities are truly endless and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations in which you may use the art of pretending include: fighting off demons with your nephew, getting through a given area without touching the ground because the ground is "lava", faking an orgasm, fighting off ninja warriors, acting sad when being told that your shitty boss died, using bunk beds as a pirate ship, an elaborate role play with your lover in which you arrange a meeting at a bowling alley and pretend that you don't know each other then going to get a hotel room for wild sex, etc.

I did so much pretending as a child that I had a hard time distinguishing between reality and fantasy. This was mostly due to the fact that I thought my name was "Pretend". My sister was constantly wanting to pretend and would do things like hand me a stick and say to me "Pretend this is a sword", and I would be a little confused because I was like "I think it's a stick, but ok." It got kind of scary sometimes...."Pretend you are dying". "I'm what?!?!?". Eventually we cleared up all the muck and I was able to embrace the world of pretend with much enthusiasm. After that I couldn't get from my bedroom to the bathroom without dodging explosives and slaying dragons.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pretending". Unless you are one of these people that thinks that they can make millions by reading a book called "Get Rich in 30 Days" in which case you must say "I clearly am already living in a fantasy world."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 32 - Dancing

2009-12-30T07:53:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dancing.

I don't know about most of you, but when I was in high school, if I hadn't been such a mind-blowingly gifted athlete awaiting football and basketball scholarships from Stanford as well as a plethora of ivy league schools, I probably would have pursued dancing.

I don't care if I'm dancing with myself, dancing in the dark, dancing this mess around, dirty dancing, or simply, as you crazy kids say these days, shakin' my milkshake...... chances are I'm having a better time than Polanski at a Pre-school. Life can be stressful, and that stress can sometimes be the culprit of an impending monkey fist in your neck. When this happens, it's time to let that hair down and dance it out, bitch.

Some situations that can lead you to dance may include: being on a lovely date, having ants in your pants, getting wasted at a wedding, getting wasted at a party, getting wasted in a pharmacy, listening to En Vogue while showering, scoring a winning touchdown (no stranger to that!), being a stripper, being friends with Danny Zuko, etc.

So many great songs have lyrics about dancing. Of course, a lot of people may argue that a lot of these songs are actually using dancing as a metaphor for sex.... let's take the song "Let's Pretend We're Married" by "Prince". In this song there are lines such as "I won't stop until the mornin' light. Let's pretend we're married and go all night." Now, it's pretty hard to convince someone that this song is talking only about dancing, but for the sake of radio play and children's ears, this is what people attempted to perceive this as. What you may not remember from the "radio" version of this song is that there is also the line "I sincerely wanna fuck the taste outta your mouth". Good luck trying to redirect the meaning of that one. The point is, the dance floor is a centriole of joy and when you have "libated" yourself enough to partake in this transcending experience, you will be forever thankful.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dancing." Unless you are still feeling a little timid and shy about getting out on that dance floor in which case you must say "Pssh, shit is stupid anyway...... dancing....... doesn't even look like fun............. jesus that girl is really grinding up against that guy's penis region........... is she taking her top off??.......... 2 tequilla shots and a pair of Capezios please!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 31 - Ninjas

2009-12-29T09:49:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for Ninjas.

I was struck by quite the moment of hesitance when approaching this as a topic to share my thoughts on. Ninjas, or people who study the art of Ninjutsu, or known to some as the Shinobi, are a group that constantly falls victim to satirical and parodical forms of portrayal, and these days can seem to be a subject matter that has been capitalized on to a point of exhaustion. Even so, the word "Ninja" has been a part of my vocabulary since I was old enough to crawl across a dojo, and I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm not gonna put in my 2 cents.

Stealth; Honor; Discipline; Swordsmanship; Deadly; Awesome; Turtle. These are all words we think of when we hear the word "Ninja". It is a lifestyle that essentially no one has the patience to pursue, yet so many of us wish that we did. However, as much as we certainly do not possess the ideal characteristics of a Ninja, it does not mean that we cannot use some of the lessons that they have taught us. Whether you are crouching behind a car in a dark parking lot in an attempt to vanish, taking a karate stance in a drunken attempt at intimidation, or throwing a drink coaster like it was a Ninja star, you are harnessing the power of the Ninja, and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations in which the art of Ninjutsu may come in handy include: being aggressively surrounded by a group of katana wielding assassins, needing to transfer yourself from one building to another through the use of a grappling hook, being caught with another woman, getting back incorrect change from an incompetent cashier, battling with "girl" issues, having a backflip competition with your friends, playing hide and seek, dealing with the fact that everyone else gets to have a gun and you don't, etc.

In a world where evil doers run rampant, it's good to know that maybe somewhere there is a Ninja doing their exercises in a room where light is only provided by the glow of a thousand candles, and maybe, just maybe, he or she is about to embark on a multi-weaponed Ninja assassination rampage in which there will be many smoke bombs, backflips, neck breaking, Ninja star throwing, nunchuck chucking, and plenty of moonlit rooftop action. For this...... we can only hope. We can also only hope for the fact that said Ninja has a facebook page and is willing to keep us all informed of these missions through the use of photo albums and status updates.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for Ninjas". Unless you are a "bad guy" in which case you must say "Boy I sure am glad that nobody actually has the balls to be a Ninja assassin vigilante these days, but I'm still gonna keep my ass out of the shadows. Not just because of the Ninjas... I also happen to be afraid of leprechauns, killer ginger dolls, gremlins, and the thought of seeing a teletubby in the dark makes my testicles shrivel up like grapes in an industrial dehydrator."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 30 - Vomiting

2009-12-15T07:16:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today i am thankful that I am not vomiting.

We all know the feeling. The malaise. The hopelessness. The utter unpleasantness. The miasmal presence of all things unholy and wrong. It truly is a full-on exorcism..... except for the shouting of lines like "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" Actually, who am I to say what you may or may not scream while ejecting your stomach matter? The point is, vomiting sucks something serious and when compared to projectile puking into your porcelain prince, most things seem pretty dandy.

Some situations which may cause you to vomit include: drinking alcohol to excess, drinking milk to excess, drinking anti-freeze in any amount, being told that oysters are an aphrodisiac and getting carried away, watching an 80 year old couple experimenting with kama sutra, putting your finger in your throat, putting a kitten in your throat, being a baby, chewing tobacco while on a carnival ride with your baseball friends in the 60's, etc.

It's amazing that something like the human body, which can be so beautiful on the outside, can be so unbelievably disgusting on the inside. Vomit, urine, poo, blood, bile....... we are all pretty much one big walking, talking collection of offensive constituents. So who wants to make out?

