Daily Thanks - Day 56 - Luck

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for luck.

Luck. It's kind of like the female ejaculation. You don't really believe in it until it's all around you.

Luck is a concept that can be quite frightening to some. Many people don't like the thought of any fate being out of their control. Sure. I can understand that. But we also have to remember that luck favors the prepared, which tells us that even though luck is somewhat supernatural, we sometimes have to make our own. You can't put a leash on fortuity, but you can feed it treats and make it like you, and for that we should be thankful.

Some situations in which a little luck can come in handy may include: taking a shot at the Craps table, sneaking into work late, realizing that the condom broke, not being 100% sure what someone's name is and having to say it, playing "rock, paper, scissors" for shotgun, eating hummus with a questionable expiration, Clint Eastwood staring you down with a 44 magnum...... punk, etc.

A lot of people like to say "don't push your luck". I would have to agree with this. Luck is something that is uncontrollable and without pattern, not something that should be counted on. That is what makes it such a beautiful thing. Unpredictability is a blessing in the sense that when things unexpectedly work out in our favor, or you hit a "lucky streak", it is all the more significant. So do your best to make your own luck, and maybe the stars will be in line for you to give that extra push over the edge, and that will be a wonderful occasion.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for luck". Unless you have absolutely nothing but bad luck in which case you must say "Hi. My name is Brett and I'm a compulsive gambler. I really don't think I need help, though. It's just a hobby.... Ok. Heads I seek treatment. Tails I go hit the slots and then get a hooker.................... Damnit.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 55 - Breakfast

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for breakfast.

When I say "breakfast", I'm not talking about that bowl of oats you devour like a famished hyena on the way out of your apartment. I'm talking about the real experience of breakfast. The kind where you sit down somewhere and get the works - coffee, eggs, grits, bacon, sausage, pancakes, biscuits, fruit, etc.

It is a very special experience filled with beautiful moments, appealing to all of the senses. Watching the cream fill in the coffee like a smoke bomb billowing into a glass chamber. The syrup cascading over a buttery short stack like an erupting volcano of deliciousness. The morning sun caressing your face like a nurturing mother. The aroma of decadent delights so sinfully sweet and savory that infiltrate your nasal passage like a tactfully trained unit. All you can do is sink back into your chair and say "Good freakin' morning!" And when you take that first bite, you kinda feel like river dancin'.

Some situations that you can experience during breakfast may include: realizing that syrup pretty much enhances everything, realizing that SOYsage is actually a pretty tasty alternative, discussing the differences between kids "these days" and the kids from "our days", feeling overly self-righteous about your generation, thinking that maybe this one night stand could actually go somewhere, really wishing that you had not taken your one night stand to breakfast, wishing that you had not chosen to have a one night stand on the night of the "white trash" theme party, not realizing that you forgot to order cheese grits instead of regular grits until someone else at your table gets their cheese grits. Damn you and your more delicious grits than mine. Damn you.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I think that this has multiple layers. One being health-wise and getting your body off to the right start at the commencement of your day, but it also has a mental layer. How you feel directly after breakfast has a large impact on your mood and mind set. If you have a breakfast that includes burnt toast, dry pancakes, a bland scramble and skimpy fruit-cup, you are more likely to stab someone on this particular day. However, if you start every day with moist cakes, savory eggs, and a fruit parfait that would excite royalty, then you have a good chance of living your life virtually stab-free. Can't complain about that!

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for breakfast". Unless you are part of my family and the whole "food" part of breakfast is not really the main incentive in which case you must say "just a bloody mary for me. thanks. and let's not be a pussy with the vodka. I want to be carried out of this place!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 54 - Awards

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for awards.

Awards are another thing that are unique to the human race. There are many other animals that live in a society of rewards, but not awards. The main difference being that a reward is something received in return of a deed done. Such as, picking someone up from the airport, or cleaning another monkey's fur. It's a "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" kind of situation. But awards, aside from highly prestigious ones like the Nobel Prize, are simply a recognition. It's sort of like you've accomplished something so great and unique that there is no way to properly reciprocate other than providing you with significant accolades.

It's interesting that we have such a great interest in awards even when they have nothing to with us. Something like The Academy Awards is a perfect example. We find a great deal of satisfaction when somebody that we really want to win wins. I think the reason for this is that we see this performance or contribution to a film and recognize it as being great and we feel an attachment, and when the Academy also recognizes this then it gives us a sense of value in our own opinion. In some way you feel as if you have won an award simply by accurately choosing who should. Special.

Some things that you could win an award for may include: developing a new theorem, having a high GPA, writing a great song, making a great film, making a terrible film, being an excellent athlete, taking a great picture of something really terrible, being the world's Number 1 Dad, having super long fingernails, falling 9 feet directly to your testicles (Darwin), accurately portraying a disabled person if you are perfectly abled, or a gay person if you're straight, or an old person if you're young, or a boy if you're a girl, or a tall person if you're short, or a happy person if you're sad, or a monkey if you're a deer, or a plate of yams if you're a Romanian interior decorator, etc.

People love to win awards no matter what. Even if it's for something bad. Go ahead and try this theory out. Make a little certificate out of a scrap of paper and give it to a friend as an award for "Shittiest Beard", and they will love it. They will simply feel honored for the fact that they were recognized for a unique quality that somehow made somebody else think about them. Then maybe for the presentation of this award, you will be REwarded with a smile and a hug or high five.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for awards." Unless you're Meryl Streep in which case you must say "Really? 30 years since I've won an oscar? And I've been nominated like 20 freakin times? This is getting ridiculous. Are you trying to hurt me? From now on, stop nominating me unless I'm a shoe-in, which I usually am anyway..... and still manage to lose...... Pssh. Academy...... get a real job."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 53 - Learning

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for learning.

