Daily Thanks - Day 46 - Orgasms

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for orgasms.

I don't think it's too much of a secret that people are thankful for orgasms. We have all had them, hopefully.... and we all enjoy them. But what do we really know about these sensational soirees of sexual stimulation? If an alien being asked you what an orgasm was would you have an answer? "Uhhh, it's like.... this awesome thing....". That explanation is about as useful as nipples on a man.

The reason that you may have a hard time verbalizing the details of an orgasm is mostly due to the fact that an orgasm is truly a difficult thing to define. We can say that it is a series of pleasurable muscle contractions, but that is merely pertaining to the physiological properties when there are also psychological, endocrinological, and neurological factors that come into play. Especially in women. In a way, an orgasm is beautifully undefinable. It's like a little fairy that flies through our bodies plucking our pleasure strings, and I am expressing gratitude.

Some situations that can lead you to have an orgasm may include: having sex with another human, having sex with a wax sculpture of Sheryl Crow, masturbating in a dark corner, getting a vigorous lap dance, sitting on a washing machine or dryer, having a "nocturnal emission", eating a really good waffle, taking ecstasy and going to a Beck concert, getting a phone call, and........... sneezing...... no lie. It can happen. Google it.

I find it interesting to think about the time of my life that predated my first orgasm. What was I doing with myself? I think the most exciting things in my life then were ninja weapons and cookie cake. Not to speak badly about either of those things, but compared to orgasmic release they are simply moot. That being said, I encourage you all to go out and have yourself an orgasm. Just don't do it on the bus. That is frowned upon.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for orgasms". Unless you have somehow made it this far in life without achieving climax in which case you must say "I think I've had one...... how do you know? Is it really better than cookie cake?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 45 - Magic

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for magic.

Much like the human race, there are many different kinds of magic. There is White Magic, Black Magic, Magic Mushrooms, Magic Bullet, Magic Johnson, Magic 8-ball, Wicca, Witchcraft, Sorcery, Wizardry, etc. The possibilities are boundless in this art of the arguably sinful society of seance.

"But what is it really?", the people ask. Is it evil? Is it dangerous? Can it make your penis larger? As long as this force is around and talked about there will be questions about it and I may not have every answer you are looking for, but what I can do is remove my hat and sunglasses and pay my respect to this whimsical wonder of many shapes and sizes. So back to the question of "But what is it really?" My only answer for you is...... Oh Oh Oh it's magic! Ya knooooooooow.

Some situations in which you may choose to use magic can include: bringing a little girl's dead rabbit back to life, stealing peoples watches, levitating through an aromatics shop, casting spells on your crush, spying on said crush in the shower, making yourself more tan, finding someone's card, impressing children, impressing drunk people, not impressing the guy interviewing you for a job, giving a girl an orgasm, saving fern gully, etc.

In the words of Doris Day... "When we walk hand-in-hand, the world becomes a wonderland. It's magic. How else can I explain, those rainbows when there isn't rain? It's magic." Ahhh Yes. Magic can also be used to describe a feeling, such as a first kiss, or a successful ring toss rewarding you with a giant stuffed sea otter. I like the phrase "There was magic in the air." It gives you hope that sometimes things will happen for a reason and it will pay off in a beautiful way. Magic can be a blessing, but just make sure that you do not abuse the power of magic or else it will get all kinds of Salem Witch Trial up in this bitch.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for magic." Unless you have fallen victim to a crazy witchcraft practicing ex who cast a spell on you causing you to experience graphic tourette's while attending dinner parties in which case you must say "Can someone please pass the COCK! NIPPLES! pass the NIPPLES!....... sorry...... I just really.... If you could just pass the COCK!... on my NIPPLES!.........can I be excused?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 44 - Travel

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for travel.

Whether you are whisking away to the tropics in pursuit of straw furnishing cocktails and a little R n' R or simply grabbing that stowed away wad of cash and getting the hell out of dodge, travel is the experience above all experiences.

We use travel as a way of escape. To get away from the daily grind, or to avoid a stab wound from the man who caught you naked with his wife and daughter snorting coke lines off of their loins. It is our ultimate excuse to unwind. To let our guards down. To throw caution to the wind. To LIVE damnit!! It is something that we always want to be memorable, and it usually finds a way to do just that.

