Daily Thanks - Day 32 - Dancing

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dancing.

I don't know about most of you, but when I was in high school, if I hadn't been such a mind-blowingly gifted athlete awaiting football and basketball scholarships from Stanford as well as a plethora of ivy league schools, I probably would have pursued dancing.

I don't care if I'm dancing with myself, dancing in the dark, dancing this mess around, dirty dancing, or simply, as you crazy kids say these days, shakin' my milkshake...... chances are I'm having a better time than Polanski at a Pre-school. Life can be stressful, and that stress can sometimes be the culprit of an impending monkey fist in your neck. When this happens, it's time to let that hair down and dance it out, bitch.

Some situations that can lead you to dance may include: being on a lovely date, having ants in your pants, getting wasted at a wedding, getting wasted at a party, getting wasted in a pharmacy, listening to En Vogue while showering, scoring a winning touchdown (no stranger to that!), being a stripper, being friends with Danny Zuko, etc.

So many great songs have lyrics about dancing. Of course, a lot of people may argue that a lot of these songs are actually using dancing as a metaphor for sex.... let's take the song "Let's Pretend We're Married" by "Prince". In this song there are lines such as "I won't stop until the mornin' light. Let's pretend we're married and go all night." Now, it's pretty hard to convince someone that this song is talking only about dancing, but for the sake of radio play and children's ears, this is what people attempted to perceive this as. What you may not remember from the "radio" version of this song is that there is also the line "I sincerely wanna fuck the taste outta your mouth". Good luck trying to redirect the meaning of that one. The point is, the dance floor is a centriole of joy and when you have "libated" yourself enough to partake in this transcending experience, you will be forever thankful.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dancing." Unless you are still feeling a little timid and shy about getting out on that dance floor in which case you must say "Pssh, shit is stupid anyway...... dancing....... doesn't even look like fun............. jesus that girl is really grinding up against that guy's penis region........... is she taking her top off??.......... 2 tequilla shots and a pair of Capezios please!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 31 - Ninjas

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for Ninjas.

I was struck by quite the moment of hesitance when approaching this as a topic to share my thoughts on. Ninjas, or people who study the art of Ninjutsu, or known to some as the Shinobi, are a group that constantly falls victim to satirical and parodical forms of portrayal, and these days can seem to be a subject matter that has been capitalized on to a point of exhaustion. Even so, the word "Ninja" has been a part of my vocabulary since I was old enough to crawl across a dojo, and I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm not gonna put in my 2 cents.

Stealth; Honor; Discipline; Swordsmanship; Deadly; Awesome; Turtle. These are all words we think of when we hear the word "Ninja". It is a lifestyle that essentially no one has the patience to pursue, yet so many of us wish that we did. However, as much as we certainly do not possess the ideal characteristics of a Ninja, it does not mean that we cannot use some of the lessons that they have taught us. Whether you are crouching behind a car in a dark parking lot in an attempt to vanish, taking a karate stance in a drunken attempt at intimidation, or throwing a drink coaster like it was a Ninja star, you are harnessing the power of the Ninja, and for this we should be thankful.

Some situations in which the art of Ninjutsu may come in handy include: being aggressively surrounded by a group of katana wielding assassins, needing to transfer yourself from one building to another through the use of a grappling hook, being caught with another woman, getting back incorrect change from an incompetent cashier, battling with "girl" issues, having a backflip competition with your friends, playing hide and seek, dealing with the fact that everyone else gets to have a gun and you don't, etc.

In a world where evil doers run rampant, it's good to know that maybe somewhere there is a Ninja doing their exercises in a room where light is only provided by the glow of a thousand candles, and maybe, just maybe, he or she is about to embark on a multi-weaponed Ninja assassination rampage in which there will be many smoke bombs, backflips, neck breaking, Ninja star throwing, nunchuck chucking, and plenty of moonlit rooftop action. For this...... we can only hope. We can also only hope for the fact that said Ninja has a facebook page and is willing to keep us all informed of these missions through the use of photo albums and status updates.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for Ninjas". Unless you are a "bad guy" in which case you must say "Boy I sure am glad that nobody actually has the balls to be a Ninja assassin vigilante these days, but I'm still gonna keep my ass out of the shadows. Not just because of the Ninjas... I also happen to be afraid of leprechauns, killer ginger dolls, gremlins, and the thought of seeing a teletubby in the dark makes my testicles shrivel up like grapes in an industrial dehydrator."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 30 - Vomiting

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today i am thankful that I am not vomiting.

We all know the feeling. The malaise. The hopelessness. The utter unpleasantness. The miasmal presence of all things unholy and wrong. It truly is a full-on exorcism..... except for the shouting of lines like "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" Actually, who am I to say what you may or may not scream while ejecting your stomach matter? The point is, vomiting sucks something serious and when compared to projectile puking into your porcelain prince, most things seem pretty dandy.

Some situations which may cause you to vomit include: drinking alcohol to excess, drinking milk to excess, drinking anti-freeze in any amount, being told that oysters are an aphrodisiac and getting carried away, watching an 80 year old couple experimenting with kama sutra, putting your finger in your throat, putting a kitten in your throat, being a baby, chewing tobacco while on a carnival ride with your baseball friends in the 60's, etc.

It's amazing that something like the human body, which can be so beautiful on the outside, can be so unbelievably disgusting on the inside. Vomit, urine, poo, blood, bile....... we are all pretty much one big walking, talking collection of offensive constituents. So who wants to make out?

Anyway, back to being thankful....... Life can a be a battle sometimes. Certain days will feel as though they may never end and you may feel like kamikaze bombing your office building. However, I always find it much better to be bored or frustrated than to be vomiting. "Can't find my favorite pair of socks? At least I'm not vomiting." "My VHS tapes are working less and less every year and there's nothing I can do about it? At least I'm not vomiting." "Wait, did I give him the poison one?......... let's see... the poison one was on the left..... and mine..........mine.......... or was.......... Epicac! Where's the fucking Epicac!"

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not vomiting." Unless you are bulimic in which case you must say "God that cake was so fucking good. Seriously, so fucking good. Fuck. I love cake. Now excuse me while I go puke myself back to a size zero."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 29 - Language

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for language.

Me Jamie. Jamie like talk. Jamie happy about existence of structural verbal communication. I must say that the construction and evolution of human language is more complex than a bipolar woman on her period. Try and dissect that and you run the risk of exhausting your brain to the point of mandatory institutionalization.

