Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today i am thankful that I am not vomiting.
We all know the feeling. The malaise. The hopelessness. The utter unpleasantness. The miasmal presence of all things unholy and wrong. It truly is a full-on exorcism..... except for the shouting of lines like "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" Actually, who am I to say what you may or may not scream while ejecting your stomach matter? The point is, vomiting sucks something serious and when compared to projectile puking into your porcelain prince, most things seem pretty dandy.
Some situations which may cause you to vomit include: drinking alcohol to excess, drinking milk to excess, drinking anti-freeze in any amount, being told that oysters are an aphrodisiac and getting carried away, watching an 80 year old couple experimenting with kama sutra, putting your finger in your throat, putting a kitten in your throat, being a baby, chewing tobacco while on a carnival ride with your baseball friends in the 60's, etc.
It's amazing that something like the human body, which can be so beautiful on the outside, can be so unbelievably disgusting on the inside. Vomit, urine, poo, blood, bile....... we are all pretty much one big walking, talking collection of offensive constituents. So who wants to make out?
Anyway, back to being thankful....... Life can a be a battle sometimes. Certain days will feel as though they may never end and you may feel like kamikaze bombing your office building. However, I always find it much better to be bored or frustrated than to be vomiting. "Can't find my favorite pair of socks? At least I'm not vomiting." "My VHS tapes are working less and less every year and there's nothing I can do about it? At least I'm not vomiting." "Wait, did I give him the poison one?......... let's see... the poison one was on the left..... and mine..........mine.......... or was.......... Epicac! Where's the fucking Epicac!"
So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not vomiting." Unless you are bulimic in which case you must say "God that cake was so fucking good. Seriously, so fucking good. Fuck. I love cake. Now excuse me while I go puke myself back to a size zero."
Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.
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