Anyway, back to being thankful....... Life can a be a battle sometimes. Certain days will feel as though they may never end and you may feel like kamikaze bombing your office building. However, I always find it much better to be bored or frustrated than to be vomiting. "Can't find my favorite pair of socks? At least I'm not vomiting." "My VHS tapes are working less and less every year and there's nothing I can do about it? At least I'm not vomiting." "Wait, did I give him the poison one?......... let's see... the poison one was on the left..... and mine..........mine.......... or was.......... Epicac! Where's the fucking Epicac!"

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not vomiting." Unless you are bulimic in which case you must say "God that cake was so fucking good. Seriously, so fucking good. Fuck. I love cake. Now excuse me while I go puke myself back to a size zero."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 29 - Language

2009-12-10T08:41:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for language.

Me Jamie. Jamie like talk. Jamie happy about existence of structural verbal communication. I must say that the construction and evolution of human language is more complex than a bipolar woman on her period. Try and dissect that and you run the risk of exhausting your brain to the point of mandatory institutionalization.

My whole life revolves around words. I do not know what I would do without them. I guess I would spend most of my time clunking women over the head with a log and dragging them back to my cave. Language is truly an amazing thing. I can wrap my mind around the development of nouns and stuff like that. Point to a tree and decide..... "tree!". Simple enough. It's when you start trying to understand the creation of prepositions and conjunctions and all that jazz that things start to get a little overwhelming. Sure I could really delve into it and try to understand how it came to be..... or I could just be thankful for it and continue eating my bagel.

Some situations in which the use of language is required may include: ordering a sandwich at a delicatessen, cussing out a little league umpire, telling somebody that they have cream cheese on the side of their face, explaining to a police officer why you are in public with no pants on, describing the beauty of an orchid, yelling things behind a news reporter during a live broadcast, making inappropriate innuendos about "stress relief" to a coworker, etc.

A word. A word. My kingdom for a word. What would I do in thy absence oh fair and treasured language? Never leave me for I would be but a peasant without your presence upon thy breath. There really is nothing quite like a good conversation and we are one fortunate mother freakin' species to be able to experience this phenomenon. The fact that we can simply sit with one another and play mental ping pong for hours is worth more thanks than I know how to give. So, I will just say that I give it...... 287 thank yous.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today i am thankful for language". Unless you are in fact Helen Keller in which case you must say.......... oh......... right....... nothing............. sorry, Helen.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 28 - Surprises

2009-12-08T10:59:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for surprises.

Yes yes. I am perfectly aware that you could argue the fact that all surprises are a good thing. Obviously we know that there is a big difference between "and then Dillon surprised me with an engagement ring. We are going to be so happy!" and "I was surprised to learn that my beautiful fiance had a penis. Do NOT be surprised if I accidentally hurl myself off of this cliff." You can certainly find a negative side to everything if you want to comb through the minutia of every topic, but I find life to be much more palatable when you stay on the positive side.

Surprises are wonderful for the sheer fact that they are unexpected. When you have no preconceived expectations for something then you do not run the risk of being let down. If your friends throw you a surprise party it doesn't matter if the party is awesome or not. Your heart will be so filled with warm nuggets of love that you will say to yourself "Well fuck my cock with a rose stem. There's more love in this room than an ecstasy fueled rave among alternative lifestyle teens. Break out the glow sticks, Jessie!" Surprises are the ultimate crowd pleaser and I'll be damned if I'm not thankful for them.

Some situations that may cause you to be surprised include: getting a promotion, winning the lottery, successfully tossing a banana peel from your car window into a trash can, being told that you have a large penis, seeing Corey Feldman in a current movie, thinking that your are drinking coffee and then being told that it's decaf, finding a bag of cash, grabbing a stripper inappropriately and being kicked out of the club (What?! I thought she liked me!), etc.

"Ding Dong! Who is it? It's UPS, I have a package for you"...... If everyone experienced this exchange every day I think that you would see a perpetual ocean of smiling faces. In fact, just writing about it has inspired me to order more things online. Even things that I could very easily pick up down the street... I'm just going to order them now, and every time the delivery man arrives I will greet him with a high five and a cookie. He would most likely love me, but if not then at least he would be able to tell his friends about the crazy guy that he delivers packages to. He might even start to refer to me with a cool nickname like "high five and cookie guy" or "guy I'm pretty sure wants to rape me." Either way it will still bring me joy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for surprises." Unless you have a weak heart and are susceptible to cardiac arrest in which case you must say "Do not EVER surprise me. What!? Do you want me to DIE?? My ex wife liked to surprise me. I hated it!! how about a heads up woman!! you insensitive bitch! all the time with the surprises! It's enough! ENOUUUUGH!! ENNOUUU.... oh there goes the left arm."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 27 - Smiles

2009-12-05T08:35:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for smiles.

If there is anything that is worth more words than a picture, it's a smile. What is it about this effervescent crescent on a human's face that makes us feel as though we could just twist the night away like Sam Cooke? I don't know and I don't care, but once someone flashes you those pearly whites it brings feelings of joy which could never be satiated.

I have a friend that pretty much has a permanent smile tattooed on his face. His nickname, for lack of creativity, is "Smiley". In fact, most people could not tell you his real name even after knowing him for years. Smiley is the kind of guy that you want to be around all the time because of this disposition. He projects jubilation at all times and you can't have a conversation with him without joining him in his world of sugar plum fairies and candy cane forests. The conclusion that we get from this is that smiles make people happy and for that we should be ever so thankful.

Some situations that may lead you to smile include: watching a puppy play with yarn, finding a radical prize in your cereal box, leaping over a large puddle of which success was disputable, getting things for free, playing air hockey with Robin Williams, getting back all test results "negative", eating a transcending foie gras appetizer, successfully singing or rapping all the lyrics to a song with a friend, etc.

Some situations that may NOT lead you to smile include: getting kicked in the face by a horse, thinking that there was one more stair, wanting a coke and getting diet coke, peeing shoulder to shoulder at a troth, not being able to remember an actors name, walking in on an old man powdering his genital region, shaking a hand that is wet for some reason, having an itch but it's like you don't know where it is and you can't successfully scratch it and feel like you are insane, etc.

I recently read about a guy who dedicated his whole life to studying every detail of human facial expressions. I mean serious dedication. There are an astonishing amount of facial expressions and combinations that humans are capable of and this guy has a log and a name for every single one. Such as, dilating the nostrils is called A.U. 38. He spent the majority of his life sitting around with another doctor and learning how to make every expression and documenting them. An interesting discovery that he made was that when sitting around learning and performing facial expressions of grief or anger he would start to feel grief or anger. What this shows us is that just by making the expressions associated with a feeling can actually change our moods. So if you are ever feeling blue, just smile. Fake it 'til you make it my friends.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for smiles". Unless you are one of those people that just simply seems too cool to smile in which case you must say "it's not that I'm too cool to smile.... It's just........ I got this killa up inside of me. I can't talk to my motha so I talk to my diary." oooh rap music.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 26 - Taking Chances

2009-12-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for taking chances.

