Daily Thanks - Day 22 - Land Dwelling

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I live on land.

I don't care what that adorable, Caribbean dialectic crab from The Little Mermaid says. I don't think it's better down where it's wetter and I don't think it's hotter under the water. In fact, I think it's worser and colder and I am happy to not live there. We should all feel blessed that we can trot the globe freely and that we could walk 500 hundred miles if we wanted. Maybe even walk 500 more...... just to BE THE MAN WHO.... ok.

If that little chapter of evolution is correct, and at some point a crazy monkey-fish did walk out of the ocean on his lunch break to give it the old college try above sea level..... then thank you, evolution! Now we live in a world of endless land dwelling possibilities and that ain't nothin' to sneeze at.

Some ways to utilize the blessing of being a land dwelling homosapien include: playing kickball, eating cotton candy, throwing a ninja star, watching women's volleyball, drawing an arbol tree in the spring with semi-soft charcoal, using a stun gun, building a fort, seeing who can balance on a log the longest, base jumping from a clock tower, listening to the smooth sounds of Morgan Freeman's voice, etc.

Don't get me wrong, the ocean is a beautiful and wondrous place and I'm glad that it's there. I just don't want to live in it. Even that halfway point which was illustrated in "Water World" with Kevin Costner where people are living above water on boats but there doesn't seem to be land anywhere.... Sure you'd get your daily dose of sunshine and all the tuna you could eat.... but no thanks. In fact, if someone told me that I could either strip down naked and dive into a wild pack of hungry wolves, or live on a boat surrounded by infinite water with Kevin Coster, I'd rather take my...... "Chances with Wolves".

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I live on land." Unless you actually live under water in which case you must say "I'm surrounded by nymphomanic mermaids all day so I don't know what you're complaining about, but good lord are my hands pruned like a bitch!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 21 - Hugs

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for hugs.

Someone once told me that the combination of chocolate and peanut butter caused the same chemical reaction in the brain as a hug. If that's true then everyone should keep a peanut butter cup on hand because nothing gives any old John or Jane the warm and fuzzies like this rhapsodical embrace that we call a hug. For this reason, we should bow our heads, close our eyes, remove our pants and give thanks.

Hugs are a deal sealer. A finalizer. A way of saying "I love you, man" or "thanks for the queso dip" or "I was going to sleep with you, but you bite too hard so maybe we should just be friends." The possibilities are endless and it's something that is too beautiful to adequately scribe.

Some situations that may result with hugs include: scoring a winning touchdown, giving someone a mix cd, anything involving alcoholic consumption, engagements & marriages, a solid team effort in building a canoe, being the best "dance crew", surviving an intense turbulence scare, saving a litter of kittens from the rain, saying something along the lines of "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart." etc.

Some situations that may NOT result with hugs include: missing a lay-up, shopping at hot topic, dropping a baby, adding too much garlic, sleeping with your wife's brother, typing in "ALL CAPS", forgetting to take the pill, getting caught cheating at Scategories, being asked questions about the drink you ordered and not knowing the answers. "Yea i'll have that.. uhh..... neat.......up..... and dry...... no wait. wet........ with a....... twist? on the rocks and dirty.......... You know what I'll just have a Coors." etc.

LL Cool J made a name for himself as a rapper with a song entitled "I Need Love". Years later the controversial rapper, "Necro", produced his own version of the song entitled "I Need Drugs". What I think both of them really wanted to say was "I Need Hugs". Aren't rappers adorable? Two people hugging is like putting together two pieces of a puzzle. It is a perfect fit. So the next time you see a good friend, don't fight it, offer them a hug as your perfectly parallel platonic puzzle piece because it will put a little bit of syrup on your metaphorical pancake.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for hugs". Unless you have a phobia of affection and don't like people touching you in which case you must say "I think all of you people are just a bunch of sickies who like to go around dry humping each other in order to fill some void in your soul that is starved for love and attention. Also, I hate dogs."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come

Daily Thanks - Day 20 - Stories

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for stories.

