Daily Thanks - Day 41 - Drug Deal

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not participating in a drug deal.

As much as I enjoy having my life threatened by the act of chainsaw mutilation, I just assume not hitch my wagon to that star. Of course, we all know that buying drugs can sometimes be as easy as "Hey Steve, I fancy a bag of pot. Groovy. See you at the disco tonight", but these are not the kinds of exchanges that I care to address today.

I can get a little anxious when a waitress is standing over me and I haven't decided what to order yet. I can't imagine the tidal wave of panic I would endure when combing through a million dollars worth of blow while some scofflaw named Esteban tickles my ear with the barrel of an assault rifle. This is a path in life that I have chosen not to follow. I enjoy a good caper as much as anyone else, but I am thankful that I don't face the chance of death and imprisonment on a daily basis. At least, I don't consciously FURTHER my chances...

Some situations can lead you into participating in a high profile drug deal may include: being a high profile drug dealer, stocking up for a weekend getaway in vegas, proving yourself to the "capo", being an undercover cop, being a corrupt cop, being a schizophrenic retired cop, being courtney love's personal assistant, looking to make your one big score then skip town with your new peach flavored hooker girlfriend named Alabama, etc.

Drug deals are more "sketch" filled than a trash bin in a Life Drawing class. I don't care what the circumstances are, there is always a chance that something will go awry and when that happens.... people get angry and grown men get neutered. I don't know about you, but if I can get through my life without jeopardizing the safety and intactness of my testicles then as far as I'm concerned.. life is peachy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not participating in a drug deal". Unless you are, in fact, participating in a drug deal in which case you must say "Before I give you the money who want's to see a magic trick? You're gonna love this. Ok I'm gonna need a volunteer...... who here has a briefcase full of cocaine?...... Don't worry about what I'm gonna do with it."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 40 - Competition

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for competition.

Bathed in the delicate flicker of candlelight, Daniel Plainview delivers the line "I have a competition in me..... I want no one else to succeed...... I hate most people." This is what I bellow into the skies each morning as I sacrifice a goat and wallow in it's blood. It helps me keep my wits about everything and assures that I remain driven. Win or go home, gentlemen!

Ok so maybe winning isn't everything, but it's definitely something. If we weren't living in a society filled with people who strive to be better than the next, then we would just be a bunch of inbreds burning witches and performing surgery with large rocks. I, for one, have not burned a witch in years. At least not for religious reasons....... and for this blessing I say take 2 doses of thanks and call me in the morning.

Some situations that can lead you into the heat of competition may include: a pick up game of touch football, dying easter eggs, discussing film trivia, going after the same girl, going after the same guy, name dropping, balancing on a chain, chicken fighting, comparing fingernail cleanliness and upkeep, saving your ski resort from a greedy developer, being told that you play ball like a GIRL!, etc.

Competitiveness forces us to keep our minds and bodies limber, and we don't always have to be competing against someone else. We can compete with ourselves. Ever play yourself in basketball? It's great. You always win. Yet... you also always lose. It's bittersweet. Kind of like banging a celebrity on a public bathroom floor.... but one thing will always remain true. Competition is a requisite in life, it is essential to human progression, and if we stick together then we will someday overtake all of these witches that damn our harvest.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for competition". Unless you are the type of person who is going to be a big sore loser if you don't win in which case you must say "Doesn't count! The timer was up! You change that fucking card or I will kill your mother and sodomize your father! TEST ME!" Jesus, Barry. You're playing Scattergories against a 7 year old.... put down the cleaver you baboon.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 39 - Pranks

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pranks.

There are moments we tend to feel that our lives can be a long dull path into an imminent stalemate. When will this day end? When will they call back? When will this rash dwindle? When these feelings are upon us it is sometimes appropriate to seek enjoyment and excitement at the expense of others. That's right. Pranks. High jinks. Shenanigans.... But if you are to partake in the world of pranking just remember 3 things.

1. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.
2. Do them out of jest and playfulness.
3. Rape is not a prank.

Some classic pranks that you can perform may include: the taped down sink sprayer, the cup of water over the doorway, the flour in the hair dryer, the saran wrap over the toilet seat, the embezzlement of your boss's money, the adultery, the tying one's shoelaces together while they're sitting, the removing of a subject's chair from behind them as they stand, and who can forget the trusty ol' "roofie in the drink". The girls love that one.

The desire for mischievousness is just a part of being a human. Who are we to fight our natural urges? So get out there and have some fun with a prank or two, but try not to let it get too out of hand. If it does... just remember that the best way to clean blood is hydrogen peroxide and COLD water. Do not use any warm water on tainted surfaces until all blood has been sufficiently diluted.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pranks". Unless you have recently fallen victim to a horrible prank leaving your body and/or soul in a state of dilapidation in which case you must say "Although I am covered in burn scars and have a crushed larynx, I must say.... you got me, man. You got me. If I could.... I would laugh...... and then stab you."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 38 - Reality Television

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for reality television.

Humans are truly an interesting species. Who would've thought that after coming so far and progressing so much in the art of entertainment, all we really wanted to do was watch ourselves. If Freud was alive today I think that he would be a reality television producer. The whole experience to him would be like a free rein theme park of psychoanalysis. The "id" working at it's highest potential! For the participants and the viewer.....

Being an avid film lover, I have always been one to turn my nose up at reality television. However, as I got older I learned to separate these shows from any category of creative expression. I also learned to avoid calling it mindless entertainment that would contribute to an inevitable decline in the human brain developmental process. I now find it to be sincerely educational. Who would've thought that putting a neurotic cowboy, a rapper, and a gay filipino dancer in a space ship with 3 sluts, a case of rum and a brick of cocaine would be a recipe for conflict and situational humor. I sure didn't.... but thanks for showing me the light.

Some situations that you can witness on a reality television show may include: drunken hot tub makeout sessions, drunken brawling, drunken sex while completely hidden under the covers in some sort of attempt at being inconspicuous while muttering "I can't believe I'm doing this", people crushing on each other, people hating on each other, some extremely haggard "morning after" faces, too many strategically placed commercial breaks, seeing yourself fall into a depressing catatonic state of obsession with the lives of others, etc.

Reality television is like the losing of your virginity. It's messy, rudimentary, and can leave you feeling ashamed, but you usually come out of it having learned something. If there is one thing that I have learned from recent mega-hit reality show "Jersey Shore", it's that the only thing better than filling a house with a handful of people that are all completely different, it's filling a house with a handful of people that are all exactly the same. I have also learned quite a bit about hair and tan maintenance and the art of "fist pumping". Thanks guys.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for reality television". Unless you have had your life ruined as a result of being on a reality show in which case you must say "fuck the guy that convinced me that being on reality tv would give me a prosperous future. Jesus, and I blew him...... I knew I should've stayed in nursing school. At least I've got my new edgy love ballad album coming out entitled "You think you know me, bitch?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 37 - Revenge

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for Revenge.

Revenge. The most powerful motive and a common root to some of the greatest stories ever told. Even though the need to seek out revenge is most likely the result of a numbingly tragic event, we tend to thoroughly enjoy the temporary or permanent insanity that the revenge inflictor endures. We respect their passion, fearlessness, and overall lack of concern for their own life.

Of course, I tend to get a little ahead of myself. Not all tales of revenge have to be of epic proportion and life threatening. Some can be more on a level of what I like to call "playful retaliation". Example: A roommate happens to take your sandwich without asking. That's a low blow, snacky joe. As a result I may seek vengeance by hiring a male prostitute to bust into his work and cause a scene while screaming "You gave me herpes you slut!" That tends to get the message across fairly well. Revenge can be a beautiful thing if carried out with grace and dignity, and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations that can cause you to seek revenge may include: Being cut in front of in a line, having your family brutally murdered by a ruthless villain, falling victim to identity theft, being deliberately "cock-blocked", having your modest yet charming and loved business threatened by an evil conglomerate, being told that the movie "Be Cool" is "worth a watch", having a stripper refuse to give you change for a dollar, etc.