I'm feeling inspired and when you're feeling inspired you take chances. The chance that I'm taking today is writing about something inspiring...... which is taking chances.

To jump or not to jump. To take that last shot of tequila or listen to Randy and spring for a Dasani. To put on a condom or believe her when she says that she is in fact a virgin who just happens to take the pill. "Something in this room is growing and it's not in my pants. It's on your face." Every day we must face these decisions much like a matador faces a bull. All we can do is stare our predicament in the eyes and hope that we move in the right direction at the right time. But a colossal crimson cloth of guidance we do not behold. A sequined suit of sovereignty we do not sport. We only have our instinct and our gut as our counsel but we should be thankful for the rush we get from drawing that chance card.

Some situations that may lead you to taking a chance include: being a questionable distance from a yellow light, having to move your bowels on a first date, being offered a job located in a place that you can't pronounce, falling in love with a different species, being offered a "happy ending" from Yukiko, dropping a delicious 3 dollar cupcake on the ground in a parking lot, admitting that you do, from time to time, purchase cupcakes with pink frosting and then go have a beer to make you feel like a man again, etc.

If we go our whole lives without taking chances then we might as well deepthroat the barrel of a shotgun because that ain't livin' my friend. I encourage you all, the next time you want to say no, to say yes. You never know what it may lead to. However, if a strange man ever walks up to you on the street with a flask and says "Hey buddy, do me a favor and take a swig of this and tell me if it's whiskey or urine. I can't tell anymore," then in this case you have my blessing to tell him "No, Thank you" and then be gingerly on your way.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for taking chances." Unless you are the type of person that would take a chance, get into trouble because of it, then try and sue me due to my sprightly yet persuasive writing abilities in which case you must say "You know....... you sue ONE guy for seemingly selfish reasons and people treat you like a criminal. Yea I did break into the guy's house to rape his wife but come on.... I could have killed myself on that slippery tile in the entrance hall."

So remember boys and girls, if you don't gamble you can't lose...... but you also can't win much either.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 25 - Gifts

2009-12-02T08:34:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for gifts.

Gifts. We give them. We receive them. We love them. We sometimes hate them. But no matter what, gifts will always have a special place in everyones heart. It's our little way of saying "I'd like to give you this unopened radio/weather reporter that I found under a pile of chalky tote bags in my attic in hopes that in return you have something much more thoughtful for me like a baby koala, an ivory crossbow, or I can simply accept cash or check."

Gifts are a wonderful thing because the possibilities are endless. You can get creative or play it safe. You can spend a lot or spend a little. You can even spend nothing at all. A little light in the pockets this year? Time to put those origami skills to the test. Don't have any paper? Time to start handing out coupons for sexual favors and massages. Don't worry. You're not technically a prostitute if you're doing it for free.......

Some situations that may lead you to give or receive a gift include: Birthdays, Christmas, Hanukah, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentines Day, Flag Day, Judgement Day, Independence Day, Groundhog Day, Training Day, Day of the Dead, Dog Day Afternoon, The Day After Tomorrow, Die Another Day, Baby's Day Out, The Day the Earth Stood Still.......... what was I talking about?

Sure, sometimes the gifts that you receive don't always strike your fancy and you may think to yourself "this is from someone who may be giving me gifts for the next 40 years. Do I really want them to think that I like XL Denim button-downs? Should I say something? They're just wasting their money." However, what you have to ask yourself at that point is "What is a gift, really?" I say it's simply someone plunking down some odd amount of dollars in order to sufficiently dose themselves with 6 cc's of satisfaction. It makes us feel good to give a gift and it's always a pleasure to receive them even if you have to deal with a couple of lemons.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for gifts". Unless your name is Santa Claus and the only gifts you receive are a couple of stale cookies that make you shake your belly like bowl o' jelly in which case you must say "do me a favor would you and stick with laying out the Snack Wells this year. Only one, please. They may be low in fat but they can also remain high in calories and I don't like to over indulge. Besides, Blitzen is getting a little weak in the knees."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 24 - Switches, Buttons & Levers

2009-12-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for switches, buttons and levers.

The mind of a child functions in a more simplistic fashion. A naive and innocent system that lies helpless at the alluring beckon of temptation and pines for instant gratification. As a child, and also at times as an adult, there is nothing quite like the temptation of a big fat button. Just peaking into a cockpit has the same effect on ones brain as a top shelf stripper has on a 14 year olds penis. Instant mental erection.

Words such as Execute, Initiate, Start, Stop, Launch, Self Destruct, Blast Off, Begin Sequence, and the ever famous DO NOT PUSH are all words associated with the power of a switch, button or lever and for whatever reason we have an impending impulse to want to feel this power in our finger tips by flicking, pressing and cranking these captivating controls of commencement. Therefore, I shall bow my brow and say "thanks, merci and gracias" for giving us the opportunity to feel this desire.

Some situations that may lead you to having your way with a switch, button or lever include: opening a garage door, being an executioner, detonating a bomb, being a character on Loony Toons, working as a roller-coaster operator, driving a really nice Lexus, being a 00 Agent, attending Space Camp, being an impulsive and undisciplined child, seeing a "Big Red Button" of which has undisclosed purpose, etc.

KISS is an acronym that is taught in the fields of art/design/photography/ advertisement/etc. which stands for "Keep It Simple, Stupid." It is supposed to encourage people to keep things simplistic in the light of "less is more". This can certainly be true, but sometimes I wish that some things were WAY more complicated. There is just no luster in turning a key to start my car anymore. Sometimes I wish that it was a whole process involving metal toggles above my head, switches by me knees and buttons galore. I think that one of the most satisfying spectacles to witness is someone flicking multiple identical switches in a row with each flick illuminating a corresponding light. I want that in my life! Maybe one day my dream will come to fruition, but for now it still brings much joy just to know that these things are out there.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for switches, buttons, and levers." Unless you find this entire topic to be a mundane, incomprehensible and completely ridiculous form of immature self gratification in which case you must say "Do your parents sometimes wish that they would have just adopted?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 23 - Color

2009-12-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for color.

Color is an amazing thing. Especially when considering the fact that if it weren't for our eyeballs, colors wouldn't even exist. Colors are simply our brain's interpretation of light reflections. If there were no such thing as the human eye, or any other eye that has our advanced rod and cone light receptors, an apple would obviously still exist, but it would be neither red nor green. It would just "be". It's kind of like the whole, "if a tree falls in the woods but there is no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound?" I say yes, because sound is vibration and vibration is movement, but color is, in some sense.... nothing.... and EVERYTHING! Color is like an oscar winning performance from Daniel Day Lewis. A seemingly effortless arrayal of flourished excellence that is layered with fervency and brilliance...... and kind of scary.