My whole life revolves around words. I do not know what I would do without them. I guess I would spend most of my time clunking women over the head with a log and dragging them back to my cave. Language is truly an amazing thing. I can wrap my mind around the development of nouns and stuff like that. Point to a tree and decide..... "tree!". Simple enough. It's when you start trying to understand the creation of prepositions and conjunctions and all that jazz that things start to get a little overwhelming. Sure I could really delve into it and try to understand how it came to be..... or I could just be thankful for it and continue eating my bagel.

Some situations in which the use of language is required may include: ordering a sandwich at a delicatessen, cussing out a little league umpire, telling somebody that they have cream cheese on the side of their face, explaining to a police officer why you are in public with no pants on, describing the beauty of an orchid, yelling things behind a news reporter during a live broadcast, making inappropriate innuendos about "stress relief" to a coworker, etc.

A word. A word. My kingdom for a word. What would I do in thy absence oh fair and treasured language? Never leave me for I would be but a peasant without your presence upon thy breath. There really is nothing quite like a good conversation and we are one fortunate mother freakin' species to be able to experience this phenomenon. The fact that we can simply sit with one another and play mental ping pong for hours is worth more thanks than I know how to give. So, I will just say that I give it...... 287 thank yous.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today i am thankful for language". Unless you are in fact Helen Keller in which case you must say.......... oh......... right....... nothing............. sorry, Helen.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 28 - Surprises

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for surprises.

Yes yes. I am perfectly aware that you could argue the fact that all surprises are a good thing. Obviously we know that there is a big difference between "and then Dillon surprised me with an engagement ring. We are going to be so happy!" and "I was surprised to learn that my beautiful fiance had a penis. Do NOT be surprised if I accidentally hurl myself off of this cliff." You can certainly find a negative side to everything if you want to comb through the minutia of every topic, but I find life to be much more palatable when you stay on the positive side.

Surprises are wonderful for the sheer fact that they are unexpected. When you have no preconceived expectations for something then you do not run the risk of being let down. If your friends throw you a surprise party it doesn't matter if the party is awesome or not. Your heart will be so filled with warm nuggets of love that you will say to yourself "Well fuck my cock with a rose stem. There's more love in this room than an ecstasy fueled rave among alternative lifestyle teens. Break out the glow sticks, Jessie!" Surprises are the ultimate crowd pleaser and I'll be damned if I'm not thankful for them.

Some situations that may cause you to be surprised include: getting a promotion, winning the lottery, successfully tossing a banana peel from your car window into a trash can, being told that you have a large penis, seeing Corey Feldman in a current movie, thinking that your are drinking coffee and then being told that it's decaf, finding a bag of cash, grabbing a stripper inappropriately and being kicked out of the club (What?! I thought she liked me!), etc.

"Ding Dong! Who is it? It's UPS, I have a package for you"...... If everyone experienced this exchange every day I think that you would see a perpetual ocean of smiling faces. In fact, just writing about it has inspired me to order more things online. Even things that I could very easily pick up down the street... I'm just going to order them now, and every time the delivery man arrives I will greet him with a high five and a cookie. He would most likely love me, but if not then at least he would be able to tell his friends about the crazy guy that he delivers packages to. He might even start to refer to me with a cool nickname like "high five and cookie guy" or "guy I'm pretty sure wants to rape me." Either way it will still bring me joy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for surprises." Unless you have a weak heart and are susceptible to cardiac arrest in which case you must say "Do not EVER surprise me. What!? Do you want me to DIE?? My ex wife liked to surprise me. I hated it!! how about a heads up woman!! you insensitive bitch! all the time with the surprises! It's enough! ENOUUUUGH!! ENNOUUU.... oh there goes the left arm."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 27 - Smiles

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for smiles.

If there is anything that is worth more words than a picture, it's a smile. What is it about this effervescent crescent on a human's face that makes us feel as though we could just twist the night away like Sam Cooke? I don't know and I don't care, but once someone flashes you those pearly whites it brings feelings of joy which could never be satiated.

I have a friend that pretty much has a permanent smile tattooed on his face. His nickname, for lack of creativity, is "Smiley". In fact, most people could not tell you his real name even after knowing him for years. Smiley is the kind of guy that you want to be around all the time because of this disposition. He projects jubilation at all times and you can't have a conversation with him without joining him in his world of sugar plum fairies and candy cane forests. The conclusion that we get from this is that smiles make people happy and for that we should be ever so thankful.

Some situations that may lead you to smile include: watching a puppy play with yarn, finding a radical prize in your cereal box, leaping over a large puddle of which success was disputable, getting things for free, playing air hockey with Robin Williams, getting back all test results "negative", eating a transcending foie gras appetizer, successfully singing or rapping all the lyrics to a song with a friend, etc.

Some situations that may NOT lead you to smile include: getting kicked in the face by a horse, thinking that there was one more stair, wanting a coke and getting diet coke, peeing shoulder to shoulder at a troth, not being able to remember an actors name, walking in on an old man powdering his genital region, shaking a hand that is wet for some reason, having an itch but it's like you don't know where it is and you can't successfully scratch it and feel like you are insane, etc.

I recently read about a guy who dedicated his whole life to studying every detail of human facial expressions. I mean serious dedication. There are an astonishing amount of facial expressions and combinations that humans are capable of and this guy has a log and a name for every single one. Such as, dilating the nostrils is called A.U. 38. He spent the majority of his life sitting around with another doctor and learning how to make every expression and documenting them. An interesting discovery that he made was that when sitting around learning and performing facial expressions of grief or anger he would start to feel grief or anger. What this shows us is that just by making the expressions associated with a feeling can actually change our moods. So if you are ever feeling blue, just smile. Fake it 'til you make it my friends.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for smiles". Unless you are one of those people that just simply seems too cool to smile in which case you must say "it's not that I'm too cool to smile.... It's just........ I got this killa up inside of me. I can't talk to my motha so I talk to my diary." oooh rap music.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 26 - Taking Chances

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for taking chances.

I'm feeling inspired and when you're feeling inspired you take chances. The chance that I'm taking today is writing about something inspiring...... which is taking chances.

To jump or not to jump. To take that last shot of tequila or listen to Randy and spring for a Dasani. To put on a condom or believe her when she says that she is in fact a virgin who just happens to take the pill. "Something in this room is growing and it's not in my pants. It's on your face." Every day we must face these decisions much like a matador faces a bull. All we can do is stare our predicament in the eyes and hope that we move in the right direction at the right time. But a colossal crimson cloth of guidance we do not behold. A sequined suit of sovereignty we do not sport. We only have our instinct and our gut as our counsel but we should be thankful for the rush we get from drawing that chance card.

