Daily Thanks - Day 22 - Land Dwelling

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I live on land.

I don't care what that adorable, Caribbean dialectic crab from The Little Mermaid says. I don't think it's better down where it's wetter and I don't think it's hotter under the water. In fact, I think it's worser and colder and I am happy to not live there. We should all feel blessed that we can trot the globe freely and that we could walk 500 hundred miles if we wanted. Maybe even walk 500 more...... just to BE THE MAN WHO.... ok.

If that little chapter of evolution is correct, and at some point a crazy monkey-fish did walk out of the ocean on his lunch break to give it the old college try above sea level..... then thank you, evolution! Now we live in a world of endless land dwelling possibilities and that ain't nothin' to sneeze at.

Some ways to utilize the blessing of being a land dwelling homosapien include: playing kickball, eating cotton candy, throwing a ninja star, watching women's volleyball, drawing an arbol tree in the spring with semi-soft charcoal, using a stun gun, building a fort, seeing who can balance on a log the longest, base jumping from a clock tower, listening to the smooth sounds of Morgan Freeman's voice, etc.

Don't get me wrong, the ocean is a beautiful and wondrous place and I'm glad that it's there. I just don't want to live in it. Even that halfway point which was illustrated in "Water World" with Kevin Costner where people are living above water on boats but there doesn't seem to be land anywhere.... Sure you'd get your daily dose of sunshine and all the tuna you could eat.... but no thanks. In fact, if someone told me that I could either strip down naked and dive into a wild pack of hungry wolves, or live on a boat surrounded by infinite water with Kevin Coster, I'd rather take my...... "Chances with Wolves".

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I live on land." Unless you actually live under water in which case you must say "I'm surrounded by nymphomanic mermaids all day so I don't know what you're complaining about, but good lord are my hands pruned like a bitch!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 21 - Hugs

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for hugs.

Someone once told me that the combination of chocolate and peanut butter caused the same chemical reaction in the brain as a hug. If that's true then everyone should keep a peanut butter cup on hand because nothing gives any old John or Jane the warm and fuzzies like this rhapsodical embrace that we call a hug. For this reason, we should bow our heads, close our eyes, remove our pants and give thanks.

Hugs are a deal sealer. A finalizer. A way of saying "I love you, man" or "thanks for the queso dip" or "I was going to sleep with you, but you bite too hard so maybe we should just be friends." The possibilities are endless and it's something that is too beautiful to adequately scribe.

Some situations that may result with hugs include: scoring a winning touchdown, giving someone a mix cd, anything involving alcoholic consumption, engagements & marriages, a solid team effort in building a canoe, being the best "dance crew", surviving an intense turbulence scare, saving a litter of kittens from the rain, saying something along the lines of "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart." etc.

Some situations that may NOT result with hugs include: missing a lay-up, shopping at hot topic, dropping a baby, adding too much garlic, sleeping with your wife's brother, typing in "ALL CAPS", forgetting to take the pill, getting caught cheating at Scategories, being asked questions about the drink you ordered and not knowing the answers. "Yea i'll have that.. uhh..... neat.......up..... and dry...... no wait. wet........ with a....... twist? on the rocks and dirty.......... You know what I'll just have a Coors." etc.

LL Cool J made a name for himself as a rapper with a song entitled "I Need Love". Years later the controversial rapper, "Necro", produced his own version of the song entitled "I Need Drugs". What I think both of them really wanted to say was "I Need Hugs". Aren't rappers adorable? Two people hugging is like putting together two pieces of a puzzle. It is a perfect fit. So the next time you see a good friend, don't fight it, offer them a hug as your perfectly parallel platonic puzzle piece because it will put a little bit of syrup on your metaphorical pancake.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for hugs". Unless you have a phobia of affection and don't like people touching you in which case you must say "I think all of you people are just a bunch of sickies who like to go around dry humping each other in order to fill some void in your soul that is starved for love and attention. Also, I hate dogs."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come

Daily Thanks - Day 20 - Stories

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for stories.

The phrase "Once upon a time" may be the most nostalgic grouping of words in human history. The frenzy of emotional stimulation experienced upon its instant connection with the brain can only be surpassed by the adventure that is to follow. Some people may think that the whole notion of "story time" diminishes as an adult but you are wrong, my friend. dead wrong. It may not be the same setting, but I still enjoy a myriad of ripping good yarns. Of course, now they tend to begin with phrases such as "Oh my God, listen to this" rather than "Once upon a time", but whenever I hear an opener to a story that seems to have promise, I make sure to get comfortable, lean back, sip my drink and acknowledge the fact that I'm in for a ride through the unpredictable terrains of Story Town.