Color is something that fascinates humans in so many ways. Starting with infancy we develop these associations to feelings and emotions through color. Such as pink or red reminding us of love, or yellow and gold reminding us of happiness and positivity, or tye dye reminding us of excessive drug use, free sex and instrumental reverberation. Color is a magical thing that provides us with so much more than we take into consideration, and we should be thankful.

Some situations in which the use of color should be appreciated include: decorating your breakfast nook, plating a salmon and vegetable medley dish for your in-laws, identifying a poisonous snake, locating your nearest emergency exit, differentiating between having "flower power" or just "being big", selecting an ipod that "suits you", knowing whether you have been doused in just water or a bucket of pigs blood in which case it is time to kill everybody through the use of telekinesis "They're all gonna laugh at you!!", etc.

We use color as a form a self expression and identification. It is a guide for our field of vision and in certain situations can draw ones eye as compellingly as a buxom blonde in a wet t-shirt. Or for the other side of things, someone resemblant of brad pitt wearing nothing but a sock. In "my eyes", it is a universal and intergalactic language that will continue to provide us with joy for all eternity.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for colors." Unless you are color blind in which case you must say "Where the fuck is Waldo!!??"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 22 - Land Dwelling

2009-11-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I live on land.

I don't care what that adorable, Caribbean dialectic crab from The Little Mermaid says. I don't think it's better down where it's wetter and I don't think it's hotter under the water. In fact, I think it's worser and colder and I am happy to not live there. We should all feel blessed that we can trot the globe freely and that we could walk 500 hundred miles if we wanted. Maybe even walk 500 more...... just to BE THE MAN WHO.... ok.

If that little chapter of evolution is correct, and at some point a crazy monkey-fish did walk out of the ocean on his lunch break to give it the old college try above sea level..... then thank you, evolution! Now we live in a world of endless land dwelling possibilities and that ain't nothin' to sneeze at.

Some ways to utilize the blessing of being a land dwelling homosapien include: playing kickball, eating cotton candy, throwing a ninja star, watching women's volleyball, drawing an arbol tree in the spring with semi-soft charcoal, using a stun gun, building a fort, seeing who can balance on a log the longest, base jumping from a clock tower, listening to the smooth sounds of Morgan Freeman's voice, etc.

Don't get me wrong, the ocean is a beautiful and wondrous place and I'm glad that it's there. I just don't want to live in it. Even that halfway point which was illustrated in "Water World" with Kevin Costner where people are living above water on boats but there doesn't seem to be land anywhere.... Sure you'd get your daily dose of sunshine and all the tuna you could eat.... but no thanks. In fact, if someone told me that I could either strip down naked and dive into a wild pack of hungry wolves, or live on a boat surrounded by infinite water with Kevin Coster, I'd rather take my...... "Chances with Wolves".

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I live on land." Unless you actually live under water in which case you must say "I'm surrounded by nymphomanic mermaids all day so I don't know what you're complaining about, but good lord are my hands pruned like a bitch!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 21 - Hugs

2009-11-23T08:06:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for hugs.

Someone once told me that the combination of chocolate and peanut butter caused the same chemical reaction in the brain as a hug. If that's true then everyone should keep a peanut butter cup on hand because nothing gives any old John or Jane the warm and fuzzies like this rhapsodical embrace that we call a hug. For this reason, we should bow our heads, close our eyes, remove our pants and give thanks.

Hugs are a deal sealer. A finalizer. A way of saying "I love you, man" or "thanks for the queso dip" or "I was going to sleep with you, but you bite too hard so maybe we should just be friends." The possibilities are endless and it's something that is too beautiful to adequately scribe.

Some situations that may result with hugs include: scoring a winning touchdown, giving someone a mix cd, anything involving alcoholic consumption, engagements & marriages, a solid team effort in building a canoe, being the best "dance crew", surviving an intense turbulence scare, saving a litter of kittens from the rain, saying something along the lines of "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart." etc.

Some situations that may NOT result with hugs include: missing a lay-up, shopping at hot topic, dropping a baby, adding too much garlic, sleeping with your wife's brother, typing in "ALL CAPS", forgetting to take the pill, getting caught cheating at Scategories, being asked questions about the drink you ordered and not knowing the answers. "Yea i'll have that.. uhh..... neat.......up..... and dry...... no wait. wet........ with a....... twist? on the rocks and dirty.......... You know what I'll just have a Coors." etc.

LL Cool J made a name for himself as a rapper with a song entitled "I Need Love". Years later the controversial rapper, "Necro", produced his own version of the song entitled "I Need Drugs". What I think both of them really wanted to say was "I Need Hugs". Aren't rappers adorable? Two people hugging is like putting together two pieces of a puzzle. It is a perfect fit. So the next time you see a good friend, don't fight it, offer them a hug as your perfectly parallel platonic puzzle piece because it will put a little bit of syrup on your metaphorical pancake.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for hugs". Unless you have a phobia of affection and don't like people touching you in which case you must say "I think all of you people are just a bunch of sickies who like to go around dry humping each other in order to fill some void in your soul that is starved for love and attention. Also, I hate dogs."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come

Daily Thanks - Day 20 - Stories

2009-11-20T07:46:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for stories.

The phrase "Once upon a time" may be the most nostalgic grouping of words in human history. The frenzy of emotional stimulation experienced upon its instant connection with the brain can only be surpassed by the adventure that is to follow. Some people may think that the whole notion of "story time" diminishes as an adult but you are wrong, my friend. dead wrong. It may not be the same setting, but I still enjoy a myriad of ripping good yarns. Of course, now they tend to begin with phrases such as "Oh my God, listen to this" rather than "Once upon a time", but whenever I hear an opener to a story that seems to have promise, I make sure to get comfortable, lean back, sip my drink and acknowledge the fact that I'm in for a ride through the unpredictable terrains of Story Town.

Some situations that may lead you to tell or hear a good story may include: sitting 'round a campfire, driving cross-state, witnessing a robbery, basking in a steam room, getting drunk with 8 guys, getting drunk with 8 girls, being harassed by a strange Indian man in a discount clothing store, being offered sexual favors in return for a gentlemanly act, infiltrating the KKK in order to gain information resulting in Superman using that information for a new storyline (happened), having your car break down only to be saved by a genie on more than one level, meeting Kevin Costner in a dive bar and challenging him to a shot-taking competition followed by talking to hookers about their choice in color sheme, etc.

Stories are wonderful because the ingredients for a good story are so vast. There are no rules. Even when something seemingly terrible happens to you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel where you can say "at least I will always have the story", and it's those that are usually the best. So whether you are fighting off dragons atop a firey mountain or fighting the urge to ask the 45 year old "cougar" at the bar to join you for a bubble bath, take a mental note because that is going to provide a narratively driven jungle gym on which your friends and family may play.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for stories." Unless for some reason you have no soul and do not like stories in which case you must say "Once upon a time, I swallowed a knife" and then you may proceed to swallow a knife. I love a morbid ending.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come

Daily Thanks - Day 19 - Rock of Death

2009-11-18T08:03:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not pinned under a rock in the mountains.