The phrase "Once upon a time" may be the most nostalgic grouping of words in human history. The frenzy of emotional stimulation experienced upon its instant connection with the brain can only be surpassed by the adventure that is to follow. Some people may think that the whole notion of "story time" diminishes as an adult but you are wrong, my friend. dead wrong. It may not be the same setting, but I still enjoy a myriad of ripping good yarns. Of course, now they tend to begin with phrases such as "Oh my God, listen to this" rather than "Once upon a time", but whenever I hear an opener to a story that seems to have promise, I make sure to get comfortable, lean back, sip my drink and acknowledge the fact that I'm in for a ride through the unpredictable terrains of Story Town.

Some situations that may lead you to tell or hear a good story may include: sitting 'round a campfire, driving cross-state, witnessing a robbery, basking in a steam room, getting drunk with 8 guys, getting drunk with 8 girls, being harassed by a strange Indian man in a discount clothing store, being offered sexual favors in return for a gentlemanly act, infiltrating the KKK in order to gain information resulting in Superman using that information for a new storyline (happened), having your car break down only to be saved by a genie on more than one level, meeting Kevin Costner in a dive bar and challenging him to a shot-taking competition followed by talking to hookers about their choice in color sheme, etc.

Stories are wonderful because the ingredients for a good story are so vast. There are no rules. Even when something seemingly terrible happens to you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel where you can say "at least I will always have the story", and it's those that are usually the best. So whether you are fighting off dragons atop a firey mountain or fighting the urge to ask the 45 year old "cougar" at the bar to join you for a bubble bath, take a mental note because that is going to provide a narratively driven jungle gym on which your friends and family may play.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for stories." Unless for some reason you have no soul and do not like stories in which case you must say "Once upon a time, I swallowed a knife" and then you may proceed to swallow a knife. I love a morbid ending.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come

Daily Thanks - Day 19 - Rock of Death

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not pinned under a rock in the mountains.

This happened to a man some odd years ago and it was a story that sparked many conversations amongst my friends and me. Aron Ralston was alone and about 20 miles from any indication of human society when a boulder fell on his arm and trapped him. Jesus. I complain like a woman in labor when I get a splinter in my finger. I can't even imagine the anguish that would be endured when going through a physical and mental raping of this magnitude and I am beside myself in jubilance to not be experiencing it.

Some situations that may cause you to be pinned under a rock in the mountains may include: unsupervised mountain scaling, boulder juggling, building your own replica of Stonehenge, searching for fools gold, being a handsome archeology professor obsessed with ancient artifacts, playing an innocent game of "dodge the rocky avalanche", persistently trying to kill a road runner, etc.

There is a saying... "stuck between Scylla and Charybdis" which references the sea monsters, Scylla and Charybdis, from Greek mythology. The saying was used to imply an inescapable situation as Scylla and Charybdis were so close to each other that sailors could not pass between them without the inevitable wrath of these Sea Gangstaz. The saying somewhat evolved into what we know as "stuck between a rock and a hard place." Well, if there was ever a person who has experienced the true meaning of this saying... it is Aron Ralston who, in my eyes, won the unofficial "Man of the freakin century award" when he proceeded to saw his own arm off with a pocket knife and managed to escape the grasp of the boulder that trapped him. Well done, sir.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not pinned under a rock in the mountains." Unless right now you ARE pinned under a rock in the mountains in which case you must say "ok. just like a ripping off a band-aid. a reeeaallly looong band-aid. gonna start sawing in 1........2....................................................................... ok. passed out there for a minute..... gonna start sawing in 1.....2............. ya know what......... someone will find me."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 18 - Sidekicks

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for sidekicks.

There are always going to be a handful of sidekicks that are totally expendable. Personally, I wouldn't care if "Robin" went quail hunting with Dick Cheney if you know what I mean..... However, there will always be those sidekicks such as Chewbacca, Luigi, Dwight Schrute, Stimpy, Ed McMahon, and my personal favorite, Garth Algar, that life just wouldn't be the same without. It's the brilliance and playfulness in these characters that can turn an ordinary basket of fruit into a cornucopia. They are the ice cream in our root beer. They are the fire for our smore. They are the aged gouda along side our Riesling. Even the ones that we don't care for can at least remind us how much we love their superior and for that we should raise our glasses.