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. I have always liked that saying. The message that it is trying to give is that as a victim of wrong doing you are temporarily given the permission to break down societal barriers, cast your morals aside and lash out in a ruthless whirlwind. But think about this... What are some of the common dishes that are served cold? ice cream, potato soup, yogurt parfait, cereal, jello..... what do they all have in common? They are all eaten with a spoon, which means that the recipient of the dish is at their most helpless state of defense. Ah hah! From this I conclude that if you are to seek revenge, maybe it doesn't mean that serving it cold means to serve it ruthlessly and carelessly. Maybe it means to serve it strategically in a way that the target of revenge is at their weakest position and face an inevitable peril. Wuah ha haha hahahaha!

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for revenge". Unless right now you are expecting to have revenge taken upon you in which case you must say "I'll have the toughest piece of meat you got. Steaming hot! with a side of.... clay pigeons. Yeeeeaaa." Think about it.......

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 36 - Showers

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for showers.

Taking a shower is one activity that is clearly unmatched. I sometimes feel that I absolutely live for these glorious geysers of rejuvenation. Every time you bless your body with a shower it is like a new beginning. A clean slate. It doesn't matter what happened beforehand for a shower is total reaffirmation.

I remember as a child I would sometimes complain about having to take a shower. I can't, for the life of me, remember why. I think it is very interesting that kids tend to complain about having to shower, eat and go to sleep, but as adults these become our favorite activities. "It's like raaayyyeeeaaaiiin on your wedding day!" Reference gotten? good. No matter how bad things get we will always have showers to wash our worries away like an angelic avalanche surging from our own personal portal, and for this we shall rejoice.

Some situations that can lead you to take a shower may include: playing flag football, committing a bloody murder, having sex, continuing having sex, losing an egg toss, procrastinating, simply wanting to warm up, using a gas station bathroom, watching 2 girls 1 cup, looking for a place to cry in a gripping drama on the Lifetime channel, getting beaned by a giant ball of oil la la la, etc.

What is it about warm falling water that soothes us like a puppy at its mothers nipple? Sometimes I actually laugh in psychotic happiness when I get in the shower. It's just so good..... I don't understand how someone can go a day without showering. That does not compute with me. I need at least 1 shower a day to function. There is a magical power that comes from a shower, and I'm drawn to it like a bee to a flower. I'd like to take one every hour. Oh shower.... my dear shower.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for showers". Unless you are somewhat of a dirty hippie and like to avoid showering in which case you must say "I may not take showers..... but I uhh..... I fuckin...... ummm...haha.... what?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 35 - Lost Wallet

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that my wallet is not lost.

Nothing brings on that overwhelming feeling of sudden hysteria quite like the moment in which you realize you may have lost your wallet. It is like someone has briskly removed your aorta and hidden it from you as you scramble around feeling your body slip into lifelessness. Your drivers license, your credit cards, your cash, your "one hole punch away from a free sandwich" deli card, your treasured locks of hair from the girl you have been stalking.... All gone!! It is a helpless and soul strangling experience and I feel that, today, food will taste better and air will feel fresher knowing that my wallet is perfectly safe and sound as a pound.

Some situations that can cause you to lose your wallet may include: being a tourist in Europe, being a sufferer of narcolepsy, getting into a spontaneous wrestling match in the woods at night, jumping on trampolines, having one night stands, keg stands, hand stands, sitting in the stands, having a dance off, essentially anything involving excessive alcohol consumption, etc.