Some situations that may lead you to taking a chance include: being a questionable distance from a yellow light, having to move your bowels on a first date, being offered a job located in a place that you can't pronounce, falling in love with a different species, being offered a "happy ending" from Yukiko, dropping a delicious 3 dollar cupcake on the ground in a parking lot, admitting that you do, from time to time, purchase cupcakes with pink frosting and then go have a beer to make you feel like a man again, etc.

If we go our whole lives without taking chances then we might as well deepthroat the barrel of a shotgun because that ain't livin' my friend. I encourage you all, the next time you want to say no, to say yes. You never know what it may lead to. However, if a strange man ever walks up to you on the street with a flask and says "Hey buddy, do me a favor and take a swig of this and tell me if it's whiskey or urine. I can't tell anymore," then in this case you have my blessing to tell him "No, Thank you" and then be gingerly on your way.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for taking chances." Unless you are the type of person that would take a chance, get into trouble because of it, then try and sue me due to my sprightly yet persuasive writing abilities in which case you must say "You know....... you sue ONE guy for seemingly selfish reasons and people treat you like a criminal. Yea I did break into the guy's house to rape his wife but come on.... I could have killed myself on that slippery tile in the entrance hall."

So remember boys and girls, if you don't gamble you can't lose...... but you also can't win much either.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 25 - Gifts

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for gifts.

Gifts. We give them. We receive them. We love them. We sometimes hate them. But no matter what, gifts will always have a special place in everyones heart. It's our little way of saying "I'd like to give you this unopened radio/weather reporter that I found under a pile of chalky tote bags in my attic in hopes that in return you have something much more thoughtful for me like a baby koala, an ivory crossbow, or I can simply accept cash or check."

Gifts are a wonderful thing because the possibilities are endless. You can get creative or play it safe. You can spend a lot or spend a little. You can even spend nothing at all. A little light in the pockets this year? Time to put those origami skills to the test. Don't have any paper? Time to start handing out coupons for sexual favors and massages. Don't worry. You're not technically a prostitute if you're doing it for free.......

Some situations that may lead you to give or receive a gift include: Birthdays, Christmas, Hanukah, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentines Day, Flag Day, Judgement Day, Independence Day, Groundhog Day, Training Day, Day of the Dead, Dog Day Afternoon, The Day After Tomorrow, Die Another Day, Baby's Day Out, The Day the Earth Stood Still.......... what was I talking about?

Sure, sometimes the gifts that you receive don't always strike your fancy and you may think to yourself "this is from someone who may be giving me gifts for the next 40 years. Do I really want them to think that I like XL Denim button-downs? Should I say something? They're just wasting their money." However, what you have to ask yourself at that point is "What is a gift, really?" I say it's simply someone plunking down some odd amount of dollars in order to sufficiently dose themselves with 6 cc's of satisfaction. It makes us feel good to give a gift and it's always a pleasure to receive them even if you have to deal with a couple of lemons.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for gifts". Unless your name is Santa Claus and the only gifts you receive are a couple of stale cookies that make you shake your belly like bowl o' jelly in which case you must say "do me a favor would you and stick with laying out the Snack Wells this year. Only one, please. They may be low in fat but they can also remain high in calories and I don't like to over indulge. Besides, Blitzen is getting a little weak in the knees."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 24 - Switches, Buttons & Levers

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for switches, buttons and levers.

The mind of a child functions in a more simplistic fashion. A naive and innocent system that lies helpless at the alluring beckon of temptation and pines for instant gratification. As a child, and also at times as an adult, there is nothing quite like the temptation of a big fat button. Just peaking into a cockpit has the same effect on ones brain as a top shelf stripper has on a 14 year olds penis. Instant mental erection.

Words such as Execute, Initiate, Start, Stop, Launch, Self Destruct, Blast Off, Begin Sequence, and the ever famous DO NOT PUSH are all words associated with the power of a switch, button or lever and for whatever reason we have an impending impulse to want to feel this power in our finger tips by flicking, pressing and cranking these captivating controls of commencement. Therefore, I shall bow my brow and say "thanks, merci and gracias" for giving us the opportunity to feel this desire.

Some situations that may lead you to having your way with a switch, button or lever include: opening a garage door, being an executioner, detonating a bomb, being a character on Loony Toons, working as a roller-coaster operator, driving a really nice Lexus, being a 00 Agent, attending Space Camp, being an impulsive and undisciplined child, seeing a "Big Red Button" of which has undisclosed purpose, etc.

KISS is an acronym that is taught in the fields of art/design/photography/ advertisement/etc. which stands for "Keep It Simple, Stupid." It is supposed to encourage people to keep things simplistic in the light of "less is more". This can certainly be true, but sometimes I wish that some things were WAY more complicated. There is just no luster in turning a key to start my car anymore. Sometimes I wish that it was a whole process involving metal toggles above my head, switches by me knees and buttons galore. I think that one of the most satisfying spectacles to witness is someone flicking multiple identical switches in a row with each flick illuminating a corresponding light. I want that in my life! Maybe one day my dream will come to fruition, but for now it still brings much joy just to know that these things are out there.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for switches, buttons, and levers." Unless you find this entire topic to be a mundane, incomprehensible and completely ridiculous form of immature self gratification in which case you must say "Do your parents sometimes wish that they would have just adopted?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 23 - Color

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for color.

Color is an amazing thing. Especially when considering the fact that if it weren't for our eyeballs, colors wouldn't even exist. Colors are simply our brain's interpretation of light reflections. If there were no such thing as the human eye, or any other eye that has our advanced rod and cone light receptors, an apple would obviously still exist, but it would be neither red nor green. It would just "be". It's kind of like the whole, "if a tree falls in the woods but there is no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound?" I say yes, because sound is vibration and vibration is movement, but color is, in some sense.... nothing.... and EVERYTHING! Color is like an oscar winning performance from Daniel Day Lewis. A seemingly effortless arrayal of flourished excellence that is layered with fervency and brilliance...... and kind of scary.

Color is something that fascinates humans in so many ways. Starting with infancy we develop these associations to feelings and emotions through color. Such as pink or red reminding us of love, or yellow and gold reminding us of happiness and positivity, or tye dye reminding us of excessive drug use, free sex and instrumental reverberation. Color is a magical thing that provides us with so much more than we take into consideration, and we should be thankful.

Some situations in which the use of color should be appreciated include: decorating your breakfast nook, plating a salmon and vegetable medley dish for your in-laws, identifying a poisonous snake, locating your nearest emergency exit, differentiating between having "flower power" or just "being big", selecting an ipod that "suits you", knowing whether you have been doused in just water or a bucket of pigs blood in which case it is time to kill everybody through the use of telekinesis "They're all gonna laugh at you!!", etc.