Some situations that may call for a trusty sidekick include: maintaining comedic balance, creating ego-filled tension, distracting villains as you dismantle a bomb, attempting to raise box office numbers, taking some of the heat off, getting more beers while you entertain the girls with stories of your time as a spy, holding the wheel as you remove your jacket while driving, feeding your fish while you travel to South America to find your real father but instead you "find yourself", etc.

Some people just naturally want to do things by themselves, but personally I enjoy the comfort in knowing that when I yell out "on belay?!" someone will respond with "belay on!" I enjoy the occasional quip or anecdote that keeps things casual and I wouldn't want to give that up just to feed my famished ego. I say embrace the companionship and partake in the occasional "eiffel tower". There is no "I" in "Team" but there is a "Si" in "Sidekick" which is spanish for "Yes". I'm coining that phrase right now.......

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for sidekicks." Unless you happen to be someone's sidekick in which case you must say "As much as I appreciate this sidekick propaganda you are peddling, you will rue the day you made slanderous comments about Robin. He is one of our top earners! The day will be ours soon! You will see! You ALL will seeeeeee!!!!! Now has anyone seen my much less effective weapons?"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 17 - Aliens

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for aliens.

Aliens are on a prestigious list of things that make you go hmmmmm. They make for an amazing story/movie/tv show/documentary/musical/tampon commercial etc. and I must say that alien abduction is a subject tackled more often than a sluggish fullback. It's one of those things that can bring just a dollop of excitement into our seemingly mundane lives and we should be thankful for at least the concept of these foreign figments even if you're not really "a believer". I say believe what you want, but know that it's always the skeptics that get abducted....

Some situations that may cause you to have a "close encounter" may include: wandering in the woods at night, driving a pick up truck on a barren road, doing essentially anything in a small town or rural area, sleep paralysis, leaving trails of candy, being a liar, being a drunken crop duster pilot, playing the notes "B flat, C, A flat, (down an octave) A flat, E flat", etc.

A little piece of everybody believes, or at least wants to believe, that they're out there. Fight it all you want with your weather balloons and your strange metals and elements in crop fields or whatever your "perfectly logical explanations" may be. I still believe that ol' Susie May Saltycube from Bethlehem, GA saw something. Sure she only has one eye and still believes in Santa Claus but if we can't love and trust our neighbors then we are no better than the possums we kill for dinner. Aliens... enough with the crop circles and abductions already you flirtatious devils. Let's have a look at 'cha.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for aliens." Unless you actually have been abducted and it was a terrible sexually and mentally abusive experience in which case you must say "You don't know the things I've seen..... the things I've felt.... when you stare into the eyes of something so evil and frightening.... it's like a surging wave of cold needles coursing through your soul.... the horror...... the maddening and upmost trepidation.... for more please pick up my book entitled "E.T and Me" for $25.95"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 16 - Dreams

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for dreams.

It's amazing what the human brain is capable of. It's also amazing that with all the technological advances we have made and with all of the knowledge we have of the human brain, psyche and mentality that we still don't understand dreams. I assure you that as you read this there is a whole army of people sitting around in lab coats going "...and then he said that he was on a boat, but it wasn't really a boat because it was in a mall.... and he was with his mother who was wearing a wedding gown covered in mayonnaise. What does it all mean!!??"

The truth is... we have no idea. I don't care what Freud said. Even HE could not decipher what the hell the human mind was doing in this lucid space within the abysmal thicket of REM sleep. Though we do not understand this psychological chasm of a world that we call dreaming, we must give thanks for it. I mean, where else can you have an orgy with the cast of Grey's Anatomy without the risk of anyone finding out? Yes. Including Dr...... Mc"Dreamy"? You see what I did there?

Some situations that you may experience during your dreams can include: flying, jumping really high, various forms of gravity defiance, breathing underwater, producing a dark but comedically transcending piece of theatre "in the round", knife fighting with a car mechanic, sailing across the pacific with your 8th grade history teacher, trying to quench your thirst with endless beverages but failing because your not "actually" drinking anything, becoming a martial arts expert, becoming a sports star, becoming a "real" writer, etc.