Some things that you can experience while traveling may include: watching the sunrise on a beach, watching the sunset upon a mountain top, watching your son set a hotel room on fire, having an educational "plane" conversation about the difference between Japan and China (the robes?), tasting foods that you never knew existed, vomiting up foods that you never knew existed, hitting on someone whom does not speak your language, feeling a strong desire to learn another language, feeling somewhat guilty and belittled by the fact that everyone on the planet seems to know at least a little english, being mistaken for a celebrity and signing an autograph, being drunk and getting way too into a street musical performance, conquering fears, having an all around awesome time!, etc.

Interestingly, the whole concept of "vacation" is a relatively new thing. In the late 19th century vacations were only taken by teachers and students who took time to "vacate" the school premises, and by people of the elite in which cases vacations were most likely to be the result of a medical issue. However, even then, these vacations did not necessarily pertain to the act of traveling. We have been blessed with many things as people of this generation, and recreational travel is one of them. Cupcakes are another.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for travel." Unless you are a sufferer of severe hodophobia (fear of travel) in which case you must say "Nah you guys go ahead, I'm just gonna stay here. You have fun, though. No I really can't.... I gotta get my haircut anyway..... and someone really should stay here....... to uh....... exercise the gaskets so the pipes don't freeze up...... yes I realize that it's April, but we've had some chilly nights. It's just that unpredictable time of year for weather......... (coughs) totally getting sick as well......... No I will not unlock the door....."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in says to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 43 - Pairings

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pairings.

In the words of Aimee Mann "One is the loneliest number". Shocking? No.... but profound?....... Also no....... but it certainly is accurate and that's all that matters. When it comes down to it, where would salt be without pepper? Honey without nut? oxford polos without chinos? Sifl without Olly? breasts without nipples? They would all be rendered useless. Some things were meant to be completed by a counterpart and I am thankful for all of these lonesome doves finding their match.

Some common pairings that always seem to find each other include: strawberries and chocolate, peaches and cream, guns and roses, penises and vaginas, naked drunk girls and cameras, marijuana and video games, biscuits and gravy, mike tyson and hookers, tequila and bad decisions, iced over driveways and makeshift cardboard box luges, friends recently released from prison and poorly planned schemes involving an ex girlfriends stepfathers fraudulent investment agency and a supposedly legit wildlife preservation in South America, etc.

In a world filled with so many mysteries and unanswered questions, I'm glad to know that some things just seem to find each other with the greatest of ease. The next time you think that something is wonderful on it's own, I suggest extending your hand to the possibility of a perfect pairing. It could be out there, and when found, it's divine. Just look at what happened when poor Art Garfunkel was no longer part of the duo Simon & Garfunkel. Sure Paul did ok, but it was still not the same, and Art..... jesus. What a disaster. He may have had a couple of decent songs there, but for the most part it was an overly breezy easy listening nightmare that made Kenny G look like Sid Vicious.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pairings". Unless you are a strong believer in the Lone Ranger and think that pairing just shows weakness in which case you must say "The only pair that I need in life is me and my shotgun....... and whisky...... So I guess that's more of a triad..... like I said...... the only pairs I like...... are bartlett."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 42 - Espionage

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for espionage.

Timothy Dalton. Sean Connery. Pierce Brosnan. What do they all have in common? believe it or not, not much. Their birth dates span over a 23 year period and they all hail from different countries. Regardless, they are all actors who have managed to portray the same character of "James Bond", and James Bond is awesome.

James Bond, and many other characters alike, have been the vehicles that guide us through the world of espionage or, in other words, being a spy. Over the years, espionage has become something that is synonymous with words like suave, cultured, worldly, badass, awesome, sex, gadget, shaken not stirred, helicopter explosion, etc. It's a lifestyle that sends the message of "I may be a full blown misogynistic alpha male with a sweet tan and a shiny gun who can, from time to time, be known to "slap a bitch", but I do it with class and I also happen to save the world on a daily basis so I pretty much have a free pass through all walks of life." Espionage is a titillating facet of the human experience and we should all sing it's praise.

Some situations you can find yourself in when delving into the realm of espionage may include: firing missiles from a speeding aston martin, wearing a dastardly dapper tailored suit, engaging in sexual activities considered illegal in certain places with multiple partners who may or may not be trying to kill you, repelling down the side of a blimp, strangling a gaggle of large men to death, getting a mani-pedi, flirting with money-penny, eating some manicotti, having a way with words that is only matched by your way with weapons, etc.