We use color as a form a self expression and identification. It is a guide for our field of vision and in certain situations can draw ones eye as compellingly as a buxom blonde in a wet t-shirt. Or for the other side of things, someone resemblant of brad pitt wearing nothing but a sock. In "my eyes", it is a universal and intergalactic language that will continue to provide us with joy for all eternity.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for colors." Unless you are color blind in which case you must say "Where the fuck is Waldo!!??"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 22 - Land Dwelling

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I live on land.

I don't care what that adorable, Caribbean dialectic crab from The Little Mermaid says. I don't think it's better down where it's wetter and I don't think it's hotter under the water. In fact, I think it's worser and colder and I am happy to not live there. We should all feel blessed that we can trot the globe freely and that we could walk 500 hundred miles if we wanted. Maybe even walk 500 more...... just to BE THE MAN WHO.... ok.

If that little chapter of evolution is correct, and at some point a crazy monkey-fish did walk out of the ocean on his lunch break to give it the old college try above sea level..... then thank you, evolution! Now we live in a world of endless land dwelling possibilities and that ain't nothin' to sneeze at.

Some ways to utilize the blessing of being a land dwelling homosapien include: playing kickball, eating cotton candy, throwing a ninja star, watching women's volleyball, drawing an arbol tree in the spring with semi-soft charcoal, using a stun gun, building a fort, seeing who can balance on a log the longest, base jumping from a clock tower, listening to the smooth sounds of Morgan Freeman's voice, etc.

Don't get me wrong, the ocean is a beautiful and wondrous place and I'm glad that it's there. I just don't want to live in it. Even that halfway point which was illustrated in "Water World" with Kevin Costner where people are living above water on boats but there doesn't seem to be land anywhere.... Sure you'd get your daily dose of sunshine and all the tuna you could eat.... but no thanks. In fact, if someone told me that I could either strip down naked and dive into a wild pack of hungry wolves, or live on a boat surrounded by infinite water with Kevin Coster, I'd rather take my...... "Chances with Wolves".

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I live on land." Unless you actually live under water in which case you must say "I'm surrounded by nymphomanic mermaids all day so I don't know what you're complaining about, but good lord are my hands pruned like a bitch!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 21 - Hugs

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for hugs.

Someone once told me that the combination of chocolate and peanut butter caused the same chemical reaction in the brain as a hug. If that's true then everyone should keep a peanut butter cup on hand because nothing gives any old John or Jane the warm and fuzzies like this rhapsodical embrace that we call a hug. For this reason, we should bow our heads, close our eyes, remove our pants and give thanks.

Hugs are a deal sealer. A finalizer. A way of saying "I love you, man" or "thanks for the queso dip" or "I was going to sleep with you, but you bite too hard so maybe we should just be friends." The possibilities are endless and it's something that is too beautiful to adequately scribe.

Some situations that may result with hugs include: scoring a winning touchdown, giving someone a mix cd, anything involving alcoholic consumption, engagements & marriages, a solid team effort in building a canoe, being the best "dance crew", surviving an intense turbulence scare, saving a litter of kittens from the rain, saying something along the lines of "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart." etc.

Some situations that may NOT result with hugs include: missing a lay-up, shopping at hot topic, dropping a baby, adding too much garlic, sleeping with your wife's brother, typing in "ALL CAPS", forgetting to take the pill, getting caught cheating at Scategories, being asked questions about the drink you ordered and not knowing the answers. "Yea i'll have that.. uhh..... neat.......up..... and dry...... no wait. wet........ with a....... twist? on the rocks and dirty.......... You know what I'll just have a Coors." etc.

LL Cool J made a name for himself as a rapper with a song entitled "I Need Love". Years later the controversial rapper, "Necro", produced his own version of the song entitled "I Need Drugs". What I think both of them really wanted to say was "I Need Hugs". Aren't rappers adorable? Two people hugging is like putting together two pieces of a puzzle. It is a perfect fit. So the next time you see a good friend, don't fight it, offer them a hug as your perfectly parallel platonic puzzle piece because it will put a little bit of syrup on your metaphorical pancake.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for hugs". Unless you have a phobia of affection and don't like people touching you in which case you must say "I think all of you people are just a bunch of sickies who like to go around dry humping each other in order to fill some void in your soul that is starved for love and attention. Also, I hate dogs."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come

Daily Thanks - Day 20 - Stories

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for stories.

The phrase "Once upon a time" may be the most nostalgic grouping of words in human history. The frenzy of emotional stimulation experienced upon its instant connection with the brain can only be surpassed by the adventure that is to follow. Some people may think that the whole notion of "story time" diminishes as an adult but you are wrong, my friend. dead wrong. It may not be the same setting, but I still enjoy a myriad of ripping good yarns. Of course, now they tend to begin with phrases such as "Oh my God, listen to this" rather than "Once upon a time", but whenever I hear an opener to a story that seems to have promise, I make sure to get comfortable, lean back, sip my drink and acknowledge the fact that I'm in for a ride through the unpredictable terrains of Story Town.

Some situations that may lead you to tell or hear a good story may include: sitting 'round a campfire, driving cross-state, witnessing a robbery, basking in a steam room, getting drunk with 8 guys, getting drunk with 8 girls, being harassed by a strange Indian man in a discount clothing store, being offered sexual favors in return for a gentlemanly act, infiltrating the KKK in order to gain information resulting in Superman using that information for a new storyline (happened), having your car break down only to be saved by a genie on more than one level, meeting Kevin Costner in a dive bar and challenging him to a shot-taking competition followed by talking to hookers about their choice in color sheme, etc.

Stories are wonderful because the ingredients for a good story are so vast. There are no rules. Even when something seemingly terrible happens to you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel where you can say "at least I will always have the story", and it's those that are usually the best. So whether you are fighting off dragons atop a firey mountain or fighting the urge to ask the 45 year old "cougar" at the bar to join you for a bubble bath, take a mental note because that is going to provide a narratively driven jungle gym on which your friends and family may play.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for stories." Unless for some reason you have no soul and do not like stories in which case you must say "Once upon a time, I swallowed a knife" and then you may proceed to swallow a knife. I love a morbid ending.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come

Daily Thanks - Day 19 - Rock of Death

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not pinned under a rock in the mountains.

This happened to a man some odd years ago and it was a story that sparked many conversations amongst my friends and me. Aron Ralston was alone and about 20 miles from any indication of human society when a boulder fell on his arm and trapped him. Jesus. I complain like a woman in labor when I get a splinter in my finger. I can't even imagine the anguish that would be endured when going through a physical and mental raping of this magnitude and I am beside myself in jubilance to not be experiencing it.