There are countless fantasies that we can experience through our dreams which is why I think that the word "dreams" has become synonymous with the word "goals". When someone wants to know what you would love to do with your life they may ask you "what are your dreams?" Interesting, because what you "dream" and what you "desire" can certainly be oceans apart. However, there will always be those cases in which you wake up and want nothing more than to go directly back into that dream you were having. "No! No!! Send me back! SEND ME BACK!!" At least that's what I would say. If you were Keanu Reeves then you may wake up in an instant, eyes open wide, turn to your lover and say "I know Kung Fu."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for dreams." Unless you are unable to have dreams in which case you must say "The world is a cold, dark place.... but at least I have my brand new magenta SNUGGIE!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 15 - Super Famous

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not super famous.

Sure it's always nice to be appreciated for something you've done. It makes us as happy as a pedophile at Chuck E. Cheese to have a little bit of recognition every once in a while. However, I would never want to be so famous that I couldn't even ride around on my pony named "Ninja Face" screaming "the french toast is cold!!" without the risk of making instant headlines. After all, this is America and we like to have our options open.

Dave Chappelle once said about Bill Clinton "Imagine being so famous that someone could suck your dick and then THEY'RE famous." A damn fine pick up line indeed, but not worth the baggage, much too large for carry-on, that comes along with it. We should be appreciative that we can all pretty much go where we want and do what we want without the possible repercussion of public vilification.

Some things that could cause you to become super famous include: singing opera for Simon Cowell, playing a fantastic mentally challenged southern boy on a bench, being sort of famous and making a sex tape, losing 240 pounds by eating subway sandwiches, letting Bill Clinton violate you with his cigar, going on a murdering rampage ending with Gianni Versace, getting bitten by a "Super Spider" and obtaining it's powers, being a badass raspy voiced cowboy, having a sweet ass, etc.

We all know that being super famous has its perks. You get to go to awesome parties, drive awesome cars, buy awesome children, and could probably walk right in to a P.F Changs without even having to wait for a table. I think I would have some serious trust issues, though. Everyone wants to screw over and use famous people. I'd be so paranoid I would even question the sincerity of a puppies love. "Why'd you lick me??!! What do you want from me??!! Does that collar have a camera in it!!?? Who sent you!? Are you with The Times??!! The french toast is cold!!!"

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not super famous." Unless you are in fact super famous in which case you must say...... Aw who cares what you have to say. You're famous. But I was wondering if maybe you could take a look at my screenplay?

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 14 - Fire

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for..... FIRE!

The Merrian-Webster dictionary defines fire as " the phenomenon of combustion manifested in light, flame, and heat." That is not enough for me. Fire is much more than that and has such a catalog of associations that come with it. Not only is it an amazing wonder/phenomenon/element... but it also has other meanings. One thing that I found is that the word "fire", in a certain context, is synonymous with the word "passion". nice. Also, it is antonymous with the word "lethargy". That makes fire a pretty positive thing.

I also like the fact that fire is just straight up cool. Cool enough, in fact, that it is used for dramatic effect by both Satan AND God. That's right folks, no matter who you are or what you believe... fire is coveted by your savior. Cue Music.

Some common uses for fire may include: cooking burgers, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, smoking crack, smoking human hair, heating up a branding iron, warming up with a loved one, putting out blazing waters, making fireballs with 151, speaking with moses, scaring children, destroying bloody eviden..... clothes, making smores, providing vanilla rich aromatics, as an exciting and elaborate way to "FINISH HIM!" etc.

If you feel like writing super awesome song lyrics at any time, just use the word fire. You get to rhyme it with things like: desire, require, admire, mark mcgwire, liar, .......... and..... tire. Fire has so many metaphors that you don't even need to know what the hell you are talking about because people will interpret it however they want and will think you are a genius.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for fire." Unless at the moment you are.....ummm....on fire?..... In which case you must say "What? I did this on purpose. I am harnessing the true power of fire. It's my desire. I'm not dying......... jealous."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 13 - The Throat Hair

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I do not have a hair stuck in my throat.