This happened to a man some odd years ago and it was a story that sparked many conversations amongst my friends and me. Aron Ralston was alone and about 20 miles from any indication of human society when a boulder fell on his arm and trapped him. Jesus. I complain like a woman in labor when I get a splinter in my finger. I can't even imagine the anguish that would be endured when going through a physical and mental raping of this magnitude and I am beside myself in jubilance to not be experiencing it.

Some situations that may cause you to be pinned under a rock in the mountains may include: unsupervised mountain scaling, boulder juggling, building your own replica of Stonehenge, searching for fools gold, being a handsome archeology professor obsessed with ancient artifacts, playing an innocent game of "dodge the rocky avalanche", persistently trying to kill a road runner, etc.

There is a saying... "stuck between Scylla and Charybdis" which references the sea monsters, Scylla and Charybdis, from Greek mythology. The saying was used to imply an inescapable situation as Scylla and Charybdis were so close to each other that sailors could not pass between them without the inevitable wrath of these Sea Gangstaz. The saying somewhat evolved into what we know as "stuck between a rock and a hard place." Well, if there was ever a person who has experienced the true meaning of this saying... it is Aron Ralston who, in my eyes, won the unofficial "Man of the freakin century award" when he proceeded to saw his own arm off with a pocket knife and managed to escape the grasp of the boulder that trapped him. Well done, sir.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not pinned under a rock in the mountains." Unless right now you ARE pinned under a rock in the mountains in which case you must say "ok. just like a ripping off a band-aid. a reeeaallly looong band-aid. gonna start sawing in 1........2....................................................................... ok. passed out there for a minute..... gonna start sawing in 1.....2............. ya know what......... someone will find me."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 18 - Sidekicks

2009-11-16T07:33:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for sidekicks.

There are always going to be a handful of sidekicks that are totally expendable. Personally, I wouldn't care if "Robin" went quail hunting with Dick Cheney if you know what I mean..... However, there will always be those sidekicks such as Chewbacca, Luigi, Dwight Schrute, Stimpy, Ed McMahon, and my personal favorite, Garth Algar, that life just wouldn't be the same without. It's the brilliance and playfulness in these characters that can turn an ordinary basket of fruit into a cornucopia. They are the ice cream in our root beer. They are the fire for our smore. They are the aged gouda along side our Riesling. Even the ones that we don't care for can at least remind us how much we love their superior and for that we should raise our glasses.

Some situations that may call for a trusty sidekick include: maintaining comedic balance, creating ego-filled tension, distracting villains as you dismantle a bomb, attempting to raise box office numbers, taking some of the heat off, getting more beers while you entertain the girls with stories of your time as a spy, holding the wheel as you remove your jacket while driving, feeding your fish while you travel to South America to find your real father but instead you "find yourself", etc.

Some people just naturally want to do things by themselves, but personally I enjoy the comfort in knowing that when I yell out "on belay?!" someone will respond with "belay on!" I enjoy the occasional quip or anecdote that keeps things casual and I wouldn't want to give that up just to feed my famished ego. I say embrace the companionship and partake in the occasional "eiffel tower". There is no "I" in "Team" but there is a "Si" in "Sidekick" which is spanish for "Yes". I'm coining that phrase right now.......

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for sidekicks." Unless you happen to be someone's sidekick in which case you must say "As much as I appreciate this sidekick propaganda you are peddling, you will rue the day you made slanderous comments about Robin. He is one of our top earners! The day will be ours soon! You will see! You ALL will seeeeeee!!!!! Now has anyone seen my much less effective weapons?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 17 - Aliens

2009-11-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for aliens.

Aliens are on a prestigious list of things that make you go hmmmmm. They make for an amazing story/movie/tv show/documentary/musical/tampon commercial etc. and I must say that alien abduction is a subject tackled more often than a sluggish fullback. It's one of those things that can bring just a dollop of excitement into our seemingly mundane lives and we should be thankful for at least the concept of these foreign figments even if you're not really "a believer". I say believe what you want, but know that it's always the skeptics that get abducted....

Some situations that may cause you to have a "close encounter" may include: wandering in the woods at night, driving a pick up truck on a barren road, doing essentially anything in a small town or rural area, sleep paralysis, leaving trails of candy, being a liar, being a drunken crop duster pilot, playing the notes "B flat, C, A flat, (down an octave) A flat, E flat", etc.

A little piece of everybody believes, or at least wants to believe, that they're out there. Fight it all you want with your weather balloons and your strange metals and elements in crop fields or whatever your "perfectly logical explanations" may be. I still believe that ol' Susie May Saltycube from Bethlehem, GA saw something. Sure she only has one eye and still believes in Santa Claus but if we can't love and trust our neighbors then we are no better than the possums we kill for dinner. Aliens... enough with the crop circles and abductions already you flirtatious devils. Let's have a look at 'cha.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for aliens." Unless you actually have been abducted and it was a terrible sexually and mentally abusive experience in which case you must say "You don't know the things I've seen..... the things I've felt.... when you stare into the eyes of something so evil and frightening.... it's like a surging wave of cold needles coursing through your soul.... the horror...... the maddening and upmost trepidation.... for more please pick up my book entitled "E.T and Me" for $25.95"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 16 - Dreams

2009-11-11T08:24:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dreams.

It's amazing what the human brain is capable of. It's also amazing that with all the technological advances we have made and with all of the knowledge we have of the human brain, psyche and mentality that we still don't understand dreams. I assure you that as you read this there is a whole army of people sitting around in lab coats going "...and then he said that he was on a boat, but it wasn't really a boat because it was in a mall.... and he was with his mother who was wearing a wedding gown covered in mayonnaise. What does it all mean!!??"

The truth is... we have no idea. I don't care what Freud said. Even HE could not decipher what the hell the human mind was doing in this lucid space within the abysmal thicket of REM sleep. Though we do not understand this psychological chasm of a world that we call dreaming, we must give thanks for it. I mean, where else can you have an orgy with the cast of Grey's Anatomy without the risk of anyone finding out? Yes. Including Dr...... Mc"Dreamy"? You see what I did there?

Some situations that you may experience during your dreams can include: flying, jumping really high, various forms of gravity defiance, breathing underwater, producing a dark but comedically transcending piece of theatre "in the round", knife fighting with a car mechanic, sailing across the pacific with your 8th grade history teacher, trying to quench your thirst with endless beverages but failing because your not "actually" drinking anything, becoming a martial arts expert, becoming a sports star, becoming a "real" writer, etc.