Some situations that may cause you to be pinned under a rock in the mountains may include: unsupervised mountain scaling, boulder juggling, building your own replica of Stonehenge, searching for fools gold, being a handsome archeology professor obsessed with ancient artifacts, playing an innocent game of "dodge the rocky avalanche", persistently trying to kill a road runner, etc.

There is a saying... "stuck between Scylla and Charybdis" which references the sea monsters, Scylla and Charybdis, from Greek mythology. The saying was used to imply an inescapable situation as Scylla and Charybdis were so close to each other that sailors could not pass between them without the inevitable wrath of these Sea Gangstaz. The saying somewhat evolved into what we know as "stuck between a rock and a hard place." Well, if there was ever a person who has experienced the true meaning of this saying... it is Aron Ralston who, in my eyes, won the unofficial "Man of the freakin century award" when he proceeded to saw his own arm off with a pocket knife and managed to escape the grasp of the boulder that trapped him. Well done, sir.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not pinned under a rock in the mountains." Unless right now you ARE pinned under a rock in the mountains in which case you must say "ok. just like a ripping off a band-aid. a reeeaallly looong band-aid. gonna start sawing in 1........2....................................................................... ok. passed out there for a minute..... gonna start sawing in 1.....2............. ya know what......... someone will find me."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 18 - Sidekicks

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for sidekicks.

There are always going to be a handful of sidekicks that are totally expendable. Personally, I wouldn't care if "Robin" went quail hunting with Dick Cheney if you know what I mean..... However, there will always be those sidekicks such as Chewbacca, Luigi, Dwight Schrute, Stimpy, Ed McMahon, and my personal favorite, Garth Algar, that life just wouldn't be the same without. It's the brilliance and playfulness in these characters that can turn an ordinary basket of fruit into a cornucopia. They are the ice cream in our root beer. They are the fire for our smore. They are the aged gouda along side our Riesling. Even the ones that we don't care for can at least remind us how much we love their superior and for that we should raise our glasses.

Some situations that may call for a trusty sidekick include: maintaining comedic balance, creating ego-filled tension, distracting villains as you dismantle a bomb, attempting to raise box office numbers, taking some of the heat off, getting more beers while you entertain the girls with stories of your time as a spy, holding the wheel as you remove your jacket while driving, feeding your fish while you travel to South America to find your real father but instead you "find yourself", etc.

Some people just naturally want to do things by themselves, but personally I enjoy the comfort in knowing that when I yell out "on belay?!" someone will respond with "belay on!" I enjoy the occasional quip or anecdote that keeps things casual and I wouldn't want to give that up just to feed my famished ego. I say embrace the companionship and partake in the occasional "eiffel tower". There is no "I" in "Team" but there is a "Si" in "Sidekick" which is spanish for "Yes". I'm coining that phrase right now.......

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for sidekicks." Unless you happen to be someone's sidekick in which case you must say "As much as I appreciate this sidekick propaganda you are peddling, you will rue the day you made slanderous comments about Robin. He is one of our top earners! The day will be ours soon! You will see! You ALL will seeeeeee!!!!! Now has anyone seen my much less effective weapons?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 17 - Aliens

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for aliens.

Aliens are on a prestigious list of things that make you go hmmmmm. They make for an amazing story/movie/tv show/documentary/musical/tampon commercial etc. and I must say that alien abduction is a subject tackled more often than a sluggish fullback. It's one of those things that can bring just a dollop of excitement into our seemingly mundane lives and we should be thankful for at least the concept of these foreign figments even if you're not really "a believer". I say believe what you want, but know that it's always the skeptics that get abducted....

Some situations that may cause you to have a "close encounter" may include: wandering in the woods at night, driving a pick up truck on a barren road, doing essentially anything in a small town or rural area, sleep paralysis, leaving trails of candy, being a liar, being a drunken crop duster pilot, playing the notes "B flat, C, A flat, (down an octave) A flat, E flat", etc.

A little piece of everybody believes, or at least wants to believe, that they're out there. Fight it all you want with your weather balloons and your strange metals and elements in crop fields or whatever your "perfectly logical explanations" may be. I still believe that ol' Susie May Saltycube from Bethlehem, GA saw something. Sure she only has one eye and still believes in Santa Claus but if we can't love and trust our neighbors then we are no better than the possums we kill for dinner. Aliens... enough with the crop circles and abductions already you flirtatious devils. Let's have a look at 'cha.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for aliens." Unless you actually have been abducted and it was a terrible sexually and mentally abusive experience in which case you must say "You don't know the things I've seen..... the things I've felt.... when you stare into the eyes of something so evil and frightening.... it's like a surging wave of cold needles coursing through your soul.... the horror...... the maddening and upmost trepidation.... for more please pick up my book entitled "E.T and Me" for $25.95"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 16 - Dreams

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dreams.

It's amazing what the human brain is capable of. It's also amazing that with all the technological advances we have made and with all of the knowledge we have of the human brain, psyche and mentality that we still don't understand dreams. I assure you that as you read this there is a whole army of people sitting around in lab coats going "...and then he said that he was on a boat, but it wasn't really a boat because it was in a mall.... and he was with his mother who was wearing a wedding gown covered in mayonnaise. What does it all mean!!??"

The truth is... we have no idea. I don't care what Freud said. Even HE could not decipher what the hell the human mind was doing in this lucid space within the abysmal thicket of REM sleep. Though we do not understand this psychological chasm of a world that we call dreaming, we must give thanks for it. I mean, where else can you have an orgy with the cast of Grey's Anatomy without the risk of anyone finding out? Yes. Including Dr...... Mc"Dreamy"? You see what I did there?

Some situations that you may experience during your dreams can include: flying, jumping really high, various forms of gravity defiance, breathing underwater, producing a dark but comedically transcending piece of theatre "in the round", knife fighting with a car mechanic, sailing across the pacific with your 8th grade history teacher, trying to quench your thirst with endless beverages but failing because your not "actually" drinking anything, becoming a martial arts expert, becoming a sports star, becoming a "real" writer, etc.

There are countless fantasies that we can experience through our dreams which is why I think that the word "dreams" has become synonymous with the word "goals". When someone wants to know what you would love to do with your life they may ask you "what are your dreams?" Interesting, because what you "dream" and what you "desire" can certainly be oceans apart. However, there will always be those cases in which you wake up and want nothing more than to go directly back into that dream you were having. "No! No!! Send me back! SEND ME BACK!!" At least that's what I would say. If you were Keanu Reeves then you may wake up in an instant, eyes open wide, turn to your lover and say "I know Kung Fu."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dreams." Unless you are unable to have dreams in which case you must say "The world is a cold, dark place.... but at least I have my brand new magenta SNUGGIE!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 15 - Super Famous

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not super famous.