I can't stress the amount of importance that I lay on the comfort and functionality of my mouth. If you catch me on a day where something in my mouth is amiss..... stay on your side of the jungle gym. The mouth is a highly valued sanctuary of endless capabilities such as eating whole roasted cashews or "beatboxing" for disabled children, ergo it should be cared for and appreciated for giving us these luxuries.

Some situations that may cause you to get a hair stuck in your throat include: getting your hair in your food, getting someone else's hair in your food, consciously choosing to eat hair, conversing while getting a hair cut, snuggling with a golden retriever, orally pleasuring a penis, orally pleasuring a vagina in 1974, attempting to eat someone's head, getting a cavity filled by a nude persian man, etc.

Getting a hair caught in your throat can leave you feeling helpless and violated. Its ruthless hold on your well-being can be so sovereign that it can drive a seemingly stable societal unit into a complete state of dementia. There is nothing fair about a throat hair and I can enter this day with confidence and serenity knowing that I don't have one.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I do not have a hair stuck in my throat." Unless at the moment you DO have a hair stuck in your throat in which case you must say "Haaacccgghhhh Haacghh! It's right there! Hcccgggghhhhhhh! What have I done to deserve this! She said she was 22!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 12 - Lost in Woods

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not lost in the woods.

Some may think that getting lost in the woods is somewhat of a double edged sword. Sure you may run the risk of being "Blair Witched", but at the same time you will finally get to put those "Survivorman" skills to the test! After all, you did watch the marathon on The Discovery Channel.

But I assure you that you are no Les Stroud. You are no Bear Grylls. In fact, you probably know less about surviving in the wild than Carrie Bradshaw. It would not be a super groovy time and if you managed to survive you would probably come out looking like an anorexic jaundice patient.

Some situations that may cause you to become lost in the woods include: hiking, making a documentary, hunting squirrels, disposing a body, looking for someone who is lost in the woods, plane crash, parachuting mishap, canoeing with Jon Voight, taking psychotropic drugs, etc.

I love the city. I've always lived in the city and as nice as it is to go out to a lake or a mountain house every once in a while it's only a matter of time before the beckoning serenade of the city draws me in like a leggy seductress on the prowl for a cute white boy.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not lost in the woods." Unless at the moment you ARE lost in the woods in which case you must say "Don't eat the mushrooms. Don't eat the mushrooms. Don't eat the mushrooms. Don't eat the.... Eat only one mushroom. Eat only one mushroom."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 11 - Murderer

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not a murderer.

"Psycho Killer. Qu'est-ce que c'est" A famous line from the great David Byrne of Talking Heads. Some say of this song about a psycho killer that David Byrne chose to use both the English and French language in the lyrics as a vehicle to imply personal duality. I like that. You can't help but be fascinated by murderers/serial killers etc. because of terms like "personal duality." Word combinations such as "troubled and tortured soul dealing with immense levels of inner turmoil" sure do pack a more sympathetic punch than "sick fuck who stabs babies." We should all be thankful that nobody will ever call us something like that.

Some things that can drive you to become a murderer may include: abusive parents, abusive uncle, adoption(controversial!), cultish environments, schizophrenia, cold french toast, MTV, wet socks, having a strange obsession with Gianni Versace, switching to soy milk, etc.

Being a murderer has got to be extremely stressful. You know that feeling you get when you see a cop and you are speeding a little bit. Your heart drops into your stomach and your face fills with blood. What about that time in high school that you almost got caught smoking pot at your parents house. The feeling of absolute terror that rushes over your entire existence in that moment that you may get caught. Can you even comprehend possibly being caught for murder. I'll tell you.... it would take more than a slice of cheesecake to warm my heart during that soul drowning situation.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not a murderer." Unless you are in fact a murderer in which case you must say "The dog made me do it!" If you don't get that reference..... you don't have enough of a dark side. :) Be well my angels.

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 10 - Life Raft

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

Sometimes we forget how much of a blessing it can be to just be able to sit in front of our computer with a cup of coffee soaking in some good ol' cathode rays. That is until we have found ourself stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden having to floss doesn't seem like much of a chore anymore. You'd just be sitting there, sharks circling, thinking to yourself "I can't believe I thought the day that I lost my job was going to be the worst day of my life. I did not think that a year later I would be considering eating my own thumb."

