Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 53 - Learning

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for learning.

Learning - the cornerstone of human development. What a blessing it is to have a big, spongy ball of matter in our head that soaks up information. Personal development, or advancement, can truly be the most rewarding experience known to our species, and we should be ever so grateful that we are pretty damn good at it.

They say that you learn something new every day, which is true, but misleading. The fact of the matter is that we probably learn hundreds of new things every day. I probably learned 20 new things in the first half hour of my day just by catching a few minutes of the news and by having a brief conversation while getting my coffee. Information is constantly being thrown at us and the amount of time that we spend taking in, storing, and disposing cognitive information is outstanding. By the way, did you know that Bill Murray was bitten twice by the groundhog on the set of "Groundhog Day"?

Some situations in which you can learn something may include: paying attention during social studies, reading an article about NYPD tactics, having sex after 12 shots of tequila, tagging along on a heist, trying on clothes of the opposite sex, poking something with a stick, having an in depth conversation with a homeless person, experimenting with muffin recipes, taking a hip-hop dance class with your homies, etc.

Learning is the acquiring of new knowledge, and though it is true that we learn something new every day, it does not mean that we retain all of that information. People have extremely selective memories, which is why some things we remember and some we do not. We may have spent 6 months in school learning about anatomy and still not know a damn thing about digestive enzymes produced by the pancreas even though it was pounded into our heads over and over. Yet, for some reason, we never forget that thing that someone told us once about ninjas at the age of 8. All it took was one time and it's burned into our brain. The point is, it feels good to learn, and even though information will always find you, it doesn't hurt to seek it out every once in a while. So go learn something! You may remember it forever, you may encode it somewhere in your brain for later retrieval, or you may forget it completely, but at least you tried.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for learning." Unless you have a highly underdeveloped brain and retain very little information which also tends to be incredibly selective in which case you must say "I think he was talking about ninjas....."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 52 - Anxiety

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for anxiety.

When experiencing a state of heightened anxiety you may not be thinking "I am thankful for this", but.... maybe you should. Imagine a life in which you never feel anxious. It seems like somewhat of a mundane existence. In many cases, anxiety comes partner to feelings of excitement, which tells us that we should embrace this seemingly unpleasant feeling and appreciate the blessing of it's cause.

Many people would associate anxiety with fear, which they should not do. One of the biggest differences between the two is that fear pertains to the present as anxiety pertains to the future. This is important in the sense that this tells us that fear is something experienced during an uncontrollable situation and anxiety is experienced as a result of something that has not happened yet, meaning that it can be controlled. For instance, you may experience fear when tied to a railroad track while a train is barreling down on you. There's not much you can do in this situation other than start vigorously nibbling at your restraints. On the other side of things, you may feel anxiety when driving your car with someone in your trunk who you intend to tie to a railroad track. Which boat would you rather be in?...... That's what I thought.

Some situations in which you can experience anxiety may include: proposing to your girlfriend, proposing to your friend's girlfriend, picking out a dress for the dance, giving a speech at a "Furries" convention, hearing the music speed up while playing Mario, the first day at a new job, pitching your idea for a reality show about "virgin males who aren't allowed to masturbate while sharing a house with pornstars" to a network, singing a Minnie Riperton song at your parents' wedding vow renewal ceremony, etc.

Anxiety is something that everyone has to deal with on some level. It will never go away so the best thing to do is learn to love it. If you spend your life trying to avoid doing things that cause anxiety then you are restricting your personal growth and hindering your chances for life changing opportunities and experiences. Go forth into the night, my friends.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for anxiety." Unless you suffer from an extreme case of Social Anxiety Disorder in which case you must say "I don't know how I could ever be thankful for anxiety when I can't answer the phone without sweating. The only thing I fear more than human interaction is palindromes. I just don't have the stomach for them" "God, a red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!" Crazy.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 51 - Dates

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dates.

Whether you're sharing an intimate evening with a significant other, feeling out a new candidate for possible courtship, or simply sharing a cheese platter with your platonic friend whom will never abide to your fantasies of carnal pleasure, dates can be a beautiful, deep dish slice of life.

The company. The ambiance. The timeless, warm decor of your favorite smokehouse - all of the accoutrements of a perfect date night. Sure, from time to time we can get a few butterflies in our baskets, but what's life without the occasional line drive at our nerves. Just remember to be polite, be yourself, listen, don't bring up sex toys before appetizers, and don't flirt with your server. At least, not too much.... Follow these guidelines and you've got the bulk of the ingredients needed for a fantastic date, and for that you should be thankful.

