Daily Thanks - Day 34 - Torture

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured.

"God this meeting is torture." "This blind date is torture." "Every day at this job is absolute fucking torture!" Bullshit! I don't think anything less than torture itself can be compared to torture. We all have our problems, and yes there are times where I have said "I would rather take a steel mallet to the mouth than have to deal with this any longer", and I most likely meant it, but a quick devastating blow certainly does not, literally, "pack the same punch" as being tortured. Therefore, I'm gonna go ahead and sing a snippet of zippity-do-da in celebration of currently being an unrestrained free human with no jumper cables hooked up to my testicles. Beautiful.

Some situations that may cause you to be tortured include: being a prisoner of war, being a prisoner of Gwar, being an evil child's pet hamster, sharing a Hostel room with slutty Eastern-European women, being "stuck in the middle with" Mr. Blonde, taking a wrong turn when going camping, being savagely siphoned for information regarding Calvin Klein's upcoming spring collection, etc.

Sure our lives can be grueling. Long days and sleepless nights.... but I urge you to take solace in the fact that, at the end of the day, the only person taking tools of torture to us is our kinky friend, Ivanka, who makes you squeal for an absolute steal. Especially on 2 for 1 Wednesdays.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured." Unless you are a masochist and derive great sexual pleasure from ruthless torture in which case you must say "No please don't stop writing! Just reading this has got my nipples buzzing like a bumble bee on a sunflower."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 33 - Pretending

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for pretending.

Where would we be without the wondrous and magical kingdom of pretend? Can you imagine? No Werewolves........ no Santa Claus........ no Jesus.... It seems to me like it would be a cold, dark chasm of catatonia, and I am graced with a little bit of pleasure for good measure knowing that at any time during my day I can pick up my pen and pretend that it is a magical spear with the power of 11 strong ponies. I mean, who is going to stop me... maybe the evil, fire breathing koala gnome of Kalgoria, a.k.a Brad from H.R? Never!

Pretending is an important part in shaping the human brain and helping us to interpret the world as we see fit. It is an outlet for creativity and exploration and it should be utilized more commonly by the average adult. So, have a little fun today. Be a Jedi, build a fort, hunt and attack your burrito before you eat it... When it comes to pretending, the possibilities are truly endless and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations in which you may use the art of pretending include: fighting off demons with your nephew, getting through a given area without touching the ground because the ground is "lava", faking an orgasm, fighting off ninja warriors, acting sad when being told that your shitty boss died, using bunk beds as a pirate ship, an elaborate role play with your lover in which you arrange a meeting at a bowling alley and pretend that you don't know each other then going to get a hotel room for wild sex, etc.

I did so much pretending as a child that I had a hard time distinguishing between reality and fantasy. This was mostly due to the fact that I thought my name was "Pretend". My sister was constantly wanting to pretend and would do things like hand me a stick and say to me "Pretend this is a sword", and I would be a little confused because I was like "I think it's a stick, but ok." It got kind of scary sometimes...."Pretend you are dying". "I'm what?!?!?". Eventually we cleared up all the muck and I was able to embrace the world of pretend with much enthusiasm. After that I couldn't get from my bedroom to the bathroom without dodging explosives and slaying dragons.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for pretending". Unless you are one of these people that thinks that they can make millions by reading a book called "Get Rich in 30 Days" in which case you must say "I clearly am already living in a fantasy world."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 32 - Dancing

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dancing.

I don't know about most of you, but when I was in high school, if I hadn't been such a mind-blowingly gifted athlete awaiting football and basketball scholarships from Stanford as well as a plethora of ivy league schools, I probably would have pursued dancing.

I don't care if I'm dancing with myself, dancing in the dark, dancing this mess around, dirty dancing, or simply, as you crazy kids say these days, shakin' my milkshake...... chances are I'm having a better time than Polanski at a Pre-school. Life can be stressful, and that stress can sometimes be the culprit of an impending monkey fist in your neck. When this happens, it's time to let that hair down and dance it out, bitch.

Some situations that can lead you to dance may include: being on a lovely date, having ants in your pants, getting wasted at a wedding, getting wasted at a party, getting wasted in a pharmacy, listening to En Vogue while showering, scoring a winning touchdown (no stranger to that!), being a stripper, being friends with Danny Zuko, etc.