Some situations that may lead you to tell or hear a good story may include: sitting 'round a campfire, driving cross-state, witnessing a robbery, basking in a steam room, getting drunk with 8 guys, getting drunk with 8 girls, being harassed by a strange Indian man in a discount clothing store, being offered sexual favors in return for a gentlemanly act, infiltrating the KKK in order to gain information resulting in Superman using that information for a new storyline (happened), having your car break down only to be saved by a genie on more than one level, meeting Kevin Costner in a dive bar and challenging him to a shot-taking competition followed by talking to hookers about their choice in color sheme, etc.

Stories are wonderful because the ingredients for a good story are so vast. There are no rules. Even when something seemingly terrible happens to you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel where you can say "at least I will always have the story", and it's those that are usually the best. So whether you are fighting off dragons atop a firey mountain or fighting the urge to ask the 45 year old "cougar" at the bar to join you for a bubble bath, take a mental note because that is going to provide a narratively driven jungle gym on which your friends and family may play.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for stories." Unless for some reason you have no soul and do not like stories in which case you must say "Once upon a time, I swallowed a knife" and then you may proceed to swallow a knife. I love a morbid ending.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come

Daily Thanks - Day 19 - Rock of Death

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not pinned under a rock in the mountains.

This happened to a man some odd years ago and it was a story that sparked many conversations amongst my friends and me. Aron Ralston was alone and about 20 miles from any indication of human society when a boulder fell on his arm and trapped him. Jesus. I complain like a woman in labor when I get a splinter in my finger. I can't even imagine the anguish that would be endured when going through a physical and mental raping of this magnitude and I am beside myself in jubilance to not be experiencing it.

Some situations that may cause you to be pinned under a rock in the mountains may include: unsupervised mountain scaling, boulder juggling, building your own replica of Stonehenge, searching for fools gold, being a handsome archeology professor obsessed with ancient artifacts, playing an innocent game of "dodge the rocky avalanche", persistently trying to kill a road runner, etc.

There is a saying... "stuck between Scylla and Charybdis" which references the sea monsters, Scylla and Charybdis, from Greek mythology. The saying was used to imply an inescapable situation as Scylla and Charybdis were so close to each other that sailors could not pass between them without the inevitable wrath of these Sea Gangstaz. The saying somewhat evolved into what we know as "stuck between a rock and a hard place." Well, if there was ever a person who has experienced the true meaning of this saying... it is Aron Ralston who, in my eyes, won the unofficial "Man of the freakin century award" when he proceeded to saw his own arm off with a pocket knife and managed to escape the grasp of the boulder that trapped him. Well done, sir.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not pinned under a rock in the mountains." Unless right now you ARE pinned under a rock in the mountains in which case you must say "ok. just like a ripping off a band-aid. a reeeaallly looong band-aid. gonna start sawing in 1........2....................................................................... ok. passed out there for a minute..... gonna start sawing in 1.....2............. ya know what......... someone will find me."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 18 - Sidekicks

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for sidekicks.

There are always going to be a handful of sidekicks that are totally expendable. Personally, I wouldn't care if "Robin" went quail hunting with Dick Cheney if you know what I mean..... However, there will always be those sidekicks such as Chewbacca, Luigi, Dwight Schrute, Stimpy, Ed McMahon, and my personal favorite, Garth Algar, that life just wouldn't be the same without. It's the brilliance and playfulness in these characters that can turn an ordinary basket of fruit into a cornucopia. They are the ice cream in our root beer. They are the fire for our smore. They are the aged gouda along side our Riesling. Even the ones that we don't care for can at least remind us how much we love their superior and for that we should raise our glasses.

Some situations that may call for a trusty sidekick include: maintaining comedic balance, creating ego-filled tension, distracting villains as you dismantle a bomb, attempting to raise box office numbers, taking some of the heat off, getting more beers while you entertain the girls with stories of your time as a spy, holding the wheel as you remove your jacket while driving, feeding your fish while you travel to South America to find your real father but instead you "find yourself", etc.