Some situations that you can experience while on a date may include: giggling like a schoolgirl, wondering if there is something in your teeth, showing off your juggling skills, wishing that alcohol wasn't so expensive, drinking great amounts of alcohol in an attempt to forget about how expensive it is, watching a scary movie, being super excited about a cuddle initiation, finding out that your date is married, questioning your morals, starting to feel like you've been setup, thinking that becoming a double agent was a risky idea, making cookies, having an amazing time, etc.

When talking about dates there is one thing that always comes to mind. The goodnight kiss. When is it going to happen? Will it happen at all? Is a boob grab inappropriate? The answers are always going to be - Don't know, Don't know, and...... follow your instincts. The best thing to remember is that, chances are, your date is thinking about it as well, and unless the night was a total disaster or if one of you has recently vomited then I would say go ahead and lunge! Then top it off with a smooth line like "mmmm just like your sister."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dates." Unless you feel that dating is for pathetic pea-brains in a hopeless search for love in which case you must say "You people are all just sick masochists. Don't you see what love and relationships do to people? It's a path to self destruction! God I really hate that Hugh Grant."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 50 - Comebacks

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for comebacks.

When I say "comeback", I am not referring to a witty retort to an insult starting with "Yea, well the Jerk Store called....". What I am referring to is the act of a magnificent return or revitalization.

In America we have a sick tendency to almost root for the failure of people at the top. We see a subject of great stature starting a slow downward spiral and we fuel that fire like a group of boiler room workers on the Titanic. However, one thing that we love more than watching someone or somethings demise is watching it's glorious comeback. It gives us joy to root for something, and it makes us feel good when there is hope for a second chance.

Some things that I would like to see make a comeback include: Discos, afros, pogs, Jeremy Piven's receding hairline, PG movies that have a surprising amount of foul language, Kris Kross, $5.00 movie tickets, rollerblading, Sifl & Olly, Pauly Shore, the Wayans Bros, using the word "Not!" penny loafers, my ability to drink without getting hangovers, etc.

Some things that I would NOT like to see make a comeback include: Jnco jeans, The Verve Pipe, Sex and the City (just stop already), parachute pants, "Wassssuuuuup!", Homeboys in Outer Space, Surge, god awful sequels, big hair, my pubescent inability to control my erections, etc.

We may live in a world that is littered with "has beens" and "never will bes", but we also happen to live in a world with a handful of "Kotters" waiting to be told "Welcome back!" When it comes to comebacks it's hard to make predictions, but they are as sure to happen as an M. Night twist. So, keep a look out, because something from your past is preparing to pounce you like a lion in heat.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for comebacks." Unless you have been awaiting your comeback for so long that hope is but a grain of sand on a horizonless beach in which case you must say "Why Keanu?! I don't understand! It was Bill and Ted! Not Ted and Bill! What about ME?!?! What about Bill!!!.... The Matrix is stupid anyway. There's no way that those sunglasses would stay on their faces throughout all of that."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 49 - Wheels

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for wheels.

For many people, it is easy to simply step over the brilliance of the invention of the wheel much like it was a drunk bum in front of your local Cold Stone Creamery. However, as simple as it may seem, we all know that hindsight is 20/20. The invention of the wheel was like a riddle that someone asks you that has the most simple and obvious answer, yet you dig down to the most cavernous depths of your mind in search of a solution to no avail. Then when you hear the answer you say to yourself "wow I'm stupid".

It was so unobvious, in fact, that human beings roamed the earth for nearly 150,000 years before the wheel came to fruition in any form. Even then it was thousands and thousands of years before the wheel was ever properly developed in the use of transportation. Then there was the undying evolution of the wheel from using stone, to wood, to using axles, the spoked wheel, the use of metals, the steel rim, the tire, etc. It went on and on and to this day we still find new ways to improve these whirling wonders. So while you may feel that the wheel aint no big deal, then riddle me this - I make things float like a butterfly, and I look like a plate. Things are much easier when I begin to gyrate. You can find me on a car. You can find me on a truck. If it wasn't for me I think you'd all be fucked. What am I?

Some situations in which the use of wheels is present can include: competing in a pinewood derby, getting a drive-thru chili dog, graciously rolling in your computer chair from one desk to another to grab a file, driving to the hospital after getting too careless with your computer chair maneuvers, rollerblading, skateboarding, unicycling, street luging, steering a boat, buying a vowel, grocery shopping, mowing a lawn, taking a hayride, synchronized segway dancing, etc.