Some situations that could cause you to become stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean include: plane crash, boat crash, escaping from an island with your pet volleyball, searching for treasure, playing hide and seek, a highly elaborate prank gone wrong, trying to "find" yourself, trying to impress a girl, hoping for headlines, testing your new GPS, enjoying a chilly night on "the largest passenger steamship in the world" in 1912, etc.

Of course it wouldn't really be all that bad. If you managed to get stranded with some sexy company and just happened to have a bag full of scotch and donuts... you could find yourself having a pretty sweet maritime marathon of magical love making. Sign me up! Of course we all know that every time you mix scotch and donuts a leprechaun loses it's ability to feel love. But hey, if you can live with it......

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean." Unless at the time you ARE stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean in which case you must say "How crazy of a coincidence is it that Jamie decided to write about this today! wait a mother flippin second.... he's the bomber!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 9 - Tainted Eye

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today i am thankful that I don't have something in my eye.

They say that eyes are the window into the soul, and there is nothing worse than when that window becomes tainted by an unwanted intruder. I've had some smashing good times come to an abrupt and unceremonious cessation due to this unfortunate happening, but today I can say that "Hey, it may be Monday, but I've got 2 functional and undisturbed eyeballs and that's enough to keep me afloat."

Some situations that can cause you to get something in your eye include: wandering eyelashes, racing go-karts, drilling wood, looking up at a ceiling fan while something comes into contact with it, bombing hills on rollerblades, running through a meadow, letting someone "finish" on your face, catching a dirty football, diving through plate glass windows, getting tortured, etc.

Things can happen, and before you know it some seemingly innocent sticks and stones have damaged your rods and cones. But today, we should make it a point to feel appreciative for our fully operative optics.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I don't have something in my eye." Unless at the moment you DO have something in your eye in which case you must say "Whatever, I'm just gonna get an eyepatch. can you say badass? Who's laughing now? HAHAHAHA.... I'm miserable."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 8 - Hangovers

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for hangovers.

I know what you're thinking. "But Jamie, aren't hangovers a bad thing?" I say NO! A hangover is somewhat of a medal that you wear as a result of hopefully having a bitchin time. Sure they can be a bit painful at times, but I say embrace it and wear them well. The great musical artist, Beck, once said "Tell me, what's wrong with a little grind 'n' bump? when the stereos erupt with a kick drum punch?" Well, Beck, absolutely nothing! We all need to let loose like a belt every once in a while and we will always have our hangovers to remind us... Yep, still got it!

Some situations that may drive us to drink ourselves into oblivion and then awake with a howling hangover include: promotions, birthdays, holidays, finally re-tiling the bathroom, weddings, tuesdays, executions, sporting events, painting parties, having to perform an impromtu tracheotomy, trying to get girls naked in a hot tub, realizing that it's just a bunch of naked guys in the hot tub and your plan isn't working, etc.

Hangovers are Gods way of saying "I give you this incredibly complex and beautiful human body and this is how you choose to treat it? Well take this!!" But hey, your son started it with all that water into wine business! Is somebody a hypocrite?

So let's all take a moment and say (and I'm assuming that a lot of you are hungover considering last night was halloween) "Today I am thankful for hangovers" Unless you actually have something important to do today in which case you must say "Really? Tequila? How many times must I do this until I learn!!????"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 7 - Disguises

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Since it's Halloween.... today I'm thankful for disguises.

I'm not quite sure what the origin is or how far back disguises go, but as far as humans go I would imagine that even the most cro-magnon of the cro-magnon experimented with disguise. Whether it was covering itself with leaves to blend with the earth in order to slay a beast, or possibly dressing up a mate as a lion for some savage role play in the bedroom. I think that disguises in general have played a huge role in human society since the beginning and we should appreciate the opportunities disguise has given us.

