Saturday, January 23, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 34 - Torture

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured.

"God this meeting is torture." "This blind date is torture." "Every day at this job is absolute fucking torture!" Bullshit! I don't think anything less than torture itself can be compared to torture. We all have our problems, and yes there are times where I have said "I would rather take a steel mallet to the mouth than have to deal with this any longer", and I most likely meant it, but a quick devastating blow certainly does not, literally, "pack the same punch" as being tortured. Therefore, I'm gonna go ahead and sing a snippet of zippity-do-da in celebration of currently being an unrestrained free human with no jumper cables hooked up to my testicles. Beautiful.

Some situations that may cause you to be tortured include: being a prisoner of war, being a prisoner of Gwar, being an evil child's pet hamster, sharing a Hostel room with slutty Eastern-European women, being "stuck in the middle with" Mr. Blonde, taking a wrong turn when going camping, being savagely siphoned for information regarding Calvin Klein's upcoming spring collection, etc.

Sure our lives can be grueling. Long days and sleepless nights.... but I urge you to take solace in the fact that, at the end of the day, the only person taking tools of torture to us is our kinky friend, Ivanka, who makes you squeal for an absolute steal. Especially on 2 for 1 Wednesdays.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that I am not being tortured." Unless you are a masochist and derive great sexual pleasure from ruthless torture in which case you must say "No please don't stop writing! Just reading this has got my nipples buzzing like a bumble bee on a sunflower."

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

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