There are countless fantasies that we can experience through our dreams which is why I think that the word "dreams" has become synonymous with the word "goals". When someone wants to know what you would love to do with your life they may ask you "what are your dreams?" Interesting, because what you "dream" and what you "desire" can certainly be oceans apart. However, there will always be those cases in which you wake up and want nothing more than to go directly back into that dream you were having. "No! No!! Send me back! SEND ME BACK!!" At least that's what I would say. If you were Keanu Reeves then you may wake up in an instant, eyes open wide, turn to your lover and say "I know Kung Fu."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dreams." Unless you are unable to have dreams in which case you must say "The world is a cold, dark place.... but at least I have my brand new magenta SNUGGIE!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 15 - Super Famous

2009-11-09T08:22:00.003-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not super famous.

Sure it's always nice to be appreciated for something you've done. It makes us as happy as a pedophile at Chuck E. Cheese to have a little bit of recognition every once in a while. However, I would never want to be so famous that I couldn't even ride around on my pony named "Ninja Face" screaming "the french toast is cold!!" without the risk of making instant headlines. After all, this is America and we like to have our options open.

Dave Chappelle once said about Bill Clinton "Imagine being so famous that someone could suck your dick and then THEY'RE famous." A damn fine pick up line indeed, but not worth the baggage, much too large for carry-on, that comes along with it. We should be appreciative that we can all pretty much go where we want and do what we want without the possible repercussion of public vilification.

Some things that could cause you to become super famous include: singing opera for Simon Cowell, playing a fantastic mentally challenged southern boy on a bench, being sort of famous and making a sex tape, losing 240 pounds by eating subway sandwiches, letting Bill Clinton violate you with his cigar, going on a murdering rampage ending with Gianni Versace, getting bitten by a "Super Spider" and obtaining it's powers, being a badass raspy voiced cowboy, having a sweet ass, etc.

We all know that being super famous has its perks. You get to go to awesome parties, drive awesome cars, buy awesome children, and could probably walk right in to a P.F Changs without even having to wait for a table. I think I would have some serious trust issues, though. Everyone wants to screw over and use famous people. I'd be so paranoid I would even question the sincerity of a puppies love. "Why'd you lick me??!! What do you want from me??!! Does that collar have a camera in it!!?? Who sent you!? Are you with The Times??!! The french toast is cold!!!"

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not super famous." Unless you are in fact super famous in which case you must say...... Aw who cares what you have to say. You're famous. But I was wondering if maybe you could take a look at my screenplay?

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 14 - Fire

2009-11-07T08:35:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for..... FIRE!

The Merrian-Webster dictionary defines fire as " the phenomenon of combustion manifested in light, flame, and heat." That is not enough for me. Fire is much more than that and has such a catalog of associations that come with it. Not only is it an amazing wonder/phenomenon/element... but it also has other meanings. One thing that I found is that the word "fire", in a certain context, is synonymous with the word "passion". nice. Also, it is antonymous with the word "lethargy". That makes fire a pretty positive thing.

I also like the fact that fire is just straight up cool. Cool enough, in fact, that it is used for dramatic effect by both Satan AND God. That's right folks, no matter who you are or what you believe... fire is coveted by your savior. Cue Music.

Some common uses for fire may include: cooking burgers, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, smoking crack, smoking human hair, heating up a branding iron, warming up with a loved one, putting out blazing waters, making fireballs with 151, speaking with moses, scaring children, destroying bloody eviden..... clothes, making smores, providing vanilla rich aromatics, as an exciting and elaborate way to "FINISH HIM!" etc.

If you feel like writing super awesome song lyrics at any time, just use the word fire. You get to rhyme it with things like: desire, require, admire, mark mcgwire, liar, .......... and..... tire. Fire has so many metaphors that you don't even need to know what the hell you are talking about because people will interpret it however they want and will think you are a genius.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for fire." Unless at the moment you are.....ummm....on fire?..... In which case you must say "What? I did this on purpose. I am harnessing the true power of fire. It's my desire. I'm not dying......... jealous."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 13 - The Throat Hair

2009-11-06T11:14:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I do not have a hair stuck in my throat.

I can't stress the amount of importance that I lay on the comfort and functionality of my mouth. If you catch me on a day where something in my mouth is amiss..... stay on your side of the jungle gym. The mouth is a highly valued sanctuary of endless capabilities such as eating whole roasted cashews or "beatboxing" for disabled children, ergo it should be cared for and appreciated for giving us these luxuries.

Some situations that may cause you to get a hair stuck in your throat include: getting your hair in your food, getting someone else's hair in your food, consciously choosing to eat hair, conversing while getting a hair cut, snuggling with a golden retriever, orally pleasuring a penis, orally pleasuring a vagina in 1974, attempting to eat someone's head, getting a cavity filled by a nude persian man, etc.

Getting a hair caught in your throat can leave you feeling helpless and violated. Its ruthless hold on your well-being can be so sovereign that it can drive a seemingly stable societal unit into a complete state of dementia. There is nothing fair about a throat hair and I can enter this day with confidence and serenity knowing that I don't have one.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I do not have a hair stuck in my throat." Unless at the moment you DO have a hair stuck in your throat in which case you must say "Haaacccgghhhh Haacghh! It's right there! Hcccgggghhhhhhh! What have I done to deserve this! She said she was 22!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 12 - Lost in Woods

2009-11-05T09:23:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not lost in the woods.

Some may think that getting lost in the woods is somewhat of a double edged sword. Sure you may run the risk of being "Blair Witched", but at the same time you will finally get to put those "Survivorman" skills to the test! After all, you did watch the marathon on The Discovery Channel.

But I assure you that you are no Les Stroud. You are no Bear Grylls. In fact, you probably know less about surviving in the wild than Carrie Bradshaw. It would not be a super groovy time and if you managed to survive you would probably come out looking like an anorexic jaundice patient.

Some situations that may cause you to become lost in the woods include: hiking, making a documentary, hunting squirrels, disposing a body, looking for someone who is lost in the woods, plane crash, parachuting mishap, canoeing with Jon Voight, taking psychotropic drugs, etc.

I love the city. I've always lived in the city and as nice as it is to go out to a lake or a mountain house every once in a while it's only a matter of time before the beckoning serenade of the city draws me in like a leggy seductress on the prowl for a cute white boy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not lost in the woods." Unless at the moment you ARE lost in the woods in which case you must say "Don't eat the mushrooms. Don't eat the mushrooms. Don't eat the mushrooms. Don't eat the.... Eat only one mushroom. Eat only one mushroom."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 11 - Murderer

2009-11-04T13:47:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not a murderer.

"Psycho Killer. Qu'est-ce que c'est" A famous line from the great David Byrne of Talking Heads. Some say of this song about a psycho killer that David Byrne chose to use both the English and French language in the lyrics as a vehicle to imply personal duality. I like that. You can't help but be fascinated by murderers/serial killers etc. because of terms like "personal duality." Word combinations such as "troubled and tortured soul dealing with immense levels of inner turmoil" sure do pack a more sympathetic punch than "sick fuck who stabs babies." We should all be thankful that nobody will ever call us something like that.