Some situations that may call for a disguise include: secret missions in Russia, paintball in Alabama, tailing a suspicious wife, avoiding the paparazzi, robbing a bank, kidnapping your ex-girlfriends cat, scaring your friends, sneaking into places where bad guys are, purchasing a dildo, keeping your life as a vigilante a secret, fooling Elmer Fudd, helping Rodney Dangerfield win the girls soccer league to impress his boss, etc.

Disguises allow us to keep our identity a secret while we get what we really want. Based on what I've seen in movies sometimes something as simple as a mask can make you super human and impossible to kill. Hell yea. I encourage you all to go out tonight in a disguise of your choice. Have a little fun, but don't let it go to your head. I don't want to see a bunch of murders out there. Unless anybody is STILL dressing up as Borat or Napoleon Dynamite. You can murder them :)

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for disguises." Unless your name is Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Leatherface, Joan Rivers or something along those lines in which case you must say "I really need to stop going out and scaring children and open up an Adult Friend Finder account."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 6 - Thumbs

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for thumbs.

The thumb. Something that is shared not only in a very small number of animals but only specifically in those most fortunate of primates. It is something that we all take for granted and unless your hands resemble that of Dennis Hopper in "Speed" then I'd say we have a much worthy candidate for some thanks with a side of french fried potatoes. In fact, you could say that I would like to give my thumbs a good ol' fashioned "thumbs up."

Some situations that require the use of thumbs include: hunting, gathering, throwing a frisbee, cupping a breast, rowing a kayak, stealing a road sign, giving a thumbs up, giving a thumbs down, hanging out with Jack Kerouak, eating a sandwich, drawing a tiger, erasing a tiger, texting, playing gameboy, unhooking a bra, giving a massage, opening a condom wrapper, gauging someone's eyes out, picking up a puppy, writing a ransom note, giving the "ok" sign, sticking a finger through your ok sign to suggest sexual activity etc. All of this could be yours for one small payment of $19.99.

I think our lives would be much different without this hero of all phalanges. Whether you want to pursue a career in water polo or snap your fingers with a barbershop quartet, you will need those opposable beauties.

Take this as my psalm to this friend of the palm. a dedication to the betta metacarpal. The most legit digit. So, of course, let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for thumbs." Unless you do not have any thumbs in which case you must say "You people with thumbs think you're so great. Let's see you get out of a pair of handcuffs as fast as me!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 5 - Horse Sex

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I don't want to have sex with horses.

That's right folks. This is actually a problem that some people have to face everyday of their lives. They see that mare and they can't help but stare. Something is fused in their brain which causes them to be uncontrollably driven into a state of unbridled desire for these undressed dressage maneuvers. If you don't know the term "dressage" then look it up because that was damn fine writing right there.

Some things that could cause you to want and or need to have sex with horses may include: troubled childhood, troubled adolescence, troubled tween years, troubled teen years, troubled birth, troubled breakfast, troubled first day of school, troubled attempt at making a sandwich, troubled day at the ol' cheyenne, troubled toothbrush purchasing, troubled bubble blowing etc.

Things can happen in life which lead you to feel cheated, abandoned, slighted, unappreciated, unaccomplished and sometimes just plain old shitty. However I can wake up everyday and if nothing else be thankful that I am not one of these X-rated Equestrian or as I have just made up..... X-questrian. Too much fun. A lot of people have a hard time coming out of the closet to their friends and family about being a homosexual. Imagine having to sit your family down and tell them that you were a horse fucker. "Mom. Dad. I don't know if you knew this about me already but Seabiscuit and I are somewhat of an item."

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I do not want to have sex with horses." Unless you actually DO want to have sex with horses in which case you must say "I think it's time to consider shock treatment."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 4 - High Fives

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for high fives.

There is something about this primal skin on skin propinquity that sends such feelings of joy and intimacy to the brain. I like to think every time you give or receive a really good high five that a little engine that didn't think it could........ thinks it could.

Some situations that can result in high fives include: seeing a good friend, buying a new car, providing a beer, having the same shirt, sharing a sandwich, agreeing that said sandwich is really good, getting laid, talking about getting laid, escaping the police, lending a surge protector, saving something that almost tipped over, successfully jumping out from behind a corner and scaring someone, catching a cashew in your mouth, finishing a novel about Pythagorean Theorem, disposing of a body, wearing a cowboy hat, saving a puppy etc.