Some people just naturally want to do things by themselves, but personally I enjoy the comfort in knowing that when I yell out "on belay?!" someone will respond with "belay on!" I enjoy the occasional quip or anecdote that keeps things casual and I wouldn't want to give that up just to feed my famished ego. I say embrace the companionship and partake in the occasional "eiffel tower". There is no "I" in "Team" but there is a "Si" in "Sidekick" which is spanish for "Yes". I'm coining that phrase right now.......

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for sidekicks." Unless you happen to be someone's sidekick in which case you must say "As much as I appreciate this sidekick propaganda you are peddling, you will rue the day you made slanderous comments about Robin. He is one of our top earners! The day will be ours soon! You will see! You ALL will seeeeeee!!!!! Now has anyone seen my much less effective weapons?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 17 - Aliens

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for aliens.

Aliens are on a prestigious list of things that make you go hmmmmm. They make for an amazing story/movie/tv show/documentary/musical/tampon commercial etc. and I must say that alien abduction is a subject tackled more often than a sluggish fullback. It's one of those things that can bring just a dollop of excitement into our seemingly mundane lives and we should be thankful for at least the concept of these foreign figments even if you're not really "a believer". I say believe what you want, but know that it's always the skeptics that get abducted....

Some situations that may cause you to have a "close encounter" may include: wandering in the woods at night, driving a pick up truck on a barren road, doing essentially anything in a small town or rural area, sleep paralysis, leaving trails of candy, being a liar, being a drunken crop duster pilot, playing the notes "B flat, C, A flat, (down an octave) A flat, E flat", etc.

A little piece of everybody believes, or at least wants to believe, that they're out there. Fight it all you want with your weather balloons and your strange metals and elements in crop fields or whatever your "perfectly logical explanations" may be. I still believe that ol' Susie May Saltycube from Bethlehem, GA saw something. Sure she only has one eye and still believes in Santa Claus but if we can't love and trust our neighbors then we are no better than the possums we kill for dinner. Aliens... enough with the crop circles and abductions already you flirtatious devils. Let's have a look at 'cha.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for aliens." Unless you actually have been abducted and it was a terrible sexually and mentally abusive experience in which case you must say "You don't know the things I've seen..... the things I've felt.... when you stare into the eyes of something so evil and frightening.... it's like a surging wave of cold needles coursing through your soul.... the horror...... the maddening and upmost trepidation.... for more please pick up my book entitled "E.T and Me" for $25.95"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 16 - Dreams

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dreams.

It's amazing what the human brain is capable of. It's also amazing that with all the technological advances we have made and with all of the knowledge we have of the human brain, psyche and mentality that we still don't understand dreams. I assure you that as you read this there is a whole army of people sitting around in lab coats going "...and then he said that he was on a boat, but it wasn't really a boat because it was in a mall.... and he was with his mother who was wearing a wedding gown covered in mayonnaise. What does it all mean!!??"

The truth is... we have no idea. I don't care what Freud said. Even HE could not decipher what the hell the human mind was doing in this lucid space within the abysmal thicket of REM sleep. Though we do not understand this psychological chasm of a world that we call dreaming, we must give thanks for it. I mean, where else can you have an orgy with the cast of Grey's Anatomy without the risk of anyone finding out? Yes. Including Dr...... Mc"Dreamy"? You see what I did there?

Some situations that you may experience during your dreams can include: flying, jumping really high, various forms of gravity defiance, breathing underwater, producing a dark but comedically transcending piece of theatre "in the round", knife fighting with a car mechanic, sailing across the pacific with your 8th grade history teacher, trying to quench your thirst with endless beverages but failing because your not "actually" drinking anything, becoming a martial arts expert, becoming a sports star, becoming a "real" writer, etc.

There are countless fantasies that we can experience through our dreams which is why I think that the word "dreams" has become synonymous with the word "goals". When someone wants to know what you would love to do with your life they may ask you "what are your dreams?" Interesting, because what you "dream" and what you "desire" can certainly be oceans apart. However, there will always be those cases in which you wake up and want nothing more than to go directly back into that dream you were having. "No! No!! Send me back! SEND ME BACK!!" At least that's what I would say. If you were Keanu Reeves then you may wake up in an instant, eyes open wide, turn to your lover and say "I know Kung Fu."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dreams." Unless you are unable to have dreams in which case you must say "The world is a cold, dark place.... but at least I have my brand new magenta SNUGGIE!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.