Saturday, January 23, 2010

Daily Thanks - Day 35 - Lost Wallet

Every day we have something to be thankful for. Today I am thankful that my wallet is not lost.

Nothing brings on that overwhelming feeling of sudden hysteria quite like the moment in which you realize you may have lost your wallet. It is like someone has briskly removed your aorta and hidden it from you as you scramble around feeling your body slip into lifelessness. Your drivers license, your credit cards, your cash, your "one hole punch away from a free sandwich" deli card, your treasured locks of hair from the girl you have been stalking.... All gone!! It is a helpless and soul strangling experience and I feel that, today, food will taste better and air will feel fresher knowing that my wallet is perfectly safe and sound as a pound.

Some situations that can cause you to lose your wallet may include: being a tourist in Europe, being a sufferer of narcolepsy, getting into a spontaneous wrestling match in the woods at night, jumping on trampolines, having one night stands, keg stands, hand stands, sitting in the stands, having a dance off, essentially anything involving excessive alcohol consumption, etc.

Our wallets are something that we tend to take for granted until they are gone, and if you happen to find that missing wallet you will become bestrewn with a feeling somewhat comparable to orgasmic release. You suddenly feel the need for a cigarette, a glass of water, and a nap. It is a feeling that is so great that it's almost worth the losing of the wallet just to experience the moment that you find it. However, I say we just give our thanks, appreciate what we have, and promise that we'll never let go. I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack.

So let's all take a moment and say "Today I am thankful that my wallet is not lost". Unless you have in fact lost your wallet in which case you must say "The first number I pull off of a girl in months and I put it in my wallet and then lose it.... Why would she even write it down on paper in the first place when clearly we both have cellphones? Who does that anymore? What is it the 1800's? It doesn't make sense! Why don't we just wear top hats and monocles and listen to a fucking gramophone while we're at it!" Actually, that sounds like a lot of fun. Where does one get a gramophone these days?

Thanks for listening. Check back for more things to be thankful for in days to come.

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