Some things that can drive you to become a murderer may include: abusive parents, abusive uncle, adoption(controversial!), cultish environments, schizophrenia, cold french toast, MTV, wet socks, having a strange obsession with Gianni Versace, switching to soy milk, etc.

Being a murderer has got to be extremely stressful. You know that feeling you get when you see a cop and you are speeding a little bit. Your heart drops into your stomach and your face fills with blood. What about that time in high school that you almost got caught smoking pot at your parents house. The feeling of absolute terror that rushes over your entire existence in that moment that you may get caught. Can you even comprehend possibly being caught for murder. I'll tell you.... it would take more than a slice of cheesecake to warm my heart during that soul drowning situation.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not a murderer." Unless you are in fact a murderer in which case you must say "The dog made me do it!" If you don't get that reference..... you don't have enough of a dark side. :) Be well my angels.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 10 - Life Raft

2009-11-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

Sometimes we forget how much of a blessing it can be to just be able to sit in front of our computer with a cup of coffee soaking in some good ol' cathode rays. That is until we have found ourself stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden having to floss doesn't seem like much of a chore anymore. You'd just be sitting there, sharks circling, thinking to yourself "I can't believe I thought the day that I lost my job was going to be the worst day of my life. I did not think that a year later I would be considering eating my own thumb."

Some situations that could cause you to become stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean include: plane crash, boat crash, escaping from an island with your pet volleyball, searching for treasure, playing hide and seek, a highly elaborate prank gone wrong, trying to "find" yourself, trying to impress a girl, hoping for headlines, testing your new GPS, enjoying a chilly night on "the largest passenger steamship in the world" in 1912, etc.

Of course it wouldn't really be all that bad. If you managed to get stranded with some sexy company and just happened to have a bag full of scotch and donuts... you could find yourself having a pretty sweet maritime marathon of magical love making. Sign me up! Of course we all know that every time you mix scotch and donuts a leprechaun loses it's ability to feel love. But hey, if you can live with it......

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean." Unless at the time you ARE stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean in which case you must say "How crazy of a coincidence is it that Jamie decided to write about this today! wait a mother flippin second.... he's the bomber!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 9 - Tainted Eye

2009-11-03T05:34:00.000-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today i am thankful that I don't have something in my eye.

They say that eyes are the window into the soul, and there is nothing worse than when that window becomes tainted by an unwanted intruder. I've had some smashing good times come to an abrupt and unceremonious cessation due to this unfortunate happening, but today I can say that "Hey, it may be Monday, but I've got 2 functional and undisturbed eyeballs and that's enough to keep me afloat."

Some situations that can cause you to get something in your eye include: wandering eyelashes, racing go-karts, drilling wood, looking up at a ceiling fan while something comes into contact with it, bombing hills on rollerblades, running through a meadow, letting someone "finish" on your face, catching a dirty football, diving through plate glass windows, getting tortured, etc.

Things can happen, and before you know it some seemingly innocent sticks and stones have damaged your rods and cones. But today, we should make it a point to feel appreciative for our fully operative optics.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I don't have something in my eye." Unless at the moment you DO have something in your eye in which case you must say "Whatever, I'm just gonna get an eyepatch. can you say badass? Who's laughing now? HAHAHAHA.... I'm miserable."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 8 - Hangovers

2009-11-03T05:33:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for hangovers.

I know what you're thinking. "But Jamie, aren't hangovers a bad thing?" I say NO! A hangover is somewhat of a medal that you wear as a result of hopefully having a bitchin time. Sure they can be a bit painful at times, but I say embrace it and wear them well. The great musical artist, Beck, once said "Tell me, what's wrong with a little grind 'n' bump? when the stereos erupt with a kick drum punch?" Well, Beck, absolutely nothing! We all need to let loose like a belt every once in a while and we will always have our hangovers to remind us... Yep, still got it!

Some situations that may drive us to drink ourselves into oblivion and then awake with a howling hangover include: promotions, birthdays, holidays, finally re-tiling the bathroom, weddings, tuesdays, executions, sporting events, painting parties, having to perform an impromtu tracheotomy, trying to get girls naked in a hot tub, realizing that it's just a bunch of naked guys in the hot tub and your plan isn't working, etc.

Hangovers are Gods way of saying "I give you this incredibly complex and beautiful human body and this is how you choose to treat it? Well take this!!" But hey, your son started it with all that water into wine business! Is somebody a hypocrite?

So let's all take a moment and say (and I'm assuming that a lot of you are hungover considering last night was halloween) "Today I am thankful for hangovers" Unless you actually have something important to do today in which case you must say "Really? Tequila? How many times must I do this until I learn!!????"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 7 - Disguises

2009-11-03T05:32:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Since it's Halloween.... today I'm thankful for disguises.

I'm not quite sure what the origin is or how far back disguises go, but as far as humans go I would imagine that even the most cro-magnon of the cro-magnon experimented with disguise. Whether it was covering itself with leaves to blend with the earth in order to slay a beast, or possibly dressing up a mate as a lion for some savage role play in the bedroom. I think that disguises in general have played a huge role in human society since the beginning and we should appreciate the opportunities disguise has given us.

Some situations that may call for a disguise include: secret missions in Russia, paintball in Alabama, tailing a suspicious wife, avoiding the paparazzi, robbing a bank, kidnapping your ex-girlfriends cat, scaring your friends, sneaking into places where bad guys are, purchasing a dildo, keeping your life as a vigilante a secret, fooling Elmer Fudd, helping Rodney Dangerfield win the girls soccer league to impress his boss, etc.

Disguises allow us to keep our identity a secret while we get what we really want. Based on what I've seen in movies sometimes something as simple as a mask can make you super human and impossible to kill. Hell yea. I encourage you all to go out tonight in a disguise of your choice. Have a little fun, but don't let it go to your head. I don't want to see a bunch of murders out there. Unless anybody is STILL dressing up as Borat or Napoleon Dynamite. You can murder them :)

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for disguises." Unless your name is Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Leatherface, Joan Rivers or something along those lines in which case you must say "I really need to stop going out and scaring children and open up an Adult Friend Finder account."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 6 - Thumbs

2009-11-03T05:29:00.001-08:00

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for thumbs.

The thumb. Something that is shared not only in a very small number of animals but only specifically in those most fortunate of primates. It is something that we all take for granted and unless your hands resemble that of Dennis Hopper in "Speed" then I'd say we have a much worthy candidate for some thanks with a side of french fried potatoes. In fact, you could say that I would like to give my thumbs a good ol' fashioned "thumbs up."