Some situations that do NOT result in high fives include: drinking zima, getting caught masturbating, burping while kissing, hitting a pot hole, finding out she was a man, getting stabbed, dropping a frisbee, watching White Chicks, going outside of the lines in a coloring book, not being able to remember an actors name, sitting on a cold toilet, getting stuck in a long line with a stranger that wants to talk to you about problems they're having with their gardner, etc.

High fives are a luxury that we are all lucky enough to celebrate and if you are reading this then you are required to give at least 2 high fives today. That's right, even the ladies! If you feel like having an adventure then I suggest giving a high five to someone who really doesn't expect it. It's great fun. The next time someone holds an elevator door for you or tells you which way the bathroom is, reward them with a high five. They might just think that you are weird at first, but they will walk away feeling a little bit better whether they realize it or not.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for high fives". Unless you can't high five because you have no arms or something like that in which case you must say "I'm so glad that even with no arms I can still use the internet, now can someone please scratch right above my left eye!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 3 - Knife Attack

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not being attacked by a man with a knife.

Let's face it.. no matter what you're doing right now chances are that it is not as bad as being attacked by a man with a knife.

Some things that can provoke a knife attack include: rudeness, ignorance, deceit, abandonment, gelled hair, being named Laurie Strode, belligerence, intolerance, tight pants, baggy pants, cockiness, pretentiousness, 69'ing a married woman, etc.

I was once "attacked" by a man with a knife. We'll say that I was guilty of knife attack provocation # 7 - Belligerence. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong amount of alcoholic fluids coursing through my reluctant bloodstream when a man harassed me and I responded in a less than pacifistic manner. He then stated that he was going to go "get something" and then "come back for me". Luckily, even in my momentary bleared and hazy disposition I managed to say to myself ".......bad......." and then proceeded to hide in a bush. That's right, I hid in a bush. And guess what.... That crazy mofo came back with a knife! But he did not find ol' jamie did he? No sir. Say what you want about my choices on this particular evening but I am not ashamed because I'll tell you one thing my friends. Being stabbed is one party that I will not be RSVP'ing for.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not being attacked by a man with a knife". Unless at the moment you are being attacked by a man with a knife in which case you must say "I should probably get off the fucking internet because I am about to get stabbed!"

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 2 - Prison

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not in prison.

Even though sometimes even a picnic is no picnic... Prison certainly is no picnic. Even compared to that one picnic you had where Frankie hit you in the mouth with a frisbee and knocked a tooth out and you bled all over the cole slaw and scared children..... it still holds no candle to prison.

Some things that can get you into prison include: Murder, Rape, Embezzlement, Larceny, Trafficking, Identity Theft, Standing in your own house drinking coffee in the nude and accidently exposing your "business" to a 7 year old passer by, Taunting police officers with your newly learned "Crip Walk", Burglary and Lying to Jesus. Prison is hell and I assure you that you will meet nobody as cool and chill as Morgan Freeman during your time spent in grown up time out. A hot piece of ass like myself would certainly get slapped around and would be threatened with the act of unwanted penetration. No gracias mi amigo. On the other hand I would probably get some pretty badass "prison tats" in the process, but even so....... I'll stick with what I got going on in the real world for now.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not in prison". Unless you are in prison while reading this in which case you must say "Fuck you Jamie".

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

Daily Thanks - Day 1 - Mouth Roof

Everyday we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful for not having any cuts on the roof of my mouth.

We all know the feeling. Common culprits of this devious attack on our treasured mouth roof include: crunchy tacos, sharp cereals, chips, fried foods, sandwiches with toasted bread and mouth rapists. For the sake of dramatic effect I will say that there is "nothing worse" than having an intimate moment with a delectable snack or meal come to a screeching halt when said food item decides to "bite back".

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful for not having any cuts on the roof of my mouth"

Unless today you DO have cuts on the roof of your mouth in which case you must say "My life is a little bit worse today because I have cuts on the roof of my mouth, but tomorrow is a new day and I will approach it with grace".

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.