Sure it's always nice to be appreciated for something you've done. It makes us as happy as a pedophile at Chuck E. Cheese to have a little bit of recognition every once in a while. However, I would never want to be so famous that I couldn't even ride around on my pony named "Ninja Face" screaming "the french toast is cold!!" without the risk of making instant headlines. After all, this is America and we like to have our options open.

Dave Chappelle once said about Bill Clinton "Imagine being so famous that someone could suck your dick and then THEY'RE famous." A damn fine pick up line indeed, but not worth the baggage, much too large for carry-on, that comes along with it. We should be appreciative that we can all pretty much go where we want and do what we want without the possible repercussion of public vilification.

Some things that could cause you to become super famous include: singing opera for Simon Cowell, playing a fantastic mentally challenged southern boy on a bench, being sort of famous and making a sex tape, losing 240 pounds by eating subway sandwiches, letting Bill Clinton violate you with his cigar, going on a murdering rampage ending with Gianni Versace, getting bitten by a "Super Spider" and obtaining it's powers, being a badass raspy voiced cowboy, having a sweet ass, etc.

We all know that being super famous has its perks. You get to go to awesome parties, drive awesome cars, buy awesome children, and could probably walk right in to a P.F Changs without even having to wait for a table. I think I would have some serious trust issues, though. Everyone wants to screw over and use famous people. I'd be so paranoid I would even question the sincerity of a puppies love. "Why'd you lick me??!! What do you want from me??!! Does that collar have a camera in it!!?? Who sent you!? Are you with The Times??!! The french toast is cold!!!"

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not super famous." Unless you are in fact super famous in which case you must say...... Aw who cares what you have to say. You're famous. But I was wondering if maybe you could take a look at my screenplay?

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 14 - Fire

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for..... FIRE!

The Merrian-Webster dictionary defines fire as " the phenomenon of combustion manifested in light, flame, and heat." That is not enough for me. Fire is much more than that and has such a catalog of associations that come with it. Not only is it an amazing wonder/phenomenon/element... but it also has other meanings. One thing that I found is that the word "fire", in a certain context, is synonymous with the word "passion". nice. Also, it is antonymous with the word "lethargy". That makes fire a pretty positive thing.

I also like the fact that fire is just straight up cool. Cool enough, in fact, that it is used for dramatic effect by both Satan AND God. That's right folks, no matter who you are or what you believe... fire is coveted by your savior. Cue Music.

Some common uses for fire may include: cooking burgers, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, smoking crack, smoking human hair, heating up a branding iron, warming up with a loved one, putting out blazing waters, making fireballs with 151, speaking with moses, scaring children, destroying bloody eviden..... clothes, making smores, providing vanilla rich aromatics, as an exciting and elaborate way to "FINISH HIM!" etc.

If you feel like writing super awesome song lyrics at any time, just use the word fire. You get to rhyme it with things like: desire, require, admire, mark mcgwire, liar, .......... and..... tire. Fire has so many metaphors that you don't even need to know what the hell you are talking about because people will interpret it however they want and will think you are a genius.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for fire." Unless at the moment you are.....ummm....on fire?..... In which case you must say "What? I did this on purpose. I am harnessing the true power of fire. It's my desire. I'm not dying......... jealous."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 13 - The Throat Hair

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I do not have a hair stuck in my throat.

I can't stress the amount of importance that I lay on the comfort and functionality of my mouth. If you catch me on a day where something in my mouth is amiss..... stay on your side of the jungle gym. The mouth is a highly valued sanctuary of endless capabilities such as eating whole roasted cashews or "beatboxing" for disabled children, ergo it should be cared for and appreciated for giving us these luxuries.

Some situations that may cause you to get a hair stuck in your throat include: getting your hair in your food, getting someone else's hair in your food, consciously choosing to eat hair, conversing while getting a hair cut, snuggling with a golden retriever, orally pleasuring a penis, orally pleasuring a vagina in 1974, attempting to eat someone's head, getting a cavity filled by a nude persian man, etc.

Getting a hair caught in your throat can leave you feeling helpless and violated. Its ruthless hold on your well-being can be so sovereign that it can drive a seemingly stable societal unit into a complete state of dementia. There is nothing fair about a throat hair and I can enter this day with confidence and serenity knowing that I don't have one.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I do not have a hair stuck in my throat." Unless at the moment you DO have a hair stuck in your throat in which case you must say "Haaacccgghhhh Haacghh! It's right there! Hcccgggghhhhhhh! What have I done to deserve this! She said she was 22!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 12 - Lost in Woods

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not lost in the woods.

Some may think that getting lost in the woods is somewhat of a double edged sword. Sure you may run the risk of being "Blair Witched", but at the same time you will finally get to put those "Survivorman" skills to the test! After all, you did watch the marathon on The Discovery Channel.

But I assure you that you are no Les Stroud. You are no Bear Grylls. In fact, you probably know less about surviving in the wild than Carrie Bradshaw. It would not be a super groovy time and if you managed to survive you would probably come out looking like an anorexic jaundice patient.

Some situations that may cause you to become lost in the woods include: hiking, making a documentary, hunting squirrels, disposing a body, looking for someone who is lost in the woods, plane crash, parachuting mishap, canoeing with Jon Voight, taking psychotropic drugs, etc.

I love the city. I've always lived in the city and as nice as it is to go out to a lake or a mountain house every once in a while it's only a matter of time before the beckoning serenade of the city draws me in like a leggy seductress on the prowl for a cute white boy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not lost in the woods." Unless at the moment you ARE lost in the woods in which case you must say "Don't eat the mushrooms. Don't eat the mushrooms. Don't eat the mushrooms. Don't eat the.... Eat only one mushroom. Eat only one mushroom."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 11 - Murderer

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not a murderer.

"Psycho Killer. Qu'est-ce que c'est" A famous line from the great David Byrne of Talking Heads. Some say of this song about a psycho killer that David Byrne chose to use both the English and French language in the lyrics as a vehicle to imply personal duality. I like that. You can't help but be fascinated by murderers/serial killers etc. because of terms like "personal duality." Word combinations such as "troubled and tortured soul dealing with immense levels of inner turmoil" sure do pack a more sympathetic punch than "sick fuck who stabs babies." We should all be thankful that nobody will ever call us something like that.