Some situations that require the use of thumbs include: hunting, gathering, throwing a frisbee, cupping a breast, rowing a kayak, stealing a road sign, giving a thumbs up, giving a thumbs down, hanging out with Jack Kerouak, eating a sandwich, drawing a tiger, erasing a tiger, texting, playing gameboy, unhooking a bra, giving a massage, opening a condom wrapper, gauging someone's eyes out, picking up a puppy, writing a ransom note, giving the "ok" sign, sticking a finger through your ok sign to suggest sexual activity etc. All of this could be yours for one small payment of $19.99.

I think our lives would be much different without this hero of all phalanges. Whether you want to pursue a career in water polo or snap your fingers with a barbershop quartet, you will need those opposable beauties.

Take this as my psalm to this friend of the palm. a dedication to the betta metacarpal. The most legit digit. So, of course, let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for thumbs." Unless you do not have any thumbs in which case you must say "You people with thumbs think you're so great. Let's see you get out of a pair of handcuffs as fast as me!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 5 - Horse Sex

2009-11-03T05:27:00.001-08:00

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I don't want to have sex with horses.

That's right folks. This is actually a problem that some people have to face everyday of their lives. They see that mare and they can't help but stare. Something is fused in their brain which causes them to be uncontrollably driven into a state of unbridled desire for these undressed dressage maneuvers. If you don't know the term "dressage" then look it up because that was damn fine writing right there.

Some things that could cause you to want and or need to have sex with horses may include: troubled childhood, troubled adolescence, troubled tween years, troubled teen years, troubled birth, troubled breakfast, troubled first day of school, troubled attempt at making a sandwich, troubled day at the ol' cheyenne, troubled toothbrush purchasing, troubled bubble blowing etc.

Things can happen in life which lead you to feel cheated, abandoned, slighted, unappreciated, unaccomplished and sometimes just plain old shitty. However I can wake up everyday and if nothing else be thankful that I am not one of these X-rated Equestrian or as I have just made up..... X-questrian. Too much fun. A lot of people have a hard time coming out of the closet to their friends and family about being a homosexual. Imagine having to sit your family down and tell them that you were a horse fucker. "Mom. Dad. I don't know if you knew this about me already but Seabiscuit and I are somewhat of an item."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I do not want to have sex with horses." Unless you actually DO want to have sex with horses in which case you must say "I think it's time to consider shock treatment."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 4 - High Fives

2009-11-03T05:26:00.000-08:00

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for high fives.

There is something about this primal skin on skin propinquity that sends such feelings of joy and intimacy to the brain. I like to think every time you give or receive a really good high five that a little engine that didn't think it could........ thinks it could.

Some situations that can result in high fives include: seeing a good friend, buying a new car, providing a beer, having the same shirt, sharing a sandwich, agreeing that said sandwich is really good, getting laid, talking about getting laid, escaping the police, lending a surge protector, saving something that almost tipped over, successfully jumping out from behind a corner and scaring someone, catching a cashew in your mouth, finishing a novel about Pythagorean Theorem, disposing of a body, wearing a cowboy hat, saving a puppy etc.

Some situations that do NOT result in high fives include: drinking zima, getting caught masturbating, burping while kissing, hitting a pot hole, finding out she was a man, getting stabbed, dropping a frisbee, watching White Chicks, going outside of the lines in a coloring book, not being able to remember an actors name, sitting on a cold toilet, getting stuck in a long line with a stranger that wants to talk to you about problems they're having with their gardner, etc.

High fives are a luxury that we are all lucky enough to celebrate and if you are reading this then you are required to give at least 2 high fives today. That's right, even the ladies! If you feel like having an adventure then I suggest giving a high five to someone who really doesn't expect it. It's great fun. The next time someone holds an elevator door for you or tells you which way the bathroom is, reward them with a high five. They might just think that you are weird at first, but they will walk away feeling a little bit better whether they realize it or not.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for high fives". Unless you can't high five because you have no arms or something like that in which case you must say "I'm so glad that even with no arms I can still use the internet, now can someone please scratch right above my left eye!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 3 - Knife Attack

2009-11-03T05:25:00.001-08:00

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not being attacked by a man with a knife.

Let's face it.. no matter what you're doing right now chances are that it is not as bad as being attacked by a man with a knife.

Some things that can provoke a knife attack include: rudeness, ignorance, deceit, abandonment, gelled hair, being named Laurie Strode, belligerence, intolerance, tight pants, baggy pants, cockiness, pretentiousness, 69'ing a married woman, etc.

I was once "attacked" by a man with a knife. We'll say that I was guilty of knife attack provocation # 7 - Belligerence. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong amount of alcoholic fluids coursing through my reluctant bloodstream when a man harassed me and I responded in a less than pacifistic manner. He then stated that he was going to go "get something" and then "come back for me". Luckily, even in my momentary bleared and hazy disposition I managed to say to myself ".......bad......." and then proceeded to hide in a bush. That's right, I hid in a bush. And guess what.... That crazy mofo came back with a knife! But he did not find ol' jamie did he? No sir. Say what you want about my choices on this particular evening but I am not ashamed because I'll tell you one thing my friends. Being stabbed is one party that I will not be RSVP'ing for.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not being attacked by a man with a knife". Unless at the moment you are being attacked by a man with a knife in which case you must say "I should probably get off the fucking internet because I am about to get stabbed!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 2 - Prison

2009-11-03T05:24:00.001-08:00

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not in prison.

Even though sometimes even a picnic is no picnic... Prison certainly is no picnic. Even compared to that one picnic you had where Frankie hit you in the mouth with a frisbee and knocked a tooth out and you bled all over the cole slaw and scared children..... it still holds no candle to prison.

Some things that can get you into prison include: Murder, Rape, Embezzlement, Larceny, Trafficking, Identity Theft, Standing in your own house drinking coffee in the nude and accidently exposing your "business" to a 7 year old passer by, Taunting police officers with your newly learned "Crip Walk", Burglary and Lying to Jesus. Prison is hell and I assure you that you will meet nobody as cool and chill as Morgan Freeman during your time spent in grown up time out. A hot piece of ass like myself would certainly get slapped around and would be threatened with the act of unwanted penetration. No gracias mi amigo. On the other hand I would probably get some pretty badass "prison tats" in the process, but even so....... I'll stick with what I got going on in the real world for now.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not in prison". Unless you are in prison while reading this in which case you must say "Fuck you Jamie".

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 1 - Mouth Roof

2009-11-03T05:21:00.001-08:00

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for not having any cuts on the roof of my mouth.

We all know the feeling. Common culprits of this devious attack on our treasured mouth roof include: crunchy tacos, sharp cereals, chips, fried foods, sandwiches with toasted bread and mouth rapists. For the sake of dramatic effect I will say that there is "nothing worse" than having an intimate moment with a delectable snack or meal come to a screeching halt when said food item decides to "bite back".

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for not having any cuts on the roof of my mouth"

Unless today you DO have cuts on the roof of your mouth in which case you must say "My life is a little bit worse today because I have cuts on the roof of my mouth, but tomorrow is a new day and I will approach it with grace".

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.