So many great songs have lyrics about dancing. Of course, a lot of people may argue that a lot of these songs are actually using dancing as a metaphor for sex.... let's take the song "Let's Pretend We're Married" by "Prince". In this song there are lines such as "I won't stop until the mornin' light. Let's pretend we're married and go all night." Now, it's pretty hard to convince someone that this song is talking only about dancing, but for the sake of radio play and children's ears, this is what people attempted to perceive this as. What you may not remember from the "radio" version of this song is that there is also the line "I sincerely wanna fuck the taste outta your mouth". Good luck trying to redirect the meaning of that one. The point is, the dance floor is a centriole of joy and when you have "libated" yourself enough to partake in this transcending experience, you will be forever thankful.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dancing." Unless you are still feeling a little timid and shy about getting out on that dance floor in which case you must say "Pssh, shit is stupid anyway...... dancing....... doesn't even look like fun............. jesus that girl is really grinding up against that guy's penis region........... is she taking her top off??.......... 2 tequilla shots and a pair of Capezios please!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 31 - Ninjas

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for Ninjas.

I was struck by quite the moment of hesitance when approaching this as a topic to share my thoughts on. Ninjas, or people who study the art of Ninjutsu, or known to some as the Shinobi, are a group that constantly falls victim to satirical and parodical forms of portrayal, and these days can seem to be a subject matter that has been capitalized on to a point of exhaustion. Even so, the word "Ninja" has been a part of my vocabulary since I was old enough to crawl across a dojo, and I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm not gonna put in my 2 cents.

Stealth; Honor; Discipline; Swordsmanship; Deadly; Awesome; Turtle. These are all words we think of when we hear the word "Ninja". It is a lifestyle that essentially no one has the patience to pursue, yet so many of us wish that we did. However, as much as we certainly do not possess the ideal characteristics of a Ninja, it does not mean that we cannot use some of the lessons that they have taught us. Whether you are crouching behind a car in a dark parking lot in an attempt to vanish, taking a karate stance in a drunken attempt at intimidation, or throwing a drink coaster like it was a Ninja star, you are harnessing the power of the Ninja, and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations in which the art of Ninjutsu may come in handy include: being aggressively surrounded by a group of katana wielding assassins, needing to transfer yourself from one building to another through the use of a grappling hook, being caught with another woman, getting back incorrect change from an incompetent cashier, battling with "girl" issues, having a backflip competition with your friends, playing hide and seek, dealing with the fact that everyone else gets to have a gun and you don't, etc.

In a world where evil doers run rampant, it's good to know that maybe somewhere there is a Ninja doing their exercises in a room where light is only provided by the glow of a thousand candles, and maybe, just maybe, he or she is about to embark on a multi-weaponed Ninja assassination rampage in which there will be many smoke bombs, backflips, neck breaking, Ninja star throwing, nunchuck chucking, and plenty of moonlit rooftop action. For this...... we can only hope. We can also only hope for the fact that said Ninja has a facebook page and is willing to keep us all informed of these missions through the use of photo albums and status updates.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for Ninjas". Unless you are a "bad guy" in which case you must say "Boy I sure am glad that nobody actually has the balls to be a Ninja assassin vigilante these days, but I'm still gonna keep my ass out of the shadows. Not just because of the Ninjas... I also happen to be afraid of leprechauns, killer ginger dolls, gremlins, and the thought of seeing a teletubby in the dark makes my testicles shrivel up like grapes in an industrial dehydrator."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 30 - Vomiting

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today i am thankful that I am not vomiting.

We all know the feeling. The malaise. The hopelessness. The utter unpleasantness. The miasmal presence of all things unholy and wrong. It truly is a full-on exorcism..... except for the shouting of lines like "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" Actually, who am I to say what you may or may not scream while ejecting your stomach matter? The point is, vomiting sucks something serious and when compared to projectile puking into your porcelain prince, most things seem pretty dandy.

Some situations which may cause you to vomit include: drinking alcohol to excess, drinking milk to excess, drinking anti-freeze in any amount, being told that oysters are an aphrodisiac and getting carried away, watching an 80 year old couple experimenting with kama sutra, putting your finger in your throat, putting a kitten in your throat, being a baby, chewing tobacco while on a carnival ride with your baseball friends in the 60's, etc.

It's amazing that something like the human body, which can be so beautiful on the outside, can be so unbelievably disgusting on the inside. Vomit, urine, poo, blood, bile....... we are all pretty much one big walking, talking collection of offensive constituents. So who wants to make out?