In the words of Paul McCartney, "I can't tell you how I feel. My heart is like a wheel. Let me roll it to you." Let me roll it to you indeed! Paul knows that wheels, even when used metaphorically, make things easier. And if you can't trust a "Beatle", then I don't know who to trust anymore. That's why I bow down and give it up for the blessing of our own perfect circle.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for wheels." Unless continuous circular motion makes you nervous in which case you must say " I don't trust anything that has no end. Circle or not. I don't even like this whole "bottomless coffee" thing. It's just sick. I like coffee just fine, but come on folks let's set a limit."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 48 - Adventures

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for adventures.

A great Captain, who had a hook for a hand as a result of a pesky flying boy and a hungry crocodile, once said "Death is the only great adventure I have left." There is sadness and beauty in this expression of the high seas. You may think that these are the woeful words of a withering old swashbuckler, but it's really just a falsely bleak declaration of a man who has seen and done it all - women, travel, top notch education, victory, defeat, hostile takeover, money, murder, danger, success.... Adventure!!

The power and brilliance of adventure comes from it's uncertainty. One of the main laws of adventure seeking is being willing to accept an undetermined outcome. It is a game of risk, and that is what makes it appealing and frightening. Fear, being our most primal emotion, has as much affect on our bodies as it does our minds. In a moment of fear our bodies produce extraordinary amounts of adrenaline and our heart rate rises. This reaction can cause the enhancement of certain senses while dulling others. Maybe we virtually lose our hearing and momentarily develop super sight enabling us to slow down our perception of the world around us and move like a cheetah. It happens... and it happens during adventures.

Some adventures that you may experience in your lifetime, should you choose to do so, may include: searching for buried treasure, seeking revenge on the men who killed your wife and cat, having sex in a movie theater, saving the lost ark from the hands of nazis, taking a stab at the rubik's cube, taking a stab at stabbing someone who's trying to stab you in a stable, walking a tightrope between the twin towers, swimming with sharks, swimming with lions, swimming with Emilio Estevez, starting up a pajama company, building your own go kart, telling someone that you love them...... in the rain...... while you both have guns pointed at each other, etc.

The time to take action is upon us, my friends. It is time to spin in circles in the middle of the road in your quaint fishing town while screaming "What are you waiting for!!!?? What are you waiting fooooorrrr??!!" Yea? So smash open that piggy bank, pack some PB&J's and take that adventure that's been prodding at your mind like a little fat boy with a stick who's just found a dead body in the marsh. It's never too late!..... Unless it's after dark. Then you should probably just sleep on it. It's dangerous out there.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for adventures." Unless you simply can't go on adventures due to your dog, Coatsy, and your cat, Mitten, in which case you should say "Who went poopoo on the card table??!! Was that you Mitten? It must have been! No way Coatsy could get up there. Bad! That's a bad Mitten! Bad Mitten! haha....... Badminton.......... shuttle cock."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 47 - Parties

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for parties.

Ooooohhhhh snap dragon. Today we are talking about parties, and unless you are a pusillanimous shut-in with an action figure collection of unmatched proportions, then the chances are that you too are thankful for parties.

When you have an insurmountable hunger for nocturnal exploits, nothing is as metaphorically hearty as a party. It is an experience that we naturally pine for. From playing that newly acquired song in your itunes while getting ready and doing your "mirror poses", to drinking tequila even though you said you wouldn't, to arriving home much too late for your own good, to waking up hungover and breaking for that glass of ice water that may as well have been sent from angels..... everything is a crucial ingredient in properly treating our kicking and screaming party bug. What can I say? I'm a clown, and parties are my rodeo.

Some situations that you can experience while attending a party may include: taking a shot with someone you haven't seen since high school, having a conversation about how awesome Madonna is, being profoundly mesmerized by a jam session consisting of drunk people making instruments out of kitchen appliances, finally realizing what the phrase "a stupid is as stupid does" actually means, looking for a friend who got the hiccups and then disappeared, finding deep appreciation for gatherings with "open bar", saying to someone "we really need to hang out more. I miss you.", getting into an impromptu freestyle battle or beatbox session, drunkenly making out with someone while thinking to yourself "man, I really have to pee, but if I tell them that will it totally ruin the moment? Will they even be here when I get back? Did I just drink a beer that had a cigarette butt in it?", etc.

Going to a party is kind of like going to church. You go to drink, to sing, to listen to stories, it's just as much about social obligation as anything else, and slap me and call me sally if there isn't a legion of people out there that consider beer a religion. I don't want to go too far with these beliefs, but all I'm saying is that in the church of the heavy clam bake..... call me pastor, and this is my sermon.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for parties." Unless you have extreme social anxiety and cannot handle the party scene in which case you must say "and I told bill...be.. because they moved my desk 4 times and I used to be over by the window and I could see the squirrels and they were married....but I kept my stapler, and... and if they take my stapler again then... then I.. I'm gonna set the building on fire."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.