Some things that can drive you to become a murderer may include: abusive parents, abusive uncle, adoption(controversial!), cultish environments, schizophrenia, cold french toast, MTV, wet socks, having a strange obsession with Gianni Versace, switching to soy milk, etc.

Being a murderer has got to be extremely stressful. You know that feeling you get when you see a cop and you are speeding a little bit. Your heart drops into your stomach and your face fills with blood. What about that time in high school that you almost got caught smoking pot at your parents house. The feeling of absolute terror that rushes over your entire existence in that moment that you may get caught. Can you even comprehend possibly being caught for murder. I'll tell you.... it would take more than a slice of cheesecake to warm my heart during that soul drowning situation.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not a murderer." Unless you are in fact a murderer in which case you must say "The dog made me do it!" If you don't get that reference..... you don't have enough of a dark side. :) Be well my angels.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 10 - Life Raft

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

Sometimes we forget how much of a blessing it can be to just be able to sit in front of our computer with a cup of coffee soaking in some good ol' cathode rays. That is until we have found ourself stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden having to floss doesn't seem like much of a chore anymore. You'd just be sitting there, sharks circling, thinking to yourself "I can't believe I thought the day that I lost my job was going to be the worst day of my life. I did not think that a year later I would be considering eating my own thumb."

Some situations that could cause you to become stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean include: plane crash, boat crash, escaping from an island with your pet volleyball, searching for treasure, playing hide and seek, a highly elaborate prank gone wrong, trying to "find" yourself, trying to impress a girl, hoping for headlines, testing your new GPS, enjoying a chilly night on "the largest passenger steamship in the world" in 1912, etc.

Of course it wouldn't really be all that bad. If you managed to get stranded with some sexy company and just happened to have a bag full of scotch and donuts... you could find yourself having a pretty sweet maritime marathon of magical love making. Sign me up! Of course we all know that every time you mix scotch and donuts a leprechaun loses it's ability to feel love. But hey, if you can live with it......

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean." Unless at the time you ARE stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean in which case you must say "How crazy of a coincidence is it that Jamie decided to write about this today! wait a mother flippin second.... he's the bomber!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 9 - Tainted Eye

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today i am thankful that I don't have something in my eye.

They say that eyes are the window into the soul, and there is nothing worse than when that window becomes tainted by an unwanted intruder. I've had some smashing good times come to an abrupt and unceremonious cessation due to this unfortunate happening, but today I can say that "Hey, it may be Monday, but I've got 2 functional and undisturbed eyeballs and that's enough to keep me afloat."

Some situations that can cause you to get something in your eye include: wandering eyelashes, racing go-karts, drilling wood, looking up at a ceiling fan while something comes into contact with it, bombing hills on rollerblades, running through a meadow, letting someone "finish" on your face, catching a dirty football, diving through plate glass windows, getting tortured, etc.

Things can happen, and before you know it some seemingly innocent sticks and stones have damaged your rods and cones. But today, we should make it a point to feel appreciative for our fully operative optics.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I don't have something in my eye." Unless at the moment you DO have something in your eye in which case you must say "Whatever, I'm just gonna get an eyepatch. can you say badass? Who's laughing now? HAHAHAHA.... I'm miserable."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 8 - Hangovers

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for hangovers.

I know what you're thinking. "But Jamie, aren't hangovers a bad thing?" I say NO! A hangover is somewhat of a medal that you wear as a result of hopefully having a bitchin time. Sure they can be a bit painful at times, but I say embrace it and wear them well. The great musical artist, Beck, once said "Tell me, what's wrong with a little grind 'n' bump? when the stereos erupt with a kick drum punch?" Well, Beck, absolutely nothing! We all need to let loose like a belt every once in a while and we will always have our hangovers to remind us... Yep, still got it!

Some situations that may drive us to drink ourselves into oblivion and then awake with a howling hangover include: promotions, birthdays, holidays, finally re-tiling the bathroom, weddings, tuesdays, executions, sporting events, painting parties, having to perform an impromtu tracheotomy, trying to get girls naked in a hot tub, realizing that it's just a bunch of naked guys in the hot tub and your plan isn't working, etc.

Hangovers are Gods way of saying "I give you this incredibly complex and beautiful human body and this is how you choose to treat it? Well take this!!" But hey, your son started it with all that water into wine business! Is somebody a hypocrite?

So let's all take a moment and say (and I'm assuming that a lot of you are hungover considering last night was halloween) "Today I am thankful for hangovers" Unless you actually have something important to do today in which case you must say "Really? Tequila? How many times must I do this until I learn!!????"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 7 - Disguises

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Since it's Halloween.... today I'm thankful for disguises.

I'm not quite sure what the origin is or how far back disguises go, but as far as humans go I would imagine that even the most cro-magnon of the cro-magnon experimented with disguise. Whether it was covering itself with leaves to blend with the earth in order to slay a beast, or possibly dressing up a mate as a lion for some savage role play in the bedroom. I think that disguises in general have played a huge role in human society since the beginning and we should appreciate the opportunities disguise has given us.

Some situations that may call for a disguise include: secret missions in Russia, paintball in Alabama, tailing a suspicious wife, avoiding the paparazzi, robbing a bank, kidnapping your ex-girlfriends cat, scaring your friends, sneaking into places where bad guys are, purchasing a dildo, keeping your life as a vigilante a secret, fooling Elmer Fudd, helping Rodney Dangerfield win the girls soccer league to impress his boss, etc.

Disguises allow us to keep our identity a secret while we get what we really want. Based on what I've seen in movies sometimes something as simple as a mask can make you super human and impossible to kill. Hell yea. I encourage you all to go out tonight in a disguise of your choice. Have a little fun, but don't let it go to your head. I don't want to see a bunch of murders out there. Unless anybody is STILL dressing up as Borat or Napoleon Dynamite. You can murder them :)

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for disguises." Unless your name is Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Leatherface, Joan Rivers or something along those lines in which case you must say "I really need to stop going out and scaring children and open up an Adult Friend Finder account."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 6 - Thumbs

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for thumbs.

The thumb. Something that is shared not only in a very small number of animals but only specifically in those most fortunate of primates. It is something that we all take for granted and unless your hands resemble that of Dennis Hopper in "Speed" then I'd say we have a much worthy candidate for some thanks with a side of french fried potatoes. In fact, you could say that I would like to give my thumbs a good ol' fashioned "thumbs up."

Some situations that require the use of thumbs include: hunting, gathering, throwing a frisbee, cupping a breast, rowing a kayak, stealing a road sign, giving a thumbs up, giving a thumbs down, hanging out with Jack Kerouak, eating a sandwich, drawing a tiger, erasing a tiger, texting, playing gameboy, unhooking a bra, giving a massage, opening a condom wrapper, gauging someone's eyes out, picking up a puppy, writing a ransom note, giving the "ok" sign, sticking a finger through your ok sign to suggest sexual activity etc. All of this could be yours for one small payment of $19.99.