Learning - the cornerstone of human development. What a blessing it is to have a big, spongy ball of matter in our head that soaks up information. Personal development, or advancement, can truly be the most rewarding experience known to our species, and we should be ever so grateful that we are pretty damn good at it.

They say that you learn something new every day, which is true, but misleading. The fact of the matter is that we probably learn hundreds of new things every day. I probably learned 20 new things in the first half hour of my day just by catching a few minutes of the news and by having a brief conversation while getting my coffee. Information is constantly being thrown at us and the amount of time that we spend taking in, storing, and disposing cognitive information is outstanding. By the way, did you know that Bill Murray was bitten twice by the groundhog on the set of "Groundhog Day"?

Some situations in which you can learn something may include: paying attention during social studies, reading an article about NYPD tactics, having sex after 12 shots of tequila, tagging along on a heist, trying on clothes of the opposite sex, poking something with a stick, having an in depth conversation with a homeless person, experimenting with muffin recipes, taking a hip-hop dance class with your homies, etc.

Learning is the acquiring of new knowledge, and though it is true that we learn something new every day, it does not mean that we retain all of that information. People have extremely selective memories, which is why some things we remember and some we do not. We may have spent 6 months in school learning about anatomy and still not know a damn thing about digestive enzymes produced by the pancreas even though it was pounded into our heads over and over. Yet, for some reason, we never forget that thing that someone told us once about ninjas at the age of 8. All it took was one time and it's burned into our brain. The point is, it feels good to learn, and even though information will always find you, it doesn't hurt to seek it out every once in a while. So go learn something! You may remember it forever, you may encode it somewhere in your brain for later retrieval, or you may forget it completely, but at least you tried.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for learning." Unless you have a highly underdeveloped brain and retain very little information which also tends to be incredibly selective in which case you must say "I think he was talking about ninjas....."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 52 - Anxiety

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for anxiety.

When experiencing a state of heightened anxiety you may not be thinking "I am thankful for this", but.... maybe you should. Imagine a life in which you never feel anxious. It seems like somewhat of a mundane existence. In many cases, anxiety comes partner to feelings of excitement, which tells us that we should embrace this seemingly unpleasant feeling and appreciate the blessing of it's cause.

Many people would associate anxiety with fear, which they should not do. One of the biggest differences between the two is that fear pertains to the present as anxiety pertains to the future. This is important in the sense that this tells us that fear is something experienced during an uncontrollable situation and anxiety is experienced as a result of something that has not happened yet, meaning that it can be controlled. For instance, you may experience fear when tied to a railroad track while a train is barreling down on you. There's not much you can do in this situation other than start vigorously nibbling at your restraints. On the other side of things, you may feel anxiety when driving your car with someone in your trunk who you intend to tie to a railroad track. Which boat would you rather be in?...... That's what I thought.

Some situations in which you can experience anxiety may include: proposing to your girlfriend, proposing to your friend's girlfriend, picking out a dress for the dance, giving a speech at a "Furries" convention, hearing the music speed up while playing Mario, the first day at a new job, pitching your idea for a reality show about "virgin males who aren't allowed to masturbate while sharing a house with pornstars" to a network, singing a Minnie Riperton song at your parents' wedding vow renewal ceremony, etc.

Anxiety is something that everyone has to deal with on some level. It will never go away so the best thing to do is learn to love it. If you spend your life trying to avoid doing things that cause anxiety then you are restricting your personal growth and hindering your chances for life changing opportunities and experiences. Go forth into the night, my friends.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for anxiety." Unless you suffer from an extreme case of Social Anxiety Disorder in which case you must say "I don't know how I could ever be thankful for anxiety when I can't answer the phone without sweating. The only thing I fear more than human interaction is palindromes. I just don't have the stomach for them" "God, a red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!" Crazy.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 51 - Dates

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dates.

Whether you're sharing an intimate evening with a significant other, feeling out a new candidate for possible courtship, or simply sharing a cheese platter with your platonic friend whom will never abide to your fantasies of carnal pleasure, dates can be a beautiful, deep dish slice of life.

The company. The ambiance. The timeless, warm decor of your favorite smokehouse - all of the accoutrements of a perfect date night. Sure, from time to time we can get a few butterflies in our baskets, but what's life without the occasional line drive at our nerves. Just remember to be polite, be yourself, listen, don't bring up sex toys before appetizers, and don't flirt with your server. At least, not too much.... Follow these guidelines and you've got the bulk of the ingredients needed for a fantastic date, and for that you should be thankful.

Some situations that you can experience while on a date may include: giggling like a schoolgirl, wondering if there is something in your teeth, showing off your juggling skills, wishing that alcohol wasn't so expensive, drinking great amounts of alcohol in an attempt to forget about how expensive it is, watching a scary movie, being super excited about a cuddle initiation, finding out that your date is married, questioning your morals, starting to feel like you've been setup, thinking that becoming a double agent was a risky idea, making cookies, having an amazing time, etc.

When talking about dates there is one thing that always comes to mind. The goodnight kiss. When is it going to happen? Will it happen at all? Is a boob grab inappropriate? The answers are always going to be - Don't know, Don't know, and...... follow your instincts. The best thing to remember is that, chances are, your date is thinking about it as well, and unless the night was a total disaster or if one of you has recently vomited then I would say go ahead and lunge! Then top it off with a smooth line like "mmmm just like your sister."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dates." Unless you feel that dating is for pathetic pea-brains in a hopeless search for love in which case you must say "You people are all just sick masochists. Don't you see what love and relationships do to people? It's a path to self destruction! God I really hate that Hugh Grant."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.