Being a spy is a job held clandestinely for the coolest, most cunning cats on the corner. If we all could, then maybe we would, but for the most part we just don't have what it takes. This is the reason that we enjoy it so much. We can enjoy it from the confines of our own home through a book, film, tv show, or elaborate porno flick alongside our favorite lager and a piece of meat. If we really want to, we can go down to the local spy store and blow our latest pay check on some kick ass gear that we can use to spy on the hotties across the hall. If you get caught, just tell them that they are in danger, offer them a drink, dim the lights, and make sweet love to yourself after they leave.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for espionage". Unless the thrill of adventure frightens you in which case you must say "You wanna talk about adventure? Last Tuesday I wore one black sock and one blue. I was so scared that someone would see. Talk about a rush...... Ok Ally McBeal is starting."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 41 - Drug Deal

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not participating in a drug deal.

As much as I enjoy having my life threatened by the act of chainsaw mutilation, I just assume not hitch my wagon to that star. Of course, we all know that buying drugs can sometimes be as easy as "Hey Steve, I fancy a bag of pot. Groovy. See you at the disco tonight", but these are not the kinds of exchanges that I care to address today.

I can get a little anxious when a waitress is standing over me and I haven't decided what to order yet. I can't imagine the tidal wave of panic I would endure when combing through a million dollars worth of blow while some scofflaw named Esteban tickles my ear with the barrel of an assault rifle. This is a path in life that I have chosen not to follow. I enjoy a good caper as much as anyone else, but I am thankful that I don't face the chance of death and imprisonment on a daily basis. At least, I don't consciously FURTHER my chances...

Some situations can lead you into participating in a high profile drug deal may include: being a high profile drug dealer, stocking up for a weekend getaway in vegas, proving yourself to the "capo", being an undercover cop, being a corrupt cop, being a schizophrenic retired cop, being courtney love's personal assistant, looking to make your one big score then skip town with your new peach flavored hooker girlfriend named Alabama, etc.

Drug deals are more "sketch" filled than a trash bin in a Life Drawing class. I don't care what the circumstances are, there is always a chance that something will go awry and when that happens.... people get angry and grown men get neutered. I don't know about you, but if I can get through my life without jeopardizing the safety and intactness of my testicles then as far as I'm concerned.. life is peachy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not participating in a drug deal". Unless you are, in fact, participating in a drug deal in which case you must say "Before I give you the money who want's to see a magic trick? You're gonna love this. Ok I'm gonna need a volunteer...... who here has a briefcase full of cocaine?...... Don't worry about what I'm gonna do with it."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 40 - Competition

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for competition.

Bathed in the delicate flicker of candlelight, Daniel Plainview delivers the line "I have a competition in me..... I want no one else to succeed...... I hate most people." This is what I bellow into the skies each morning as I sacrifice a goat and wallow in it's blood. It helps me keep my wits about everything and assures that I remain driven. Win or go home, gentlemen!

Ok so maybe winning isn't everything, but it's definitely something. If we weren't living in a society filled with people who strive to be better than the next, then we would just be a bunch of inbreds burning witches and performing surgery with large rocks. I, for one, have not burned a witch in years. At least not for religious reasons....... and for this blessing I say take 2 doses of thanks and call me in the morning.

Some situations that can lead you into the heat of competition may include: a pick up game of touch football, dying easter eggs, discussing film trivia, going after the same girl, going after the same guy, name dropping, balancing on a chain, chicken fighting, comparing fingernail cleanliness and upkeep, saving your ski resort from a greedy developer, being told that you play ball like a GIRL!, etc.

Competitiveness forces us to keep our minds and bodies limber, and we don't always have to be competing against someone else. We can compete with ourselves. Ever play yourself in basketball? It's great. You always win. Yet... you also always lose. It's bittersweet. Kind of like banging a celebrity on a public bathroom floor.... but one thing will always remain true. Competition is a requisite in life, it is essential to human progression, and if we stick together then we will someday overtake all of these witches that damn our harvest.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for competition". Unless you are the type of person who is going to be a big sore loser if you don't win in which case you must say "Doesn't count! The timer was up! You change that fucking card or I will kill your mother and sodomize your father! TEST ME!" Jesus, Barry. You're playing Scattergories against a 7 year old.... put down the cleaver you baboon.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.