I think our lives would be much different without this hero of all phalanges. Whether you want to pursue a career in water polo or snap your fingers with a barbershop quartet, you will need those opposable beauties.

Take this as my psalm to this friend of the palm. a dedication to the betta metacarpal. The most legit digit. So, of course, let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for thumbs." Unless you do not have any thumbs in which case you must say "You people with thumbs think you're so great. Let's see you get out of a pair of handcuffs as fast as me!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 5 - Horse Sex

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I don't want to have sex with horses.

That's right folks. This is actually a problem that some people have to face everyday of their lives. They see that mare and they can't help but stare. Something is fused in their brain which causes them to be uncontrollably driven into a state of unbridled desire for these undressed dressage maneuvers. If you don't know the term "dressage" then look it up because that was damn fine writing right there.

Some things that could cause you to want and or need to have sex with horses may include: troubled childhood, troubled adolescence, troubled tween years, troubled teen years, troubled birth, troubled breakfast, troubled first day of school, troubled attempt at making a sandwich, troubled day at the ol' cheyenne, troubled toothbrush purchasing, troubled bubble blowing etc.

Things can happen in life which lead you to feel cheated, abandoned, slighted, unappreciated, unaccomplished and sometimes just plain old shitty. However I can wake up everyday and if nothing else be thankful that I am not one of these X-rated Equestrian or as I have just made up..... X-questrian. Too much fun. A lot of people have a hard time coming out of the closet to their friends and family about being a homosexual. Imagine having to sit your family down and tell them that you were a horse fucker. "Mom. Dad. I don't know if you knew this about me already but Seabiscuit and I are somewhat of an item."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I do not want to have sex with horses." Unless you actually DO want to have sex with horses in which case you must say "I think it's time to consider shock treatment."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 4 - High Fives

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for high fives.

There is something about this primal skin on skin propinquity that sends such feelings of joy and intimacy to the brain. I like to think every time you give or receive a really good high five that a little engine that didn't think it could........ thinks it could.

Some situations that can result in high fives include: seeing a good friend, buying a new car, providing a beer, having the same shirt, sharing a sandwich, agreeing that said sandwich is really good, getting laid, talking about getting laid, escaping the police, lending a surge protector, saving something that almost tipped over, successfully jumping out from behind a corner and scaring someone, catching a cashew in your mouth, finishing a novel about Pythagorean Theorem, disposing of a body, wearing a cowboy hat, saving a puppy etc.

Some situations that do NOT result in high fives include: drinking zima, getting caught masturbating, burping while kissing, hitting a pot hole, finding out she was a man, getting stabbed, dropping a frisbee, watching White Chicks, going outside of the lines in a coloring book, not being able to remember an actors name, sitting on a cold toilet, getting stuck in a long line with a stranger that wants to talk to you about problems they're having with their gardner, etc.

High fives are a luxury that we are all lucky enough to celebrate and if you are reading this then you are required to give at least 2 high fives today. That's right, even the ladies! If you feel like having an adventure then I suggest giving a high five to someone who really doesn't expect it. It's great fun. The next time someone holds an elevator door for you or tells you which way the bathroom is, reward them with a high five. They might just think that you are weird at first, but they will walk away feeling a little bit better whether they realize it or not.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for high fives". Unless you can't high five because you have no arms or something like that in which case you must say "I'm so glad that even with no arms I can still use the internet, now can someone please scratch right above my left eye!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 3 - Knife Attack

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not being attacked by a man with a knife.

Let's face it.. no matter what you're doing right now chances are that it is not as bad as being attacked by a man with a knife.

Some things that can provoke a knife attack include: rudeness, ignorance, deceit, abandonment, gelled hair, being named Laurie Strode, belligerence, intolerance, tight pants, baggy pants, cockiness, pretentiousness, 69'ing a married woman, etc.

I was once "attacked" by a man with a knife. We'll say that I was guilty of knife attack provocation # 7 - Belligerence. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong amount of alcoholic fluids coursing through my reluctant bloodstream when a man harassed me and I responded in a less than pacifistic manner. He then stated that he was going to go "get something" and then "come back for me". Luckily, even in my momentary bleared and hazy disposition I managed to say to myself ".......bad......." and then proceeded to hide in a bush. That's right, I hid in a bush. And guess what.... That crazy mofo came back with a knife! But he did not find ol' jamie did he? No sir. Say what you want about my choices on this particular evening but I am not ashamed because I'll tell you one thing my friends. Being stabbed is one party that I will not be RSVP'ing for.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not being attacked by a man with a knife". Unless at the moment you are being attacked by a man with a knife in which case you must say "I should probably get off the fucking internet because I am about to get stabbed!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 2 - Prison

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not in prison.

Even though sometimes even a picnic is no picnic... Prison certainly is no picnic. Even compared to that one picnic you had where Frankie hit you in the mouth with a frisbee and knocked a tooth out and you bled all over the cole slaw and scared children..... it still holds no candle to prison.

Some things that can get you into prison include: Murder, Rape, Embezzlement, Larceny, Trafficking, Identity Theft, Standing in your own house drinking coffee in the nude and accidently exposing your "business" to a 7 year old passer by, Taunting police officers with your newly learned "Crip Walk", Burglary and Lying to Jesus. Prison is hell and I assure you that you will meet nobody as cool and chill as Morgan Freeman during your time spent in grown up time out. A hot piece of ass like myself would certainly get slapped around and would be threatened with the act of unwanted penetration. No gracias mi amigo. On the other hand I would probably get some pretty badass "prison tats" in the process, but even so....... I'll stick with what I got going on in the real world for now.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not in prison". Unless you are in prison while reading this in which case you must say "Fuck you Jamie".

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 1 - Mouth Roof

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for not having any cuts on the roof of my mouth.

We all know the feeling. Common culprits of this devious attack on our treasured mouth roof include: crunchy tacos, sharp cereals, chips, fried foods, sandwiches with toasted bread and mouth rapists. For the sake of dramatic effect I will say that there is "nothing worse" than having an intimate moment with a delectable snack or meal come to a screeching halt when said food item decides to "bite back".

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for not having any cuts on the roof of my mouth"

Unless today you DO have cuts on the roof of your mouth in which case you must say "My life is a little bit worse today because I have cuts on the roof of my mouth, but tomorrow is a new day and I will approach it with grace".

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.