Anyway, back to being thankful....... Life can a be a battle sometimes. Certain days will feel as though they may never end and you may feel like kamikaze bombing your office building. However, I always find it much better to be bored or frustrated than to be vomiting. "Can't find my favorite pair of socks? At least I'm not vomiting." "My VHS tapes are working less and less every year and there's nothing I can do about it? At least I'm not vomiting." "Wait, did I give him the poison one?......... let's see... the poison one was on the left..... and mine..........mine.......... or was.......... Epicac! Where's the fucking Epicac!"

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not vomiting." Unless you are bulimic in which case you must say "God that cake was so fucking good. Seriously, so fucking good. Fuck. I love cake. Now excuse me while I go puke myself back to a size zero."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 29 - Language

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for language.

Me Jamie. Jamie like talk. Jamie happy about existence of structural verbal communication. I must say that the construction and evolution of human language is more complex than a bipolar woman on her period. Try and dissect that and you run the risk of exhausting your brain to the point of mandatory institutionalization.

My whole life revolves around words. I do not know what I would do without them. I guess I would spend most of my time clunking women over the head with a log and dragging them back to my cave. Language is truly an amazing thing. I can wrap my mind around the development of nouns and stuff like that. Point to a tree and decide..... "tree!". Simple enough. It's when you start trying to understand the creation of prepositions and conjunctions and all that jazz that things start to get a little overwhelming. Sure I could really delve into it and try to understand how it came to be..... or I could just be thankful for it and continue eating my bagel.

Some situations in which the use of language is required may include: ordering a sandwich at a delicatessen, cussing out a little league umpire, telling somebody that they have cream cheese on the side of their face, explaining to a police officer why you are in public with no pants on, describing the beauty of an orchid, yelling things behind a news reporter during a live broadcast, making inappropriate innuendos about "stress relief" to a coworker, etc.

A word. A word. My kingdom for a word. What would I do in thy absence oh fair and treasured language? Never leave me for I would be but a peasant without your presence upon thy breath. There really is nothing quite like a good conversation and we are one fortunate mother freakin' species to be able to experience this phenomenon. The fact that we can simply sit with one another and play mental ping pong for hours is worth more thanks than I know how to give. So, I will just say that I give it...... 287 thank yous.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today i am thankful for language". Unless you are in fact Helen Keller in which case you must say.......... oh......... right....... nothing............. sorry, Helen.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 28 - Surprises

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for surprises.

Yes yes. I am perfectly aware that you could argue the fact that all surprises are a good thing. Obviously we know that there is a big difference between "and then Dillon surprised me with an engagement ring. We are going to be so happy!" and "I was surprised to learn that my beautiful fiance had a penis. Do NOT be surprised if I accidentally hurl myself off of this cliff." You can certainly find a negative side to everything if you want to comb through the minutia of every topic, but I find life to be much more palatable when you stay on the positive side.

Surprises are wonderful for the sheer fact that they are unexpected. When you have no preconceived expectations for something then you do not run the risk of being let down. If your friends throw you a surprise party it doesn't matter if the party is awesome or not. Your heart will be so filled with warm nuggets of love that you will say to yourself "Well fuck my cock with a rose stem. There's more love in this room than an ecstasy fueled rave among alternative lifestyle teens. Break out the glow sticks, Jessie!" Surprises are the ultimate crowd pleaser and I'll be damned if I'm not thankful for them.

Some situations that may cause you to be surprised include: getting a promotion, winning the lottery, successfully tossing a banana peel from your car window into a trash can, being told that you have a large penis, seeing Corey Feldman in a current movie, thinking that your are drinking coffee and then being told that it's decaf, finding a bag of cash, grabbing a stripper inappropriately and being kicked out of the club (What?! I thought she liked me!), etc.

"Ding Dong! Who is it? It's UPS, I have a package for you"...... If everyone experienced this exchange every day I think that you would see a perpetual ocean of smiling faces. In fact, just writing about it has inspired me to order more things online. Even things that I could very easily pick up down the street... I'm just going to order them now, and every time the delivery man arrives I will greet him with a high five and a cookie. He would most likely love me, but if not then at least he would be able to tell his friends about the crazy guy that he delivers packages to. He might even start to refer to me with a cool nickname like "high five and cookie guy" or "guy I'm pretty sure wants to rape me." Either way it will still bring me joy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for surprises." Unless you have a weak heart and are susceptible to cardiac arrest in which case you must say "Do not EVER surprise me. What!? Do you want me to DIE?? My ex wife liked to surprise me. I hated it!! how about a heads up woman!! you insensitive bitch! all the time with the surprises! It's enough! ENOUUUUGH!! ENNOUUU.... oh there goes the left arm."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.