Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for surprises.
Yes yes. I am perfectly aware that you could argue the fact that all surprises are a good thing. Obviously we know that there is a big difference between "and then Dillon surprised me with an engagement ring. We are going to be so happy!" and "I was surprised to learn that my beautiful fiance had a penis. Do NOT be surprised if I accidentally hurl myself off of this cliff." You can certainly find a negative side to everything if you want to comb through the minutia of every topic, but I find life to be much more palatable when you stay on the positive side.
Surprises are wonderful for the sheer fact that they are unexpected. When you have no preconceived expectations for something then you do not run the risk of being let down. If your friends throw you a surprise party it doesn't matter if the party is awesome or not. Your heart will be so filled with warm nuggets of love that you will say to yourself "Well fuck my cock with a rose stem. There's more love in this room than an ecstasy fueled rave among alternative lifestyle teens. Break out the glow sticks, Jessie!" Surprises are the ultimate crowd pleaser and I'll be damned if I'm not thankful for them.
Some situations that may cause you to be surprised include: getting a promotion, winning the lottery, successfully tossing a banana peel from your car window into a trash can, being told that you have a large penis, seeing Corey Feldman in a current movie, thinking that your are drinking coffee and then being told that it's decaf, finding a bag of cash, grabbing a stripper inappropriately and being kicked out of the club (What?! I thought she liked me!), etc.
"Ding Dong! Who is it? It's UPS, I have a package for you"...... If everyone experienced this exchange every day I think that you would see a perpetual ocean of smiling faces. In fact, just writing about it has inspired me to order more things online. Even things that I could very easily pick up down the street... I'm just going to order them now, and every time the delivery man arrives I will greet him with a high five and a cookie. He would most likely love me, but if not then at least he would be able to tell his friends about the crazy guy that he delivers packages to. He might even start to refer to me with a cool nickname like "high five and cookie guy" or "guy I'm pretty sure wants to rape me." Either way it will still bring me joy.
So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for surprises." Unless you have a weak heart and are susceptible to cardiac arrest in which case you must say "Do not EVER surprise me. What!? Do you want me to DIE?? My ex wife liked to surprise me. I hated it!! how about a heads up woman!! you insensitive bitch! all the time with the surprises! It's enough! ENOUUUUGH!! ENNOUUU.... oh there goes the left arm."
Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.
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