Our wallets are something that we tend to take for granted until they are gone, and if you happen to find that missing wallet you will become bestrewn with a feeling somewhat comparable to orgasmic release. You suddenly feel the need for a cigarette, a glass of water, and a nap. It is a feeling that is so great that it's almost worth the losing of the wallet just to experience the moment that you find it. However, I say we just give our thanks, appreciate what we have, and promise that we'll never let go. I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that my wallet is not lost". Unless you have in fact lost your wallet in which case you must say "The first number I pull off of a girl in months and I put it in my wallet and then lose it.... Why would she even write it down on paper in the first place when clearly we both have cellphones? Who does that anymore? What is it the 1800's? It doesn't make sense! Why don't we just wear top hats and monocles and listen to a fucking gramophone while we're at it!" Actually, that sounds like a lot of fun. Where does one get a gramophone these days?

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 34 - Torture

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured.

"God this meeting is torture." "This blind date is torture." "Every day at this job is absolute fucking torture!" Bullshit! I don't think anything less than torture itself can be compared to torture. We all have our problems, and yes there are times where I have said "I would rather take a steel mallet to the mouth than have to deal with this any longer", and I most likely meant it, but a quick devastating blow certainly does not, literally, "pack the same punch" as being tortured. Therefore, I'm gonna go ahead and sing a snippet of zippity-do-da in celebration of currently being an unrestrained free human with no jumper cables hooked up to my testicles. Beautiful.

Some situations that may cause you to be tortured include: being a prisoner of war, being a prisoner of Gwar, being an evil child's pet hamster, sharing a Hostel room with slutty Eastern-European women, being "stuck in the middle with" Mr. Blonde, taking a wrong turn when going camping, being savagely siphoned for information regarding Calvin Klein's upcoming spring collection, etc.

Sure our lives can be grueling. Long days and sleepless nights.... but I urge you to take solace in the fact that, at the end of the day, the only person taking tools of torture to us is our kinky friend, Ivanka, who makes you squeal for an absolute steal. Especially on 2 for 1 Wednesdays.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured." Unless you are a masochist and derive great sexual pleasure from ruthless torture in which case you must say "No please don't stop writing! Just reading this has got my nipples buzzing like a bumble bee on a sunflower."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 33 - Pretending

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pretending.

Where would we be without the wondrous and magical kingdom of pretend? Can you imagine? No Werewolves........ no Santa Claus........ no Jesus.... It seems to me like it would be a cold, dark chasm of catatonia, and I am graced with a little bit of pleasure for good measure knowing that at any time during my day I can pick up my pen and pretend that it is a magical spear with the power of 11 strong ponies. I mean, who is going to stop me... maybe the evil, fire breathing koala gnome of Kalgoria, a.k.a Brad from H.R? Never!

Pretending is an important part in shaping the human brain and helping us to interpret the world as we see fit. It is an outlet for creativity and exploration and it should be utilized more commonly by the average adult. So, have a little fun today. Be a Jedi, build a fort, hunt and attack your burrito before you eat it... When it comes to pretending, the possibilities are truly endless and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations in which you may use the art of pretending include: fighting off demons with your nephew, getting through a given area without touching the ground because the ground is "lava", faking an orgasm, fighting off ninja warriors, acting sad when being told that your shitty boss died, using bunk beds as a pirate ship, an elaborate role play with your lover in which you arrange a meeting at a bowling alley and pretend that you don't know each other then going to get a hotel room for wild sex, etc.

I did so much pretending as a child that I had a hard time distinguishing between reality and fantasy. This was mostly due to the fact that I thought my name was "Pretend". My sister was constantly wanting to pretend and would do things like hand me a stick and say to me "Pretend this is a sword", and I would be a little confused because I was like "I think it's a stick, but ok." It got kind of scary sometimes...."Pretend you are dying". "I'm what?!?!?". Eventually we cleared up all the muck and I was able to embrace the world of pretend with much enthusiasm. After that I couldn't get from my bedroom to the bathroom without dodging explosives and slaying dragons.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pretending". Unless you are one of these people that thinks that they can make millions by reading a book called "Get Rich in 30 Days" in which case you must say "I clearly am already living in a fantasy world."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.